Tag Archives: FET

An Unlikely Outcome to an Unlikely FET

22 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in FET #2 (after IVF #6)

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Yesterday was beta day. I didn’t even bother taking the day off of work because I was prepared for the outcome. I basically expected this to fail, again. After all, it was an unlikely FET. The fall seems a little less painful when you set your expectations so low. In fact, in the days leading up to beta day I really wasn’t even anxious. My husband was a nervous wreck, but he had high hopes. I’d just smile kindly at him and think to myself, “you poor, sweet fool.”

So I decided to go first thing in the morning for the blood draw, then do my PIO shot, and only after I got all of that out of the way, then I planned on taking a home pregnancy test (hpt). Women who take hpt’s and get negatives, but still have to go through all the motions until the confirmation beta must be made of steel.  I just can’t imagine going for a blood draw and taking meds if I already knew it was a bust. Still, by doing the hpt after all that, I at least save myself the dreaded all day wait for the nurse to call to deliver the results. Plus, as I learned from my last cycle, this method allows me to get the news on my own terms rather than from an awkward nurse who isn’t quite sure how to break it to me. I’ve had enough of those awkward nurse calls, thank you very much.  

It was a long 3 minutes waiting for that hpt. Seriously, how can 3 minutes take that long?! After waiting in another room for the seconds to crawl by like a dying snail in the sun, I went in to see the test. I couldn’t believe my eyes. For the first time ever, there were 2 lines. And they were nice dark lines. OMG!

My hands were shaking so bad as I picked up the test and tried to use my phone to tell my husband. I sent pictures of the miracle test to the people who are close to us that have been supporting us all along. These are the few people I would tell regardless of the outcome. I prefaced each text with, “don’t get to excited yet, but…”. Because I wanted people to stay calm and rational about this. No one did, of course, but I guess really I’m just trying to keep myself calm.

I waited 4.5 hours for the nurse to call with my beta results. It seemed like a whole day at least. And I finally got good news. My HCG was 365. A solid number. I had a moment of relief.

To my confusion, my clinic recently changed the way they do betas, so they weren’t planning on doing a second beta until a week from now. Honestly, I don’t get that since the doubling time is more important than one number. But I guess it’s because they are doing them later now, rather than earlier (mine was 12 days past a 5 day transfer, which is like 17 days past ovulation), so if you have a good HCG level at this point they are less worried about it, I guess. I’m not less worried though, so I asked the nurse for a sooner beta. She agreed and said I could do another on Friday, which is 4 days later. I’m sure I’ll hate myself for asking for this come Friday morning, but hopefully by the afternoon I’ll have a little more reassurance.

So here I sit, pregnant. I’m still in shock. The beautiful hpt is still sitting on my desk a day later. I don’t know what to do with it, but I can’t bring myself to throw it away. It was very hard won. It’s like gold. Maybe I’ll take it for a walk later or pet it. I never had one of these with my first IVF pregnancy because I was so traumatized by years of negative tests that I was simply too scared to take a hpt, even after my positive beta.

Despite the shock though, somewhere inside of me is a calm. It’s the same underlying calmness that I felt during my pregnancy with my first IVF baby 4 years ago. I had that calm despite 2 rather large bleeds that were reminiscent of crime scenes due to a nasty subchorionic hematoma early on in that pregnancy. It’s a calm that says, “everything is going to be okay,” despite the statistics that might suggest otherwise. If I let my analytical mind begin to stir, I start mulling over miscarriage statistics for my age, and panic starts to pound in my chest. So I’ve decided to simply be irrational and not think at all during these next weeks. Is that possible?

One thing I do know for a fact is that worrying will not change the outcome, it will only make me miserable in the process. So I’m making the conscious decision to trust that calm wave that’s flowing through me right now. Maybe it’s my intuition telling me that everything really will work out. Maybe it’s hope sneaking in. Maybe it’s completely irrational. Whatever it is, I’m going to go with it. Otherwise I’m not sure how I’d survive the next 4 days.

Of course, this may be easier said then done. Must. Stop. Thinking.

An Unlikely FET

19 Thursday Apr 2018

Posted by in FET #2 (after IVF #6)

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Well this should be an interesting cycle.

Yesterday I began the preparations for another frozen embryo transfer (FET). My baseline ultrasound went well – my lining is thin as it should be at the start and my ovaries are “quiet”. Glad there’s no party going on in there. My blood work came back normal and so I was given the green light for estradiol valerate injections. Somehow I managed to forget that this medication is an intramuscular (IM) injection. Who wouldn’t want to block that out?  Also I’ll be doing progesterone in oil  – the dreaded butt shot – later in the cycle. So with these two, I’m anticipating a sore back end. However, I recently realized that my husband had previously been doing my IM shots way too low, which probably accounts for much of the pain and bruising. Mind you, I used PIO for 10 weeks during my IVF pregnancy so you’d think we would have known better. In any event, I think (or hope) things will go smoother now that we know to aim higher.

What makes this cycle so interesting, though, is that we are using 2 embryos that have the odds highly stacked against them – my PGS “abnormal” embryo and my bonus embryo left over from last cycle. I wrote more about these embryos here. If this works I’ll be shocked.

This cycle feels pretty different from the rest. I feel calmer. I’m not stressing about every little thing, analyzing every option, and second guessing every choice. And you know, all of that mental effort is exhausting and time consuming! I’m taking a cue from my beloved ocean – going with the flow and riding the waves. I’m not fighting the current. There is strength in that. Of course I hope this goes well, but honestly I’m not expecting it. I’m not clinging onto the outcome. I’m just riding the wave and waiting to observe where I end up. This is my visualization, my mantra.

That’s not to say this will be easy, or that another negative outcome won’t hurt. But I know I can weather that pain. I know the storm will calm and there will be sunshine again. So let’s see what happens…

Jennee phone 2018 946

My happy place

 

Next Up: FET (again)

10 Tuesday Apr 2018

Posted by in FET #2 (after IVF #6), Uncategorized

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My follow-up consultation with my RE yesterday was packed full of good information and even a surprise. So first the surprise: we have one frozen blast left over from my last cycle! Sure I’m ignoring the fact that it’s been a month since my egg retrieval and fresh transfer and no one mentioned to me until yesterday that I have a frostie. Seriously, why did the nurse not call me with that update?! Anyway, I’m going to ignore that slip up and focus on the fact that I have a surprise bonus embryo that I wasn’t counting on. Of course it’s not tested and it’s an early blast graded “BC,” which isn’t the prettiest embryo but still has a 90% chance of surviving the thaw. I asked if BC embryos still make babies and my RE said, “yes”. In fact, just for fun, he looked back to my cycle 4 years ago – the one that resulted in the birth of my daughter – and we discovered that she was also an early blast graded BC. Maybe my crappy looking embryos fair better than my high quality ones. Okay, I’m grasping at straws here. I was 36 back then and I’m 40 now, so the chance that this little BC is healthy is lower. But still – it’s a chance.

My RE recommended using what we have and doing a frozen embryo transfer (FET). Using what we have includes a little frozen PGS “abnormal” girl too. Yes, you heard that right. My RE is recommending that I transfer a PGS abnormal embryo. But first a few points to clarify. We did not do Next Generation Sequencing (NGS) so the results are either normal or abnormal – all mosaics are labeled as abnormal. Knowing what I know now, I would have tested using NGS so that the results would have specified whether the embryo was mosaic and the percentage of mosaicism. But I digress. In any event, I have a lot of respect for my RE (and his knowledge base) because he isn’t quick to dismiss all abnormal embryos. He took a close look at the details of the results and saw that this particular “abnormal” embryo only has a tiny segment of duplication on the short arm of chromosome 17. He said that a small percentage of the population may be walking around with similar minor abnormalities  and no one knows it because we never tested for that sort of thing before. This particular partial duplication will not lead to the birth of a child with an abnormality. Maybe my embryo will even have a superpower. Okay, that’s probably not true but I’d like to think so. The embryo may not implant or might be an early miscarriage (no different than what happens with so many pregnancies both IVF and unassisted) or the embryo could develop into a healthy baby. Both of these embryos are long shots simply due to my age-related quality issues, but it’s a chance. So the plan is to transfer both for my upcoming FET.

Going into this consultation I was prepared for the FET recommendation. I was also prepared to call it quits afterward if the FET fails. Over these last several weeks I’ve come to a place where I’m at peace with not having another child. I never thought I’d say that. And I’ll write specifically about how I shifted to that mindset in a later post. For now though, my RE convinced me to try one more egg retrieval and fresh transfer if this FET ends in another negative beta. My husband and daughter are both strongly rooting for another child, and my husband was also hoping to do one more fresh transfer.

My RE told me about some studies that followed women over the course of up to 12 (gasp) complete IVF egg retrieval and transfer cycles. The studies found that the chance for success increased over the course of 3 cycles, but plateaued after that. Meaning that after 3 complete cycles, the results don’t often change much. It should be noted that multiple FETs with eggs collected during the same retrieval only count once – that is, you can do several FETs and that doesn’t count against the 3 cycle benchmark. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, but when weighing the pros and cons of when I want to stop, I’m not going to keep doing this forever in the hopes of breaking the odds. Taking all of my cycles together and the particulars of my results, my RE said that if it were he and his wife, he would do one more IVF and fresh transfer after the FET. He said if we do that and still it fails, then I can feel confident that I didn’t leave anything on the table. No looking back and wondering. No regrets.

I like the sound of that. It makes sense. I think with the “break” of doing a FET first – since there’s so much less prep work for a FET – I can muster up the strength for one more IVF cycle. I don’t want to look back one day and wonder, “what if”. This plan seems like it will satisfactorily exhaust our options with my eggs. And if the journey ends there, I’m okay with that.

On a side note, I want to mention that I mustered up the courage to ask the scary question I had been avoiding. The “does repeated rounds of IVF cause cancer” question. My RE gave me a confident “no” and explained that the hormones used for this are naturally occurring in the body so the body knows how to process them. It doesn’t cause cancer. When I asked specifically about estrogen-sensitive cancers, he explained that again the answer is that IVF will not cause them. Prolonged estrogen can cause estrogen-sensitive cancers to grow (get bigger) but will not cause them. But he specified that it really does have to be prolonged exposure – the short bursts we use for IVF isn’t considered prolonged even when we do it multiple times. So I’m putting that fear to bed and thankfully moving on.

Holding Faith & Trust in the 2 Week Wait

15 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by in IVF#2 with FET

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The waiting has begun. Well, more waiting I suppose. The hard, second guessing everything and over-analyzing every twinge kind of waiting. We had our embryo transfer last Thursday. Everything went well during the thaw. I mostly knew it would, but there’s always that small chance of something going wrong. I didn’t focus on that. I did acupuncture right before (and after) the transfer and was feeling pretty at ease at that point. After we got called back to the transfer room, it was just a short wait until my RE brought me a picture of my precious little girl. There were two pictures actually. One was right after the thaw and the other was 4 hours later. I was relieved when I saw that in that short time she had already started hatching. To me, that meant that she hadn’t been harmed during the biopsy or thaw and was right back to growing strong again. My RE said, “Let’s give her something to attach to,” and just like that, my perfect baby was placed into my womb.

I’ve been following a post I came across about what happens after a 5-day transfer. It’s interesting to read about if you haven’t, and you can find it here.  Yesterday I was at Day 4 after transfer, and on that day my little embaby is finding her way deeply into my uterus and attaching to the endometrial blood supply. Early in the morning I felt a sharp jab to my uterus that actually woke me up from sleep. It was over in an instant. I can’t help but think maybe this was my baby making that final journey deep into her nest.

Or it could have been unrelated. This is that time during IVF/FET when you really over-analyze absolutely every little thing your body does. The two week wait is a trickster. Every “symptom” could easily be explained away by all that progesterone, a pending period, or anything else really. Feeling so unsure about myself is something I’m not accustomed to, and it’s rather unsettling. More than ever I have to rely on trust and faith. Trust in the science that brought us to this point. Trust that this  little embryo and my body know what to do and can do it. Trust and faith in the Divine that my prayers will be answered. Faith that this will really work. To hold space for that I must find my courage. I can do this.

Yesterday I went for a walk in the local arboretum. It’s a place of beauty, serene nature, and fond memories. It’s also home to a lovely labyrinth. Labyrinths are magical places and I feel lucky to have one so close by (although you could certainly make a simple one in your backyard or home with nothing but a long piece of yarn). Labyrinths are different from mazes. Mazes have multiple pathways, dead ends, and the correct path is hidden for you to deduce. Labyrinths have once path; it goes in then back out. There is no guessing or figuring. Walking the curving path creates a rhythm and lets the mind disconnect from everyday tasks and stressors. It’s a meditative practice. There are many different ways to mindfully walk a labyrinth.

In the spirit of connecting with my trust and faith, I began my path at the labyrinth opening by calling to the Divine and all of my spiritual and angelic helpers. As I walked the curving path toward the center I focused on my prayer – that my embryo transfer succeeds in blessing me with a healthy pregnancy and baby. I focused on this as I slowly walked with intention all the way to the center. Once there, I gave thanks. I am truly grateful for all the help and blessings I have received along this journey. I know that the Divine and my helpers have been watching over me all along, and have had a hand in all the amazing things that have miraculously gone right. As I wound in the reverse direction out of the labyrinth, I filled my heart with gratitude – including gratitude for the blessing that is growing inside my womb. Labirynth

Approaching Transfer in Sync with the Full Moon

08 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by in IVF#2 with FET

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Two days until transfer day, or maybe that’s one day if you don’t count the actual transfer day. It’s finally (almost) here. The wait has been long and I’m ready to get my little embaby in my womb. It’s obvious, isn’t it? I’ve managed to find myself in a calm and hopeful place, which was my goal for this process. I attribute this state to a number of things including, but probably not limited to, emotional exploration through reflective blogging, Circle and Bloom FET meditation practice, prayer and ritual, honest conversations with my few supportive people, mindfulness practices, acupuncture, craniosacral therapy, nature walks, date night with my husband, some fun outings, and getting accurate information from my RE. These things have been invaluable. I didn’t have all of this the first time around, and it’s made a huge difference.

 

Yesterday was the full moon, and as I approach my transfer on Thursday, I wanted to harness the energy of the moon. I’m entranced by the moon. The August full moon is often called the Corn Moon, and calls us to focus on harvesting that which we have already planted. The synchronicity with this and my embryo in waiting and  (hopefully) pending pregnancy is magical. It was suggested to me by another magical woman that I set out a special stone to charge with the fertile energy of the full moon and keep it on my person until I get a positive pregnancy result. I liked the idea and thought the best way for me to do this is to use a piece of stone jewelry. After considering my options, I decided on two pieces that are made with stones that aid in fertility, and have a special meaning for me. These particular pieces include rainbow moonstone, rose quartz, carnelian, rhodochrosite, amber, and quartz. I also decided to set out a rose quartz heart palm stone that I plan to have handy after the transfer as a reminder of love, acceptance, and welcoming.

 

I set these items out on my wood stump on my balcony, which gets a great show of moonlight, and spent some time in prayer. This morning I mindfully put on my bracelet and necklace, and offered thanks. Thursday can’t come soon enough.

charge

Jewelry by MacRae Naturals, Goddess statues and spiral baby by Brigid’s Grove, candle by me.

Understanding the ERA: A Field of Flowers

03 Thursday Aug 2017

Posted by in IVF#2 with FET

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StockSnap_P52TO8UCYSI find that it’s so easy to over-analyze in this process, inevitable leading to anxiety. I’m also tempted to consult Dr. Google and we all know how that turns out. So I’ve been trying to not over think it, but the one aspect of my upcoming FET that has really got me in knots is the timing of the transfer and my Endometrial Receptivity Assay (ERA) results. Learning just enough about the ERA test and implantation to make me dangerous, I’m struck by just how small the window is for implantation. Since I only have one embryo, I know we have to get the timing right for success. When the timing is off, that’s when perfectly normal, healthy embryos don’t make it. Sure there are other reasons FETs can fail, but this is a big one. And so, I’ve been worried.

Let’s talk ERA testing and implantation. Here are the basics. Estrogen help us grow a nice plush lining. Some women do a natural cycle for this and others do a medically controlled one. If you’re going the medical route, there are many different protocols to help you get there. Mine included 2 shots of estradiol weekly for about 6 shots total prior to transfer. My nurse explained that while estrogen helps build the lining, progesterone helps the lining stay put, so days before the transfer I’ll start progesterone in oil (PIO) shots. But it’s a lot more than that, really. Progesterone actually changes the make up of the lining and helps the receptors there activate.  Now here’s where it gets scary. Those receptors are only active for a short amount of time and then they close off. An embryo can only implant during that small receptive window. So the timing of the transfer is key, and that’s really based on how long progesterone has been in your system.

The ERA test is a relatively new one to hit the infertility treatment scene. To do the ERA, you do a mock cycle – including medications and all – but instead of doing the embryo transfer, they biopsy your lining. My RE did 2 biopsies in one mock cycle – a biopsy on day 5 and another on day 7 – to ensure that we covered the most likely receptive time frame. If the first biopsy comes back receptive then they don’t bother testing the second. But if the first is non-receptive then they can test the second sample to see what’s going on. I was glad they did 2 biopsies in the same mock cycle because it saves time  (and money) from having to do another whole mock cycle for a second biopsy if the first one fails to find the right day.

In my case, the first biopsy came back pre-receptive – meaning my lining wasn’t quite ready yet – and the second biopsy came back post-receptive. The laboratory that did the testing recommended a certain number of hours of progesterone that would get me right into the middle, which should be my peak receptive time. Based on this, I’m supposed to start my PIO shots at a very specific time and have my transfer at a specific time on day 6. Those results have literally been haunting me.

There were 2 things that worried me:

  1. I’m worried about doing a transfer on day 6 since for my first IVF we did a fresh 5-day transfer, which obviously worked because I have a daughter. So is changing the day really a good idea?
  2. I was really hoping one of the biopsies would come back “receptive” rather than pre- and post-receptive because,  to me, that seems like guess work. Having a biopsy be clearly receptive would seem like more of a sure thing. Maybe my thinking was wrong here, but I was worried.

Now I haven’t seen my RE since my biopsy, and won’t see him until the big day, and the nurse gave me my ERA results. She assured me they were accurate and I tried to accept that. But here we are one week before my FET, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Today I went in for my last blood draw before the transfer, so this was really my last chance to ask questions in person before the big day. I went in to get my blood drawn, and to my surprise there was my RE standing there looking at some files. He’s rarely ever out of his office or the exam rooms, so this was a rare opportunity. I asked him if he had time for a quick question even though he was clearly busy. He said yes and not only took the time to fully answer my questions, but he even drew me a graph. I love this guy. And I feel so relieved having my questions answered and getting a better understanding of this complex process. So I wanted to share.

ERAHe drew a normal bell curve and explained that it represents how many receptors are active in the lining. The more receptors that are active (represented by the highest peak of the bell curve), the better chance an embryo has of implanting. The ERA results focus specifically on finding the peak window of receptivity – the optimal receptivity. This could be day 5 for some women, or other days like day 4, 6, or 7. My results gave a peak window on day 6, but there are still receptors active on day 5 (which for me would be on the right side of the bell curve where the line is lower), which is why my last IVF transfer worked. ERA doesn’t test for the whole bell curve – it’s aiming for the peak window. So he said, that this time I’ll have even more receptors active than last time so we will be giving my embryo an even better chance of implanting than we did the first time.  That cleared up question #1 for me and made a lot of sense. Then he explained that the test is able to accurately calculate my receptive window even with the pre- and post-receptive findings, so they purposely space out the biopsies by 2 days (rather than doing days 5 and 6) to capture the best window. He said he is very confident in the results and that made me feel good too because he is great at what he does and I trust him. I’ve also read about the high accuracy of the ERA in research studies. That gave me peace of mind on question #2 also.

My RE also gave me a nice analogy. He said that the receptors in the lining are like a field of flowers. The more flowers you have open, the more likely your baby is to implant. At first, only a few early flowers begin to open. Implantation can occur but it’s less likely. Shortly thereafter, the whole field bursts with life and all the flowers are in bloom. This is when there is the greatest chance for implantation. Then most of the flowers begin to fade, while a few hold on for a bit longer, and implantation success dwindles. The ERA test tells you when your whole field is in bloom. A pretty thought, isn’t it? I think I’ll use that visualization on transfer day, and the days after as my embryo continues to nuzzle in, Goddess willing. I can’t help but think that someone was looking out for me today and helped time things perfectly so that I could ask my RE these questions. Now I’m going into the last stretch with a renewed sense of calm and confidence. I finally feel excited!

Meditation for FET

02 Wednesday Aug 2017

Posted by in IVF#2 with FET

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sunflower.jpgEight days until our frozen embryo transfer (FET). We’re almost there. I wrote in my last post about my unexpected influx in anxiety and worry about this FET. I’ve been able to significantly reduce that, thankfully, and one of the major contributors to that reduction has been a meditation and visualization program that I’ve been doing daily. This program is specifically designed for the FET process by a company called Circle and Bloom. You can find it here. I’m not affiliated with the company in any way, and I’m not getting anything for this review, but it has been so helpful for me that I wanted to share. What I like best about this program is that it’s designed specifically for FETs so there are different meditations in the series for the various stages of the process. So it really “fits” with what my body is doing at the time. The guided instructions for focusing my attention, progressively relaxing my body, and fertility related visualizations help keep my wandering mind on target and allow me to fully melt into the experience. It’s really been a life saver. They also have a series specifically for IVF, which I did 3 years ago when I did my first IVF. I found both programs to be well worth the money, and I like that they have digital versions so I can listen to them on my phone or other device, wherever I am.

 

One thing that I really like about using meditation is that it helps to reset my mind so that I can leave the panic and “what if’s” behind and find a place of calm. And that is no easy task when you’re going through infertility treatments. In those moments of calm I’m better able to focus on what I’m grateful for and connect with the Divine. I can also more easily take solstice in my mantra: trust, faith, courage. Every day I’ve been reminding myself that worry and lamenting over the worst possible outcome will not change anything. It won’t prevent anything. Meditation has helped my calm my fears just enough so that I can say, “What if this does work…” rather than “what if it doesn’t”.

 

But meditation doesn’t have to be something formal. I think that anytime you find yourself completely immersed in the moment, that is a form of mediation too. I feel the same sense of calm when I’m talking a walk in nature, sitting in the sun, or engulfed in an art project. My husband took me to one of those painting and wine places, where you get a blank canvas and are instructed by a teacher on creating some picture. And there’s wine (which I drank, moderately, without guilt or worry). Aside from when we had to stop and sneak into the bathroom together so that my husband could give me a shot, gotta love this process, I literally didn’t think about anything other than the painting I was creating. It was a great break and so wonderful to connect with my husband for a fun date night. We laughed and teased each other. IVF is so all consuming that we often loose that joy, or at least misplace it for a while. So I’m going to continue my meditations, both the structured FET meditation series and the more fluid “in the moment” pleasures. I think this will help me come to my FET on the 10th holding a sacred space of readiness and welcome for my baby.

FET: Unexpected Apprehensions

19 Wednesday Jul 2017

Posted by in IVF#2 with FET

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I have an apprehensive feeling setting in. I have my baseline ultrasound and initial blood work for my frozen embryo transfer (FET) scheduled for Friday. This is the real deal. We have one embryo. One shot. And that’s making me nervous.

It’s so different from the first time we did IVF three years ago. Then we did a fresh 5-day transfer. When I showed up that day, 5 days after my egg retrieval, I didn’t even know how many embryos had made it. I knew that at least some did because the transfer wasn’t canceled. But I didn’t know anything about the embryos. That day I found out that 3 of 7 made it to early blasts, and 1 was lagging even more behind so they were going to watch it to see if it continued to grow. The RE recommended transferring 3 due to my age, 35 years, and quality of the embryos. We didn’t do PGS testing back then so it was based on visual grading. I was shocked when he suggested transferring all 3, but it gave us the best chance of success per his statistics and the risk of triplets was so small. I had been through so much by that point that I was willing to do anything to get pregnant, so we transferred all 3 and I was thrilled. That fourth one arrested so we didn’t have any left to freeze.

When I look back on that I realize there are some similarities between then and now. In both situations no embryos will be left over after the transfer. So really they are both one shot deals. If either failed, we would have to start IVF all over again. But I didn’t feel apprehensive that first time. I felt excited. I felt like for the first time EVER I had a real chance of becoming a mother. Why did I feel that way then, but feel so sacred now?

Well, I think there may be a few things going on now that are impacting my emotions.

First, let’s face it – my biological clock is screaming. We’re past ticking. I’ll be turning 40 in the middle of this FET. Happy birthday to me. The thing that scares me most about that is how poor my egg quality was despite supplements. At age 35 I still had some time for multiple retrievals if I needed them. We didn’t do banking, though I now wish we had. At that time we were paying out of pocket and doing multiple rounds for banking would have been a challenge. Plus my RE didn’t even mention it, and I was so focused on just trying to get pregnant that banking never even occurred to me. Truthfully, I thought one child would be enough if I was ever lucky enough to have one. And I am so blessed to have my daughter, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still feel a deep desire to grow our family like so many other people do.  If this FET doesn’t work and I am faced with doing another egg retrieval, my egg quality could be even worse than it was this round. It might not work at all. So time isn’t my friend and that makes me nervous.

This time I was given the option of doing another egg retrieval after the first for banking, but I decided to move forward with the FET. It’s a gamble really. At this point we are only trying for one more child. We decided to go for it with our PGS normal embryo because my RE gave us a high chance for success. So we are betting on this little one.

Another thing that makes this time different from the first is the expectations. Mine, my husbands, my family and friends, even our daughter’s expectations.  I was so fortunate that our first IVF worked for us. But I knew what a miracle that was. I read all the statistics about how most couples need multiple rounds of IVF to bring home that baby. I even participated in the Attain Financial program where you pay up front for three IVF cycles at a discounted rate and they reimburse you a large percentage of the cost if they all fail, so you don’t go completely in debt for nothing and can afford additional treatments or other options if necessary. There’s no reimbursement if it works on the first try, so really I ended up paying more than I would have if I had only paid for one round of IVF. But I don’t regret that decision because having that safety net was so reassuring during the process. I made that choice initially because I knew it would most likely take multiple attempts. But my loved ones hadn’t read the research I had. They pretty much expected IVF to work. And it did. So now my family and friends are already planning for my second baby. And, truth be told, so am I. PGS testing seems to make that expectation even higher. A normal embryo should stick, right? I know it’s no guarantee, but it raises the bar.

All in all, I suppose it’s kind of like expecting the worst and getting the worst. It’s harsh, no doubt. But when you expect it to work and it doesn’t – well that’s even more devastating. I want to be optimistic, and up until now I have been – but as I start this FET I feel more shaken than I had in the past. My expectations are so high. I don’t want to fall that far.

We’ve also been very open with our daughter about this whole process. It’s something I have mixed feeling about. I can completely understand why many parents would keep this a secret from their child until the pregnancy is well established. But I can’t even poop without my 2.5 year old all up in my business. Do you think I could administer 4 shots daily without her noticing? No, I couldn’t. So we decided to be honest with her. We told her that we are trying to make a baby and this is how mommy makes a baby. Of course she wanted to participate in the process. So I gave her a job that she proudly did every morning and evening. She was in charge of the alcohol wipes and wiped my belly before each shot. She talked about wanting to take the shots herself because she wanted a sister in her belly. We explained to her that if we are lucky to get a baby it could be a boy or a girl and we’d be grateful for either, but either way it will be in mommy’s belly. It was sweet. I have no idea where she got the idea of having a sister from but she was adamant. When we found out that we actually had one normal embryo – and it was a girl – we caved in our excitement and told her. She was so excited. I know telling her may not have been the smartest decision, but we couldn’t hide our elation. It’s done. And I’m terrified of letting her down. I want to give her that sister.

And the last thing that I think is weighing on me this time around is that I’m already picturing our lives with this second little girl. Somehow, knowing up front the gender of this little embryo that isn’t even in my womb yet has made her all the more real to me. I’m not sure if that even makes sense. With my first IVF baby, we didn’t even find out the gender until she was born. It was one of the best moments of her birth, at least in part because it was a pretty traumatic birth and seeing the look on my husband’s face as he told me our baby’s gender was a precious bright spot. I loved not knowing the gender during pregnancy, but honestly it did make me feel a tiny bit disconnected. It’s not that gender is so important, in fact I think it’s a bit overemphasized. But there is something more personal, to me, about naming the baby and connecting in that concrete way. Knowing that this little embryo is a girl has made her seem more concrete – more real. We’ve even started calling her by name. I can envision my two daughters growing up together.

Going though the lengthier mock transfer process has allowed me so much more time to create this attachment to this little embryo than I had when I did my fresh transfer 5 short days after my first egg retrieval. How can I be attached to an embryo that isn’t even in my womb yet? I’m not even pregnant yet. Still I sit here having these real feelings. And that make me more afraid of loosing her before we ever even had a chance.

As I write all of this out, it makes more sense to me why I’m feeling all these scary feeling as I begin my FET, rather than the excitement I expected to feel. While I really don’t want to go through this whole FET fearful, I do want to acknowledge these feelings and give them the respect they deserve. I do have good reasons for feeling the way I do, and I feel less confused having explored them. So now that I’ve acknowledged these feeling and have a better understanding of them, I’m going to look for ways to move past them. Ultimately, I want to go through this FET with hope, joy, and cautious optimism. With the help of the Divine and a small circle of support people, I think I’ll get there.

Soaking Up The Sun

18 Tuesday Jul 2017

Posted by in IVF#2 with FET

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natalie-collins-177075I’m lucky to live in a place that usually has clear beautiful blue skies most of the year. It’s what gets me through the colder months. In July the sun is radiant and, well, a little hot. I’m one of those people who spends a lot of time indoors. I have a desk job. But I do love the sun. The feel of the sun’s warm kiss on my skin. It reminds me of my childhood days spent playing in my parents’ pool, and my teen years listening to the waves crash on the beach. Getting out in the sun is good for my soul.

As a psychologist I also know it’s good for my mental well being. Studies have shown that exposure to sunlight, or lack thereof, is related to mood changes. Without enough sunlight we may feel sluggish, down, or even depressed. There’s even a disorder all about this called Seasonal Affective Disorder. What is it about the sun that affects our emotions this way? Well, there are several contributing factors, but the one that I want to call out here is vitamin D. The sun is hands down the best source of vitamin D for our bodies, and Vitamin D boosts our mood. It also does a myriad of other positive things in our bodies and plays a role in several illnesses from diabetes to cancer to infertility (which you can read more about here). So sunshine is good for my mind, body, and spirit, and my fertility.

I had my Vitamin D levels checked prior to beginning IVF. It was low-normal. At my doctor’s recommendation I began taking a vitamin D3 supplement to boost this up a bit. Then my RE suggested I up it even more to help with egg quality, as Vitamin D is also a great antioxidant. Even though I’m now past egg retrieval, I’m continuing to take Vitamin D as I prepare for my frozen embryo transfer and hopefully become pregnant. So now I’m currently taking the recommended prenatal dosage, although the dose varies based on which resource you read. I’m sticking with what the American Pregnancy Association says, which is 4,000 IU daily of the bio-avalible cholecalciferol form of D3.

But the truth is that our bodies are designed to make vitamin D from sun exposure. This is optimal. Now I know there are a lot of sun-related fears out there. Yes I’ve heard that sun tanning causes skin cancer and we should slather ourselves daily in sunscreen. But on a side note, have you ever read the ingredients in most sun screens? Lots of them are filled with carcinogens (caner causing) and endocrine disruptors (wreaks havoc on hormones which is not good for fertility), so that seems a bit counterproductive to me. I won’t go too far down that rabbit hole in this post. I’m not a sunscreen hater. It has it’s place. Burning isn’t good for anyone and there are some more natural, non-toxic ones out there. But sun exposure has gotten a bad rap. And I’ll admit it: I am a sun lover, in moderation of course.

So I have been making an effort to engage in short, intimate rendezvous with the sun.  I found this article helpful for knowing when and how much sun exposure to aim for safely. But as much as I love the vitamin D, it’s more than that to me. The sun represents energy, power, will, and endurance – and these characteristics are woven into my journey with infertility. So when I bare my skin for a glorious 15 minutes up on my balcony under the sun, that’s what I’m taking in. I’m filling every cell in my body with this energy, this power. I ask the Diving power of the sun to recharge me and give me strength on this journey. I visualize my body filling with this energy and beginning to glow. And then I offer a quiet word of thanks for this wonderful gift.

I was inspired by a recent post in a group that I’m in that referenced an older blog post about a meditation called “Eating the Sun”. It’s a simple meditation that you can do anytime, anywhere. You can find the blog post here and try it out if you’d like. It’s really beautiful.

We could all use a little more sunshine on this journey, couldn’t we?