Tag Archives: Coping

Pregnant After Infertility: Out with the guilt and on with the symptoms!

25 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by in Pregnancy After Infertility

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You know that guilt we carry around while going through infertility treatments? The part where we second guess each choice and worry that we’ve messed something up? I wrote about one of my guilt stricken moments a while back during who knows which round of IVF. That guilt doesn’t simply go away with a big fat positive (BFP), I think it just morphs into something new. Maybe even something similar to survivor guilt.

Let’s talk about that.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a woman who is pregnant after IVF express guilt over complaining about anything pregnancy related. Just the other day I was reading a post from a woman who was struggling with guilt because she felt bad over the fact that she wanted to complain about throwing up multiple times per day, everyday. Let me repeat that. This poor woman is vomiting her guts out repeatedly every freaking day, and she felt like she was being ungrateful if she let on that she wasn’t loving “puke fest 2018”. Wait, what?!

So I’m just going to say it. Just because we are pregnant after struggling long and hard with infertility, doesn’t mean that we should love pregnancy symptoms. And just because we don’t like nausea, vomiting, exhaustion, etc., does NOT mean that we are ungrateful to be pregnant. We are grateful. And we are so very sad and empathetic toward all the women continuing to fight the infertility battle.

But still, pregnancy symptoms are just as hard for us as they are for our fertile sisters. And they get to complain without the added guilt. In fact, they get sympathy for their symptoms. And so should we. Throwing up is not fun for anyone, regardless of how badly you wanted that baby or how long you tried.

It’s okay to not like this part. So let’s let the guilt go, ladies. You can be miserable during the first trimester, and any other part if it fits. You earned it. In fact, you went to hell and back to get here.

abdomen active activity belly button

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We spend so much time, effort, and money chasing that BFP that we sometimes begin to idealize what it will finally be like when we become pregnant. We paint this pretty picture in our minds filled with rainbows in the sky, glitter raining down upon us, our baby bumps growing round while the rest of our body  glows like a magical earth goddesses, while we hold picture perfect yoga poses, and lovingly chuckle at our partners as they struggle to assemble the perfect crib. Oh and we’re craving nothing but veggies and fruit.

Yeah, that’s probably not going to happen.

So when early pregnancy isn’t quite what you imagined it would be during the years you were trying to conceive, please don’t beat yourself up over it. Let the guilt go! You have the right to be heard and to feel what you feel. Guilt free. Yes, you definitely earned it.

Pregnant After Infertility: The first ultrasound

19 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by in Pregnancy After Infertility

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Last week I had my first ultrasound just after 8 weeks. I was terrified. While I hadn’t had any cramping or bleeding, I simply couldn’t let myself off the hook. I mean, women have missed miscarriages right?!  Oh and if you are wondering, a missed miscarriage is when the baby stops growing but you don’t know it because you didn’t bleed or cramp. Since old habits die hard, I googled all the symptoms of missed miscarriages, like any good infertility patient.  Apparently, it might be a missed miscarriage if all of your pregnancy symptoms completely stop. Or you can still have all of your symptoms and still find out that you’ve had a missed miscarriage. Just lovely. My symptoms had decreased, but I guess it could happen either way.

So with trepidation, I went to my clinic and my husband met me there. I swear it was like I was approaching the stage for a big presentation or race. All eyes were on me. As I walked down the hall, every staff person stopped and smiled at me reassuringly, wishing me luck, but it almost looked like they were nervous too. My clinic is relatively small, I think, with only 2 RE’s and everyone discusses the cases together. Each nurse or tech has been involved with me multiple times over the past 5 rounds of IVF, 2 FETs, 3 ERAs, and lots of tests and procedures. They’ve all had a hand in my reproduction. Strange, but also oddly heart warming.

My RE did my ultrasound and right away he found one tiny baby. He quickly assured me that the baby was measuring right on time and had a heart beat. Relief flooded me. The nurse handed me tissue for my tears. Then my RE measured the heart rate and it was right on target at 155. More relief.

After we were done, each and every staff person, from my RE to the receptionist at the front desk, came and hugged me. There were cheers and tears. It had been a long road. And the caring support felt great.

So here we are. Pregnant with a singleton and off to a good start. But still I think about the worse case. Infertility seems to wire us to think this way, and it’s something I try to let go of. Still, I had heard from the grapevine that once you confirm a healthy heart beat in the ultrasound, the risk of miscarriage drops to 5%. I asked my RE to verify if that’s true. He said that at this point, 8 weeks, the risk drops to 10%, then once you still find that things are going well at 10 weeks the risk drops to 5%, then gets even lower at the end of the first trimester. So I guess I have a 90% comfort level right now. I was hoping to be 95% confident, and yes that extra 5% seems like a big deal.

When the anxiety comes up, I logically remind myself that my chances for a successful pregnancy are great. Sometimes I mindfully let the negative thoughts float past me. Acknowledging them, but simply letting them float by without judgment. Most of the time I can do this. My husband said he wished he could spray me with a “dumb spray”. I know it sounds bad, but his heart is in the right place. He wishes he could take the fear away and turn me into one of those blissfully naive women who don’t worry about early pregnancy and can enjoy it. He knows the toll infertility has had on me, and how hard it can be to let the fears go and celebrate the moment.

I think it gets a tiny bit easier each day. This time around I’m more prepared for how this works. I’m grateful to be pregnant after IVF and I’m trying my best to enjoy the moment. I still don’t feel particularly connected to this baby, as I have this lingering notion in my mind that my pregnancy isn’t secure until after the first trimester. I know that horrible losses occur after the first trimester, but I’m not allowing myself to go there.

bookI have a book called, “Spiritual Pregnancy” that interestingly was written by an couple who both happen to be OBGYNs. I find this book unique in that it is written from a spiritual perspective, but authored by MDs. Not to say that MDs can’t be spiritual, but it’s not often what you find in sterile, clinical settings. The book contains lots of meditative practices and journaling ideas for connecting with your growing baby, yoga poses to support the different stages of pregnancy, info on baby’s growth, as well as many other topics to support connection and a mindful pregnancy and birth. I think anyone who has a spiritual pull, regardless of religious affiliation or lack thereof, could enjoy this book. I started reading the beginning section for the first trimester, but I find myself not really engaging in reading much while I wait for the second trimester. I guess I’m still afraid to connect with the baby in case something goes wrong.  I suppose I have some reading to do.

The Liminal Space After A BFP

11 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by in Pregnancy After Infertility

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It’s only been 3 weeks since finding out that my FET actually worked, but it feels like a lot longer. Since my initial HCG beta, I’ve had 2 more betas and each had doubled appropriately. Each beta brought temporary relief and renewed confidence. All in all, I’ve been maintaining a decent level of calm, right up until about 3 days ago. Since then I’ve been beating back that feeling that, I think, goes had in hand with pregnancy after infertility. It’s the feeling you get when you know just how fragile something is. When you know how easily it can be lost. And how frequently “bad things” happen. How I wish I could be blissfully naive.

When I see women posting pictures of positive pregnancy tests, as they announce to the world that they are having a baby, I cringe in silence and hope that they really do end up with that baby. Or I roll my eyes and spat out, “idiot!” You know, it depends on how my hormone cocktail is affecting my mood that day. The reality is that those of us who struggle with infertility have a deeper level of understanding about what all can go wrong. And that makes the early weeks, even months, of pregnancy after infertility a peculiar time.

I feel like I have to pause to state specifically how grateful I am to be pregnant at all after my FET. So let me be clear – I am grateful. I would rather be riding in this anxiety boat than preparing the ships for another turbulent round of IVF, no contest. We all work so hard to hopefully get here. But I do want to acknowledge the strange liminal space that comes after a big fat positive (BFP).

The psychological impact of infertility does not go away with a positive pregnancy test. Sometimes, it doesn’t even go away when you get the baby in your arms. Trauma, depression, sadness, anxiety, fear, anger, guilt – these emotions can be carried forward. Sometimes their faces changes, but in some ways they may go with you. At least for a while. This concept caught me completely off guard when I became pregnant after IVF 4 years ago. In fact, it wasn’t even until the second trimester that I even realized how numb and detached I felt. That’s never how I imagined I’d feel after trying so hard for so long to get pregnant. And I was too ashamed about that to tell anyone.

The problem was that no one talked about it. So that’s why I’m bringing it up, because I know my experience isn’t unique. The infertility community is a wonderful support resource. But it can be hard to share anxieties and fears with those who are still struggling to get their BFP. And rightly so – I get that. Assumptions of happiness also come from family and friends, sometimes from our partners too. But I think it’s important for women to know that it is normal to not feel ecstatic after a positive beta. You don’t have to feel guilty for that – we’ve felt guilty about enough crap, haven’t we?

So what can we do when we are standing at the threshold of pregnancy land but we still feel like an infertile imposter?

First and foremost, I think just knowing that these feeling can happen and are normal is a huge step. I was literally blindsided, and when I realized what was going on I wondered why no one talked about this. As a psychologist I’ve worked a lot with trauma survivors, and I realized that there’s an analogy there. When you take a person out of a traumatic situation, we all know that there is going to be carryover effects. For example, when a soldier comes home from war, we know that simply being home and no longer being shot at doesn’t make all of the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) go away. Not by a long shot. I’m not saying that all women who go through infertility have PTSD, although some may. But, we can’t simply remove a woman from infertility and expect that she is going to be all smiles and have no remnants of the pain that she went through. Yet, a lot of people kind of expect her to.

When women talk about the unique experience of pregnancy after infertility – and not just the side with rainbows and kittens – we create awareness, normalize the whole continuum of the experience of infertility, and foster honest support. I’ve found some Facebook groups specifically geared toward pregnancy after IVF, but honestly they were harder to find than the infertility groups. I think these groups can be valuable since it provides a space for opening up about these feelings to women who can likely relate, without being insensitive to those who are still in the IVF trenches.

Lastly, I just want to say that we need to be kind to ourselves. That is true no matter where we are in this process, and it doesn’t end with a BFP. And this is particularly relevant to me today as I sit here anxiously awaiting my first ultrasound tomorrow. I’ve reluctantly analyzed every symptom in a futile effort to determine whether this pregnancy is still progressing – whether we’ll find a baby with a heart beat in there tomorrow. It doesn’t feel real. I don’t feel connected to this baby. I’m scared to, because what if… But I know that right now this is out of my hands. My body will do what it intuitively knows to do, and if this embryo is healthy then it will still be growing. If not, I will find a way to cope. I hope I don’t have to, but I will. If infertility has taught me anything, it’s how strong I am.

The Problem with Manifestation

18 Friday May 2018

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colourful capsules

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It seems that where ever I go I find commentary about how we create our own realities. In spiritual circles the notion of manifestation, or the Law of Attraction, is everywhere. In essence, it’s the idea that by utilizing the power of the mind to focus on your desired outcome, and taking some action toward that outcome, your desire will become your reality. It’s like sending all of your positive thoughts and intentions out into the Universe, and being rewarded with your heart’s desires. And I admit, I’ve done my best to sing to the manifestation tune. I’ve visualized, I’ve sent intentions out to the Universe, I’ve been confident in an outcome, I’ve done my part. But can it ever really be that simple?

As a psychologist, you find countless examples of the power of the mind to “manifest”. What psychologist hasn’t knowingly smiled and thought, “yes, of course that’s what’s happened – it was a self-fulfilling prophecy”? Trust me, we say things like that.  A self-fulfilling prophecy is when one’s deeply held beliefs and expectations subconsciously effect our behavior and ultimately lead to an outcome consistent with our beliefs. One example of this is the placebo effect, which is when you expect something to happen and then it does. Take medications for example. In medical research, patients may think they are taking a certain medication, but really they are given a sham pill. Nevertheless, the outcomes look the same as it does for the patients taking the real medication. But since the people taking the sham pill, or placebo, believed it was a real medication, it ended up having the same effect. The placebo effect is actually a pretty common occurrence in scientific studies, thus illustrating the power of the mind. And then there’s the research on the perception of pain that shows that one’s thoughts about pain can actually impact their sensitivity to pain. Or how about ulcers? It is well known that ulcers can be caused by stress. Read: the brain can manifest physical illness.

It’s easy to start wondering what role manifestation might have in infertility and getting pregnant. Am I the reason I’m not getting pregnant? Am I not willing it hard enough?

These ideas get reinforced in the world of infertility in various ways. There are fertility meditations and visualizations designed specifically for conception, IVF, FET, and healthy  pregnancies. Don’t get me wrong, I love meditations. I’m a big fan of Circle and Bloom’s IVF and FET series, and have used them during multiple cycles. I think they are beautifully healthy ways to cope with the stress that goes hand in hand with infertility treatments. And that is hugely important. But is there another message being conveyed here? Is there a subtle pressure telling us that if we just visualize that embryo implanting strong enough…

The mantra said to women going through infertility treatment is, “Think positive!” When I was an IVF virgin, I was all on board the “just think positive” train. I tried my best to manifest like a goddess. Baby dust sparkled out of my vagina when I walked. (And if you don’t know what “baby dust” is, then you really are new here). As time passed, and I accumulated more infertility treatment experience than I ever thought I would, I found myself hanging off the back of that positivity train, kind of bouncing off the ground. I was feeling beat up by it. Then I simply let go and sat on the ground as I watched the train fade into the distance. I’m still not entirely sure what I think of it all.

But there are a few things I know for sure.

When it comes to infertility, and possibly other things in life, this idea of manifestation via the Law of Attraction has a really dangerous underbelly. It’s the underlying message that the reason I didn’t get pregnant is because I didn’t try hard enough. Because I didn’t think positively enough. I didn’t will it enough. I am to blame. I caused this.

That’s self-blaming, guilt provoking, and shaming. And complete bullshit. I did not cause this infertility.

People say, “Think positive!” in an effort to encourage us. To support us. We even say it to each other. Sometimes it’s said because the speaker is uncomfortable with our pain and doesn’t know what else to say. Sometimes we don’t want to tell the truth. Sometimes it’s all we have to hold on to. But those words can so easily be turned upside down when they’re received. Those words can become fears and anxieties: “Could this fail because I wasn’t positive enough? Did I ruin this?” It’s an insidious game that gets played in our minds. All too often infertility is marred by blame and shame.

I’m not telling anyone to not think positively if that’s helping them cope. What I am saying is that it will not change the outcome. IVF will either work or it won’t. And the determining factor won’t be how positive you were. So if you aren’t feeling particularly positive, don’t beat yourself up over it! Feel what you need to feel. And if you’re feeling extra positive, that’s great too. Just watch where you sprinkle that shit.

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Next Up: FET (again)

10 Tuesday Apr 2018

Posted by in FET #2 (after IVF #6), Uncategorized

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My follow-up consultation with my RE yesterday was packed full of good information and even a surprise. So first the surprise: we have one frozen blast left over from my last cycle! Sure I’m ignoring the fact that it’s been a month since my egg retrieval and fresh transfer and no one mentioned to me until yesterday that I have a frostie. Seriously, why did the nurse not call me with that update?! Anyway, I’m going to ignore that slip up and focus on the fact that I have a surprise bonus embryo that I wasn’t counting on. Of course it’s not tested and it’s an early blast graded “BC,” which isn’t the prettiest embryo but still has a 90% chance of surviving the thaw. I asked if BC embryos still make babies and my RE said, “yes”. In fact, just for fun, he looked back to my cycle 4 years ago – the one that resulted in the birth of my daughter – and we discovered that she was also an early blast graded BC. Maybe my crappy looking embryos fair better than my high quality ones. Okay, I’m grasping at straws here. I was 36 back then and I’m 40 now, so the chance that this little BC is healthy is lower. But still – it’s a chance.

My RE recommended using what we have and doing a frozen embryo transfer (FET). Using what we have includes a little frozen PGS “abnormal” girl too. Yes, you heard that right. My RE is recommending that I transfer a PGS abnormal embryo. But first a few points to clarify. We did not do Next Generation Sequencing (NGS) so the results are either normal or abnormal – all mosaics are labeled as abnormal. Knowing what I know now, I would have tested using NGS so that the results would have specified whether the embryo was mosaic and the percentage of mosaicism. But I digress. In any event, I have a lot of respect for my RE (and his knowledge base) because he isn’t quick to dismiss all abnormal embryos. He took a close look at the details of the results and saw that this particular “abnormal” embryo only has a tiny segment of duplication on the short arm of chromosome 17. He said that a small percentage of the population may be walking around with similar minor abnormalities  and no one knows it because we never tested for that sort of thing before. This particular partial duplication will not lead to the birth of a child with an abnormality. Maybe my embryo will even have a superpower. Okay, that’s probably not true but I’d like to think so. The embryo may not implant or might be an early miscarriage (no different than what happens with so many pregnancies both IVF and unassisted) or the embryo could develop into a healthy baby. Both of these embryos are long shots simply due to my age-related quality issues, but it’s a chance. So the plan is to transfer both for my upcoming FET.

Going into this consultation I was prepared for the FET recommendation. I was also prepared to call it quits afterward if the FET fails. Over these last several weeks I’ve come to a place where I’m at peace with not having another child. I never thought I’d say that. And I’ll write specifically about how I shifted to that mindset in a later post. For now though, my RE convinced me to try one more egg retrieval and fresh transfer if this FET ends in another negative beta. My husband and daughter are both strongly rooting for another child, and my husband was also hoping to do one more fresh transfer.

My RE told me about some studies that followed women over the course of up to 12 (gasp) complete IVF egg retrieval and transfer cycles. The studies found that the chance for success increased over the course of 3 cycles, but plateaued after that. Meaning that after 3 complete cycles, the results don’t often change much. It should be noted that multiple FETs with eggs collected during the same retrieval only count once – that is, you can do several FETs and that doesn’t count against the 3 cycle benchmark. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, but when weighing the pros and cons of when I want to stop, I’m not going to keep doing this forever in the hopes of breaking the odds. Taking all of my cycles together and the particulars of my results, my RE said that if it were he and his wife, he would do one more IVF and fresh transfer after the FET. He said if we do that and still it fails, then I can feel confident that I didn’t leave anything on the table. No looking back and wondering. No regrets.

I like the sound of that. It makes sense. I think with the “break” of doing a FET first – since there’s so much less prep work for a FET – I can muster up the strength for one more IVF cycle. I don’t want to look back one day and wonder, “what if”. This plan seems like it will satisfactorily exhaust our options with my eggs. And if the journey ends there, I’m okay with that.

On a side note, I want to mention that I mustered up the courage to ask the scary question I had been avoiding. The “does repeated rounds of IVF cause cancer” question. My RE gave me a confident “no” and explained that the hormones used for this are naturally occurring in the body so the body knows how to process them. It doesn’t cause cancer. When I asked specifically about estrogen-sensitive cancers, he explained that again the answer is that IVF will not cause them. Prolonged estrogen can cause estrogen-sensitive cancers to grow (get bigger) but will not cause them. But he specified that it really does have to be prolonged exposure – the short bursts we use for IVF isn’t considered prolonged even when we do it multiple times. So I’m putting that fear to bed and thankfully moving on.

Beta Day

22 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by in IVF #6 with Fresh 3-day Transfer

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There’s never an easy way to do this. Yesterday was beta day. Simply the thought of waiting all day for the nurse to call with the results made my stomach turn. In the past, I’ve done it different ways – testing early at home, waiting for the call. But this time I decided to try a new method. I waited until after my beta – because I wouldn’t want to go get the blood draw if I already knew it was negative – and then used a home pregnancy test (hpt) after the beta rather than waiting for the call. Of course, I saved first morning urine for this to be sure I did it “right”. But the key to this method was having my friend come over to take the test with me. My husband was already at work, and although he is wonderfully supportive, I really wanted my girlfriend there. My poor husband is understandably emotional about this and I needed someone who could just be there for me.

So that’s how I did it. When the 3 minutes were up, I sat on my bed and my friend hurried into the bathroom to look at my test. I could see her from where I was sitting. I pictured this a million times – she was supposed to start screaming and jumping up and down. Instead she bent over to look closer. And I knew – it was negative. She turned with concern in her eyes and said, “I’m sorry”.

Afterwards, we hugged, cried, vented, got angry, and even laughed. As much as it hurt, it was the gentlest experience of bad news I’ve ever had. After hours of talking, we went out to lunch where we enjoyed strawberry martinis and cheesecake. Oh and there was actual food in there somewhere too, but who really cares about that when you have strawberry martinis and cheesecake?

At 3 o’clock in the afternoon, the nurse finally called to deliver my beta results. The first thing she said, in a nervous tone, was “are you sitting down?” And I rolled my eyes with irritation. I don’t know why – she is a nice nurse – but I can’t tell you how glad I am that I got the news on my own terms and didn’t wait for this call.

I’ve been instructed to start birth control pills again on the second day of my cycle, which will be tomorrow. I will meet with my RE on April 9th to discuss options. The nurse said, “we have many options – even a good donor embryo program.” I informed her that we are only interested in using my eggs, so when that option is exhausted we will be done. It’s such a personal decision – when to stop, whether to use donor eggs or embryos, etc. Somehow, having our daughter already has made us not interested in donors. Although I completely understand why others would take that option for their first and/or additional babies. It’s just not the right fit for us.

The wait to the 9th is going to be long, as all the waits are. I want to find out if my RE thinks it is worth it to try another IVF with a 3-day transfer – if there is still hope. But I do want to be realistic. I’m also concerned about the potential long term affects doing 7 rounds of IVF could have on my health. Is there an increased risk of cancer? I don’t know. The few studies I’ve come across have found either no increased risk or a teeny tiny increased risk. But I don’t know if the results would be different for multiple rounds of IVF. So I need to find out more about this. If the risks are low and there is still a reasonable chance for  success then I will do one more round. If not, then we will pull out our last ditch effort – transferring our pgs “abnormal” embryo that only has one partial deletion on one chromosome. The lab that did our PGS didn’t use next generation sequencing, so we have no way of knowing if this “abnormal” is really a mosaic – or the degree of mosaicism. Since many mosaic embryos do self-correct, that is an important distinction. And we just don’t know with this one. My RE said that based on the results for this embryo, it would either fail to implant, be an early miscarriage, or correct and be a healthy baby. He said it would not result in a child with a health problem or disability. So that will be our very last option. I won’t leave that embryo behind – wouldn’t it be crazy if, after all of this, that “abnormal” embryo was the one that made a baby! I do realize that is a very long shot though.

So that’s my plan for now, and we’ll make the final decision after my consultation. It’s hard to think about having no baby after all of this. I am ever grateful that my first IVF brought us a healthy daughter. I hold onto that. It will still be hard to let go of the dream of expanding our family.

I’m dreading starting birth control pills tomorrow. They make me irritable and negatively impact how I see my life. All these hormones lead to nasty mood swings. I discussed this fear with my friend yesterday and it was good to get it off my chest. It really impacts my ability to enjoy my time with my husband and daughter – and that scares me. I don’t want to waste any of the treasured time I have with my little miracle, and sometimes when these hormones rage, I feel like I’m not fully present or happy. That’s a major reason why I don’t want to keep doing cycles for too much longer. But my friend and I made a pact. I’m going to text or call her and say all the dark, angry things I might be feeling – and she is going to remind me that it’s just the hormones. It’s not how I really feel when I’m my real self. And I need to hear that to help me push past it – because it can feel so dark and real at times. Having a good friend to help you through this roller coaster is so precious.

Mindful Strategies for Coping During the Two Week Wait

15 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by in IVF #6 with Fresh 3-day Transfer, Uncategorized

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How does one make it through the two week wait (TWW) without loosing one’s mind?

It’s a good question. It’s a rough time, often filled with anxiety, hope, fear, joy, anticipation, daydreaming, crying, excitement, etc. It’s all the intensity and contradictions of this roller coaster ride packed into two short weeks. Or less. It’s hard to maintain calm for the duration of what may seem like to others as a little blip on the calendar, but to us seems like dog years. Take me, for example. I’m trying to maintain hope and optimism. Yep I’m trying my best, but sometimes that little bit of fear or anxiety creeps in. Or sometimes it’s just neutrality.

Daily someone who loves me is asking me how I’m feeling. I know this is code for: “do you feel pregnant?” I smile and say, “I’m fine.” But I feel like the pressure is on. Not that they mean to make me feel pressured. Maybe I put that on myself. Everyone wants this to work. Of course we do.

Having gone through more TTW’s than I can remember, I’ve come to the conclusion that the most dangerous thing you can do during the TTW is symptom spotting, which that “how are you feeling?” question feeds into. Symptom spotting is basically the enemy of every women in their TWW. We tend to obsess over every little twinge or difference in our bodies. “My breasts feel more tender,” I think to myself.  Although that could be due to how much I’m squeezing them to check for breast tenderness.

But the reality is that all those “early pregnancy symptoms” can also be explained by the high levels of hormones pumping through our bodies. And to complicate matters even worse, many early pregnancy symptoms look an awful lot like what happens as Aunt Flow approaches. During my TWW during IVF #1, I was absolutely certain it had failed. I started getting a hint of a nagging heading slowing building up steam – exactly what always happens just days before my period starts. I thought I was out. I was so sure it was a negative that I typed out a list of questions to ask my RE at our follow-up “WTF appointment” (you know, the appointment you have after a failed cycle to discuss what went wrong). Literally 30 minutes after clicking save, my nurse called with my positive Beta results. Compare this to IVF/FET #2 where I was certain it worked – I felt tired, queasy, I felt what I thought was implantation cramping, sore breasts – and the Beta was negative. That was when I learned the hard way just how much progesterone can play with your mind, body, and heart.

In an effort to get through this TWW without symptoms spotting and maintain as much hope and receptivity as I can, I’m trying a different strategy. I’ve been using 2 tools daily to help keep my spirits up.

First, I’m doing a combination of deep breathing, affirmations, and meditation with the aid of a counting ritual tool. This tool can be a Witches Ladder, Prayer Beads, or simply a bowl of stones or other small items. The Witches Ladder I use is a beautiful string of crystal beads in 3 sets of 9 beads. Each set is a different type of stone, which represents certain characteristics. I created an affirmation for each set of stones. I start at the beginning and hold each bead between my fingers, take a deep breath and state my affirmation, then repeat for each bead in that section. As I proceed mindfully, slowly through each individual bead, my mind is calmed and my focus strengthened. I find this really calming when I start to feel that bit of doubt or anxiety creep into my mind. Also, doing it before I even begin to feel worried helps me prevent it and maintain a more positive sense of being.

Photo and Witches Ladder by Etsy shop Esmeralda Holly

Above is a photo of what I used, and here is a description of the stones and my affirmations. Starting at the antler (both the antler and acorns are also fertility symbols):

  • Aventurine  = luck, creativity, heart chakra, confidence
    • “The odds are in my favor”
  • Tree agate = stability and nurturing protection, weathering the storm, putting down spiritual roots
    • “I am rooted in the earth, nurtured, I can do this” 
  • Moss agate = creating abundance, fertility, new beginnings, the spirit of nature
    • “Abundance flows through me and fills me, I am fertile” 

The second strategy I’m using is drawing a daily “mantra,” or focus, using a Mini Moon Oracle set; but you could use any oracle or affirmation deck that resonates with you. I love the simplicity of the Mini Moon Oracle set, which I downloaded for free from Spirit de la Lune, because it’s just one word that doesn’t need any other interpretive guidebook to understand. Each morning, I take a few deep breaths, ask the Universe for a focus that will benefit me that day, and draw a mini moon from my bag. Throughout that day I mentally come back to the word and see how I can fit it in to support my well-being. As an example, I recently picked “Flow”. As my day progressed and at times got chaotic, I reminded myself to just flow with it, not fight with it. Things that would usually get under my skin were let go as I reminded myself of the bigger picture. The following day I ironically picked “Ebb,” so I carved out time that day to withdrawal into myself in healthy ways to engage in self care.  Each day, these guiding words have been helpful in different ways.

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These strategies may not change the outcome of my cycle, but at least I’m finding this TWW a bit more tolerable than ones in the past.

To women going through infertility…

22 Thursday Feb 2018

Posted by in IVF #6 with Fresh 3-day Transfer, Uncategorized

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I feel the need to send some support out there to all the women struggling with infertility. To those women who have ever felt that they were drowning in infertility treatments, like their life was one never ending IVF cycle. Those who think about getting pregnant all the time, stare at home pregnancy tests squinting to see lines, and consume so many supplements they can’t even fit into one of those weekly pill containers.  I want you to know, you are not alone. You are not crazy. And you are not broken.

I was recently telling someone about what it’s like going through infertility treatments. In my defense he caught me on a rough day, but nevertheless I ended up sounding like a crazy person. When you spend years battling infertility, having multiple surgeries, treatments galore, and are in the middle of your 6th round of IVF, you look back and realize you’ve done a lot of crazy shit in the name of procreation. It becomes all consuming.

On that particular day, I confessed that while I would prefer a coffee, I was sitting there drinking tea that tasted like dirt because it was high in antioxidants, which is good for my eggs, and the other herbs in it are uterine tonics. Since it was my day off, I was planning on going for a long walk on my favorite trail to help improve blood flow to my uterus. Then I planned on taking a bubble bath, which I find soothing, but it also helps increase circulation which is good for my ovaries and uterus. Later that weekend, I’d be going to my friend’s house for her birthday and celebrating with one glass of wine. While I’d love to have more, I won’t because, you know, egg quality. But having just that one is okay, according to my RE, because it dilates blood vessels thus increasing blood flow to my uterus. The man I was talking with looked at me like I was an alien.

I’ll confess, this man is my therapist. I decided to go see someone after my last IVF cycle ended in 2 PGS abnormal embryos and no transfer. I was devastated, my husband was devastated, and I felt like I was exhausting my coping skills. I wanted someone to talk to that wasn’t my husband or one of my fertile friends. Someone I could say all of the dark things to who wouldn’t judge me. So yes, I’m a psychologist seeing a psychologist, and that feels a bit weird to me. I know it is the healthy choice and many therapist need therapy from time to time, but I’m like one of those doctors who avoids going to the doctor. I knew I needed to go though, after I started snapping at my loved ones. That’s not who I am or who I want to be. Infertility is HARD and we need support.

So there I was, sitting with a man who is really being kind and supportive, but I can tell he thinks I’m being excessively obsessive. And I completely am. But that is also completely normal when you are going through infertility. It happens to most of us, maybe even all of us who are at this long enough. It’s normal to want to do every little thing you can to try to improve your chances when the stakes are this high. When you are putting your body, heart, finances, and soul through so much. If medicine advanced to the point where our RE’s could tell us that “x, y, and z” will give you that positive pregnancy test, so don’t bother doing all the other silly things you read about – well, we’d all jump on board and do those things and get our babies. But that’s not the way it works. Even when we have every piece lined up, we still end up with failed transfers and negative tests. Science simply cannot control human reproduction – it’s too complex, too fragile, and possibly too magical.

So as long as our doctors can’t guarantee that treatments will work, as long as multiple women do the same thing but have different results, as long as things remain “unexplained,” we will always do our best to shift the odds in our favor. Whether that be this supplement or that, yoga, meditation, affirmations, tapping, castor oil packs, one more diagnostic test, exploratory surgery, the keto diet, the paleo diet, cutting out sugar, coffee, and alcohol, juicing, prayer, intentions,  pleading and bargaining, or standing on your right foot for five hours every full moon (okay I’m making up that last one) – we will try it.

And we will not be alone. We are not crazy. We are not broken. 

PGS Results: Sad News

23 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in IVF #5

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Another blow. I got my PGS results today and both embryos are abnormal. My heart broke when I heard the tone of the nurse’s voice as she said, “I have your results…” It was easy to tell what she was going to say next. I don’t know the details yet about what is wrong with them, but I’ll have a consult with my RE next week to go over everything. For the first time I’m feeling truly hopeless in this process. I’m wondering if it is time to quit. I’m scared I’m damaging my body with all these medications. I’m worried about getting cancer. I’m worried about how much more I can take emotionally. I feel like I’m missing out on my daughter’s life, at least a bit, because I’m so wrapped up in infertility treatment and the emotional mood swings.

I’m wondering what my chances really are at age 40? I know it works for some women, but how many does it not work for?

There are so many emotions that go with this. Right now I’m vacillating between anger, numbness, and hopelessness. That’s not a good place to be in. I’m the type of person that likes to have a plan. A direction. I like to be in control, or at least have the illusion of control, yet this whole process feels so out of control. Waiting is maddening. And now I’m waiting a week for my consult with my RE to discuss my case and options for moving forward.

How do you know when it’s time to give up on a dream? When you read IVF support groups you see so many people saying, “don’t give up!” But is that really the best advice? Is that reality? I don’t think so. And that’s one of the hardest parts of infertility. You have to make hard decisions without the aid of a crystal ball. If I knew doing one more IVF would bring me a baby then absolutely I would do it. But I don’t know that. What if one more round brings me cancer or depression instead? These are the hard decisions.

I’m not sure where I am right now. Stopping and saying good-bye to my hopes of a second child, of making my daughter a sibling that she so very much wants to be – I’m not sure I’m ready for that. But I’m scared of doing another round of this.

I have a lot of questions for my RE. I keep questioning whether PGS testing is the best way to go. Some women, especially those who have a hard time getting blasts, do 3-day transfers under the idea that the body is a better environment for the developing embryo than the lab. Maybe that’s the way to go, or maybe I’m just fooling myself. Maybe at age 40 my eggs are simply not good enough. Yes, I have a lot to discuss with my RE and much to think about. I just don’t know that there’s any right answer. That scares me.

Waiting by the phone

11 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in IVF #5

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waiting 2It would be easy to think that the waiting periods would get easier after you’ve done this for a while. Like you’ve gotten good at it. But I’m finding that it seems to be getting worse as time goes on. In the beginning of this second IVF journey, I was optimistic and expected good results. After all, I had success with IVF in the past. But the longer this process goes on for, the more IVFs I’ve had, the more negative experiences I accumulate. After all, if I was getting lots of good news then we wouldn’t still be at this. So every time I have to wait for news – fertilization reports, 5-day progress reports, PGS results, beta results – my brain automatically pulls up all of the experiences and outcomes from my past waiting periods. It’s starting to feel overwhelming.

Yesterday it really hit me. I had been doing fine up until that point and feeling optimistic, but the day before my 5-day progress report (which my clinic doesn’t give until day 6, ugh), I started to recall my last 2 IVF cycles where none of my embryos made it to blast. Those conversations I had with the nurse when she told me rolled through my head on a loop. They even triggered other bad news conversations, like when my nurse called with my negative beta result. I dug into my bag of healthy coping skills and pulled out everything I could. I went for a walk, attended a yoga class, talked to supportive friends, made rational responses to the negative thoughts in my head, reminded myself of my inner strength, took deep breaths, prayed, cleaned the kitchen, drank a glass of wine (hey, red wine is kinda healthy).

And I made it. After waiting half the day today, my nurse finally called. Two of my 7 embryos made it to day 5 blastocysts and were of good enough quality to biopsy. They were hoping another would make it on day 6, but it ended up dying. The others didn’t last as long. So there it is. I have 2 going into PGS testing.

I’m grateful to have these 2 little embryos. Really. None of my embryos made it to blast in my last two rounds of IVF. So this is great. But I’m still really scared. I know that the rates of abnormal embryos are high for my age group. What are the chances that either of these 2 embryos are normal? Not good based on the statistics. But that’s the thing with statistics – they tell you the averages, the probabilities, but don’t actually tell you anything about you. I’m going to try my best to keep the faith and hold onto hope. We leave tomorrow to go on vacation and visit my family out of state, and I’m so thankful for that. It will be a good distraction to help me get through at least half of the waiting period for our PGS results. These are going to be a long 7 to 10 business days…