Category Archives: IVF #5

PGS Results: Sad News

23 Tuesday Jan 2018

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Another blow. I got my PGS results today and both embryos are abnormal. My heart broke when I heard the tone of the nurse’s voice as she said, “I have your results…” It was easy to tell what she was going to say next. I don’t know the details yet about what is wrong with them, but I’ll have a consult with my RE next week to go over everything. For the first time I’m feeling truly hopeless in this process. I’m wondering if it is time to quit. I’m scared I’m damaging my body with all these medications. I’m worried about getting cancer. I’m worried about how much more I can take emotionally. I feel like I’m missing out on my daughter’s life, at least a bit, because I’m so wrapped up in infertility treatment and the emotional mood swings.

I’m wondering what my chances really are at age 40? I know it works for some women, but how many does it not work for?

There are so many emotions that go with this. Right now I’m vacillating between anger, numbness, and hopelessness. That’s not a good place to be in. I’m the type of person that likes to have a plan. A direction. I like to be in control, or at least have the illusion of control, yet this whole process feels so out of control. Waiting is maddening. And now I’m waiting a week for my consult with my RE to discuss my case and options for moving forward.

How do you know when it’s time to give up on a dream? When you read IVF support groups you see so many people saying, “don’t give up!” But is that really the best advice? Is that reality? I don’t think so. And that’s one of the hardest parts of infertility. You have to make hard decisions without the aid of a crystal ball. If I knew doing one more IVF would bring me a baby then absolutely I would do it. But I don’t know that. What if one more round brings me cancer or depression instead? These are the hard decisions.

I’m not sure where I am right now. Stopping and saying good-bye to my hopes of a second child, of making my daughter a sibling that she so very much wants to be – I’m not sure I’m ready for that. But I’m scared of doing another round of this.

I have a lot of questions for my RE. I keep questioning whether PGS testing is the best way to go. Some women, especially those who have a hard time getting blasts, do 3-day transfers under the idea that the body is a better environment for the developing embryo than the lab. Maybe that’s the way to go, or maybe I’m just fooling myself. Maybe at age 40 my eggs are simply not good enough. Yes, I have a lot to discuss with my RE and much to think about. I just don’t know that there’s any right answer. That scares me.

Waiting by the phone

11 Thursday Jan 2018

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waiting 2It would be easy to think that the waiting periods would get easier after you’ve done this for a while. Like you’ve gotten good at it. But I’m finding that it seems to be getting worse as time goes on. In the beginning of this second IVF journey, I was optimistic and expected good results. After all, I had success with IVF in the past. But the longer this process goes on for, the more IVFs I’ve had, the more negative experiences I accumulate. After all, if I was getting lots of good news then we wouldn’t still be at this. So every time I have to wait for news – fertilization reports, 5-day progress reports, PGS results, beta results – my brain automatically pulls up all of the experiences and outcomes from my past waiting periods. It’s starting to feel overwhelming.

Yesterday it really hit me. I had been doing fine up until that point and feeling optimistic, but the day before my 5-day progress report (which my clinic doesn’t give until day 6, ugh), I started to recall my last 2 IVF cycles where none of my embryos made it to blast. Those conversations I had with the nurse when she told me rolled through my head on a loop. They even triggered other bad news conversations, like when my nurse called with my negative beta result. I dug into my bag of healthy coping skills and pulled out everything I could. I went for a walk, attended a yoga class, talked to supportive friends, made rational responses to the negative thoughts in my head, reminded myself of my inner strength, took deep breaths, prayed, cleaned the kitchen, drank a glass of wine (hey, red wine is kinda healthy).

And I made it. After waiting half the day today, my nurse finally called. Two of my 7 embryos made it to day 5 blastocysts and were of good enough quality to biopsy. They were hoping another would make it on day 6, but it ended up dying. The others didn’t last as long. So there it is. I have 2 going into PGS testing.

I’m grateful to have these 2 little embryos. Really. None of my embryos made it to blast in my last two rounds of IVF. So this is great. But I’m still really scared. I know that the rates of abnormal embryos are high for my age group. What are the chances that either of these 2 embryos are normal? Not good based on the statistics. But that’s the thing with statistics – they tell you the averages, the probabilities, but don’t actually tell you anything about you. I’m going to try my best to keep the faith and hold onto hope. We leave tomorrow to go on vacation and visit my family out of state, and I’m so thankful for that. It will be a good distraction to help me get through at least half of the waiting period for our PGS results. These are going to be a long 7 to 10 business days…

Another Egg Retrieval & Surprising Results

08 Monday Jan 2018

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Another egg retrieval down. My husband and I arrived bright and early at 7:30 am last Friday for the procedure. As per protocol, I had to give a urine sample. When they buzzed me into the back I saw my favorite anesthesiologist was there and shouted a welcome down the hall. The fact that I’ve been through enough infertility procedures to actually have a “favorite anesthesiologist” I find almost comical. Almost.  But it was great to know that I would be well taken care of, and as always, my RE and the nurses made me laugh and feel comfortable. The retrieval went well. We got 8 eggs, 6 of which were mature and they were going to try to mature the other 2 in the lab. Yep, that’s a thing. My RE was really pleased, and so was I.

That happy post-egg retrieval feeling typically only lasts one day until I get the fertilization report. Unfortunately, my fertilization rate has been really poor since beginning this process this time around. The best we’ve ever gotten was a 50% fertilization rate, which doesn’t leave you with many eggs when you begin with so few. This is a huge difference from my 100% fertilization rate at age 36. When the call came it was the embryologist on the phone. That was a huge surprise. He has never called me over the course of 5 egg retrievals. I paused and expected the worst. Was he calling because none had fertilized and he wanted to give me an explanation?

He told me that 7 ended up being mature…and all 7 fertilized! Wait, what?? I was shocked. I literally couldn’t believe it. He was very pleased and I cried. This means that this batch of eggs is of better quality than what we had been getting. In previous rounds, the eggs had a tendency of immediately dying when the sperm was injected, which is a sure sign of poor egg quality. Now I know we are far from being out of the woods. We still need to get some of these embryos to make it all the was to blastocyst. And since we are doing PGS testing, we will need to see if any come back normal, which is always a nerve wracking prospect since the results are based on a small sample of cells and there could be error. So there are many hurdles yet to pass. But this is a big win and sets us up for a fighting chance.

I am so beyond thankful for this chance. This is truly a synergy of science and miracles at its finest. Did we find the golden egg? We shall see, but I am hopeful. And now another wait begins.

The DHEA Debacle

04 Thursday Jan 2018

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DHEA. It’s that supplement that’s often touted as a magical egg quality enhancer, and it seems there’s some good research to back that up. That doesn’t mean it’s good for everybody, and I’ve learned that the hard way.

I first read about DHEA in the book, “It Starts with the Egg,” which is a great book for women who are looking to improve egg quality and enhance fertility. Like every good student, I diligently read every word. Still, I was uncertain about DHEA as I knew it impacted hormones. My doubt was quickly set aside when my RE recommended I take it, along with a laundry list of other supplements, to help improve my egg quality when I first went back to him to begin the IVF process again at age 39 (and 8 months). I assumed that because my RE told me to take it that I should. Not really my smartest move. The problem is that my RE never tested my testosterone, which DHEA can increase.

I didn’t think much about it during my first IVF for baby #2. We got a PGS normal embryo and I thought all was well. After the FET failed we went right into another egg retrieval. When that one was a bust – resulting in zero blastocysts – I began wondering about my testosterone level. At the consultation to prepare for yet another egg retrieval I asked my RE about testing my level and he said we could. Then, unexpectedly, we changed protocols and started stimulation meds that same day. So there wasn’t any time for testing. During a monitoring appointment I asked the physician assistant who was doing my ultrasound if we could get that test done, and she said that it wouldn’t be good to do mid-stim cycle because my hormones would be all over the place. After that one failed too, I brought up the topic again with my RE. That time we had time to test as I waited for my period to start. I got the results on cycle day 1, which was also the day I began my meds for this current round of IVF.

When the results came back they were high. My intuition was correct. Honestly, I was irritated that they never bothered to test this before and I regret not testing it from the very beginning. The RE instructed me to stop DHEA cold turkey that day. I was told that high testosterone “could” suppress follicle growth and “possibly” negatively impact egg quality, though there aren’t definitive answers on this. He also said that my testosterone level would drop back to normal quickly, so that by the following week when my follicles are doing the majority of their growth, there won’t be a negative impact. What I didn’t ask was, “is the damage to my egg quality already done?” I’m thinking that since eggs take about 3 months to mature, it might not have been good that for the majority of those 3 months my testosterone was high. But I don’t know what, if any, impact testosterone could have at that early stage. I’ll hold that question for the next consultation if it comes to that.

I decided not to worry about this as I’m going forward with the cycle anyway, since the potential impact is really an unknown. There’s nothing I can do about it now. I’m hoping that I stopped in time to mitigate any significant harmful effect, and keeping my fingers crossed for finding that golden egg.

Tonight is my trigger shot for a retrieval on Friday morning. We are expecting about 7 eggs based on my follicle count and size. I feel like an old pro at this egg retrieval thing, but I hope this can be my last one.

Starting the New Year with More IVF

29 Friday Dec 2017

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I had a reminder about self-care the other day, and to be honest, my self-care has been slipping. The stress of multiple back to back IVF’s has been taking it’s toll. I found myself escaping into day dreams, which can be helpful at times to cope with the vast hardships that this process brings. But it can also make you miss the pleasures and moments that are right in front of you. I’ve felt disconnected, withdrawn, absent. With the long dark nights brought by a cold winter, I’m reluctant to go outside. Stagnation set in. Knowing that this isn’t the place in which I want to be, I’ve searched for a guiding light in the darkness.

In many circles, as the New Year approaches, I’ve encountered the idea of selecting a “word of the year”. This isn’t a new concept, but one that I much prefer to resolutions that are often forgotten and sometimes forced. The word of the year is meant to be an intention. A focal point that can help guide actions throughout the year. I’ve never used one before, but felt particularly drawn to try it this year. As I though of what my word might be – what intention I wanted to send out to the universe – I became stuck. I found it hard to find something that wasn’t directly related to an infertility outcome. Some words seemed to fit with how I would feel if IVF were successful: transformation, trust, faith, enjoy, connection, becoming, thankful. Other words reflected qualities I would need to carry me through IVF failures and the end of my journey toward a second child:  strength, endurance, courage, overcome, emerge, live. None felt right. I didn’t want to pick a word that reminded me of either outcome. I wanted something that was just me.

So what if I took infertility outcomes out of the picture? Could I find a word that embodies who I want to be? On what I want to focus. Would that not help me stay true to myself no matter what the outcome may be? And then, when I least expected it, it finally came to me: Revitalization.

WOTY

My Word of the Year Goddess by Brigid’s Grove & DF Inspirations

After going through the pains of multiple rounds of IVF, I am in desperate need of revitalization. And at the core of revitalization, at least to me, sits physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual self-care. When you’re in a rut, it is so easy to stay there. Or even sink deeper. It’s easy to right off self-care by saying “it’s too late to help my eggs this cycle”. I can’t be the only person that’s felt like that. But it isn’t too late. And regardless of the outcome, I want to care for myself. I’m putting my body through so much stress and I want to give something back. And I want to live my life.

I’ve started making some changes in the spirit of revitalization, and going back to some of the things that I know are good for me. I’ve put on my big fluffy jacket and gone for walks in the cold; pulled out my paints and let some creativity flow; soaked in a warm bath (not hot of course for fear of creating hard boiled eggs – can that happen?) complete with salts, candles, and relaxing music; and took in big belly breaths, filling my blood with oxygen and releasing tension.

As I move forward this IVF cycle and beyond, I’m reminding myself to choice actions that revitalize me.  During infertility and IVF, so many choices get taken away from us, but choosing my actions is something that I can control. It might not always be easy, and sometimes I need to give myself a little leeway, but I am strong – this process has thought me that.