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The Not So Fertile Goddess

~ and here we go again…

The Not So Fertile Goddess

Category Archives: Life After IVF

Life After IVF: 1 year after birth

13 Monday Jan 2020

Posted by thenotsofertilegoddess in Life After IVF

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Infertility, IVF, Recovery, secondary infertility

My second, and last, IVF baby turns one year old this week. And I’m feeling all the feels. It’s been a whirlwind of diaper changes, marathon nursing sessions, little sleep, cries, smiles, and firsts. I stare at my baby and my heart overflows with love. And as most say, I can’t believe it’s already been a year. Where has the time gone?

For once, my time has not gone to injections, doctor appointments, acupuncture sessions, or healing from surgeries and egg retrievals. Not once have I researched fertility supplements, ERA test implications,  methods for managing inflammation, or the merits and risks of PGS testing. I have not ordered, mixed, or recycled any medications or related paraphernalia. I have not lost sleep, nor daytime hours, to the all-consuming anxiety of pinning over the welfare of my embryos. I have not missed or rescheduled work meetings, or pretended that I knew what someone was saying when my mind was so very far away. I have not touched a pregnancy test.

My stomach and rear are free from bruises. My mornings do not involve intimate moments with an ultrasound wand and paper sheet. When I cry,  it’s from feeling overwhelmed in the moment – not from feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest once again. I think there are even whole days that go by where I don’t think about IVF even once.

How strange this is, given how much IVF used to consume my entire being?

So while I navigate being a mom of two littles, I’m also forging a new me. I know how lucky I am to be on the other side of IVF with two healthy daughters. So many don’t get here and my heart aches for them. Still, there is no denying how much my experience with infertility has changed me. I know I’m not the same person who decided to start trying for a baby nine years ago. And sure, who really is the same that they were almost a decade ago, infertility or not? But infertility took a spontaneous, fun-loving, spirited, energetic, somewhat naïve, newly minted Ph.D. graduate and changed the course of her path 180 degrees.

Now, I am more calculating, cautious, introverted, and serious. I have fewer friends. I miss parts of me that I’ve lost along the way, the parts that used to laugh more. I’m also braver, stronger, and a better advocate for myself. I know more about reproduction and the conditions that impact fertility than I ever thought I would. Likely more than my OB/GYN. I know I can handle more than I ever thought I could. I can ask for help, and I can help myself.

While the trauma of infertility is dulled now, having left most of it in the past, a touch of it lingers on. It will always be a part of who I am now. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Again, I know I’m one of the lucky ones that found the golden egg. Twice. And that also colors my perspective. So for me, I will always identify as “infertile with kids,” which I know will sound strange to many. But to those of us who have walked this path, we understand.

Happy birthday little one, from your Mom who loves you with her whole heart.

 

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Age and Fertility

08 Thursday Aug 2019

Posted by thenotsofertilegoddess in Life After IVF, Uncategorized

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Tags

Age, Education, Fertility, Infertility, IVF

clear glass with red sand grainer

I was wasting some time awaiting a work meeting by perusing Facebook. I came across a post that I’ve seen in some variant countless times before. A woman asking about her fertility prospects based on age. Usually these post are in various infertility-related groups, but this one was in a mom group. The poster was asking what her chances were to get pregnant again naturally. She conceived her first without troubles, but is now 35 and feels like her biological clock is ticking. This question prompted a cascade of responses along the lines of “I got pregnant with no problems at age [something over 35].”

Well isn’t that nice. All the fertile myrtles giving “don’t worry about it” advice.

Now I could have kept scrolling,  but I just couldn’t resist. Because this irks me.

Obviously you’re going to get some pretty wildly different answers depending on the audience – you ask a mom group about getting pregnant and the answers will be rather different that what you find in an infertility group. But sampling bias aside, I’m bothered by the facts, or lack thereof, being doled out.

Because the thing is: age affects egg quality.

Regardless of how many celebrities over 40 are having babies. Regardless of how old your grandma was when she conceived your mom. Regardless of how healthy we are, how many miles we run, how clean we eat…fertility still declines with age.

Now that’s not to say that our lifestyles don’t matter. Our choices obviously impact our health and can work for or against us. But even the healthiest among us have aging ovaries, and this affects the quality of our eggs. On average, infertility begins a slow but significant decent around age 35 and take a steep hit around 40. Here’s another resource to help you be informed.

Yes, fertility declines with age. And we can’t escape it.

We do need to be educated about it. We need to be able to make informed decision about our fertility. We need to talk about the facts.

My niece is considering going to medical school. She’s in high school now and certainly things may change. But I was talking to my sister about it and brought up the fact that there’s a new trend in med school now where women are taking some fertility preservation means, like egg freezing. They’re doing this because med school, residency, and early careers tend to consume your most fertile years. My sister looked at me like I was talking crazy. She never considered the future of her daughter’s fertility, and has certainly never talked to her about it.

I’m no stranger to this concept, having spent my more fertile years as a doctoral student. While some of my infertility issues were not age related, age did become a major contributing factor and was the prime reason I endured so many rounds of IVF the second time around. I wish I would have known this way back when. Maybe I would have gone to the reproductive endocrinologist sooner rather than later. But hindsight, you know.

So there I was, staring at the computer screen, scrolling through all the “don’t worry about it” responses to that woman’s post. And I had to do it. I had to share the data. Not to scare or worry, but to inform. And so, among a long string of Polly Anna responses,  was my truthful response. Maybe someone noticed.

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Life After IVF

26 Wednesday Jun 2019

Posted by thenotsofertilegoddess in Life After IVF

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Coping, Infertility, mental health, Post-IVF, Stess

art blur bright burn

Am I stuck in low-grade reaction mode?

I was reading a post recently by herbalist extraordinaire Maria Toll titled, “Reaction Mode, Yikes! Sit, Sip, Breathe.” She explains that in our fast paced modern life, where we operate under a multitude of pressures, it’s easy for our bodies to get stuck in a low-grade reaction mode. This reaction mode stems from the hard-wired fight-or-flight response (or more accurately called the fight-flight-or freeze response) controlled by our sympathetic nervous system. Basically, this response is how our bodies are built to react to significant stressors.  Like a lion attack. This nervous system response allows our bodies to shut down “unnecessary” functions and respond to the immediate threat in front of us. It’s what helped our ancestors survive.

It’s what helps us survive modern day traumas too, like rape, war, car crashes, fires. Like IVF. Because IVF and pregnancy loss are traumatic. This flight-fright-or freeze response helps us get through the pain as best as we can in the heat of it all. But what happens when the traumatic event isn’t an isolated incident? What happens when we deal with this stress day in and day out, for years?  That kind of prolonged stress response has a big impact on our bodies and emotions.

Now I’m on the other side of infertility. I have two daughters that are IVF miracles. I’m done. No more baby making for me. No. More. IVF. EVER. I’m lucky I made it to the other side. I exhale and think that everything is fine. Finally.

But as I was reading Ms. Toll’s post, I began to think…what if I am still stuck in low-grade reaction mode? As a psychologist, I know that that kind of prolonged stress does not simply vanish when you remove the person from the stressor. On the most severe end of the spectrum, people can develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from their battle with infertility. Others may become depressed, anxious, or have other reactions. It changes us. We all walk away from IVF with a unique reaction, shaped in part by our own stories, outcomes, support system, and experiences. But without a doubt, all of us have been living under the pressure of isolating, heart-wrenching prolonged stress.

I still catch myself holding my breath. Tense and waiting for what will come. I’m still trying to find my way back to myself. I find my moments of calm – when I’m nursing my perfect baby and it’s just the two of us, when I light a candle and sip tea, when I walk barefoot in the grass, when I listen to the birds as I stroll my baby. These moments give my body a break from the tension that seems to hide in the background. In those moments I breathe deeply and exhale.

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Recent Posts

  • Building a Village
  • Life After IVF: 1 year after birth
  • Fact or Fiction: The Truth About Getting Pregnant in Your 40’s and Beyond
  • Age and Fertility
  • Life After IVF

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