It would be easy to think that the waiting periods would get easier after you’ve done this for a while. Like you’ve gotten good at it. But I’m finding that it seems to be getting worse as time goes on. In the beginning of this second IVF journey, I was optimistic and expected good results. After all, I had success with IVF in the past. But the longer this process goes on for, the more IVFs I’ve had, the more negative experiences I accumulate. After all, if I was getting lots of good news then we wouldn’t still be at this. So every time I have to wait for news – fertilization reports, 5-day progress reports, PGS results, beta results – my brain automatically pulls up all of the experiences and outcomes from my past waiting periods. It’s starting to feel overwhelming.
Yesterday it really hit me. I had been doing fine up until that point and feeling optimistic, but the day before my 5-day progress report (which my clinic doesn’t give until day 6, ugh), I started to recall my last 2 IVF cycles where none of my embryos made it to blast. Those conversations I had with the nurse when she told me rolled through my head on a loop. They even triggered other bad news conversations, like when my nurse called with my negative beta result. I dug into my bag of healthy coping skills and pulled out everything I could. I went for a walk, attended a yoga class, talked to supportive friends, made rational responses to the negative thoughts in my head, reminded myself of my inner strength, took deep breaths, prayed, cleaned the kitchen, drank a glass of wine (hey, red wine is kinda healthy).
And I made it. After waiting half the day today, my nurse finally called. Two of my 7 embryos made it to day 5 blastocysts and were of good enough quality to biopsy. They were hoping another would make it on day 6, but it ended up dying. The others didn’t last as long. So there it is. I have 2 going into PGS testing.
I’m grateful to have these 2 little embryos. Really. None of my embryos made it to blast in my last two rounds of IVF. So this is great. But I’m still really scared. I know that the rates of abnormal embryos are high for my age group. What are the chances that either of these 2 embryos are normal? Not good based on the statistics. But that’s the thing with statistics – they tell you the averages, the probabilities, but don’t actually tell you anything about you. I’m going to try my best to keep the faith and hold onto hope. We leave tomorrow to go on vacation and visit my family out of state, and I’m so thankful for that. It will be a good distraction to help me get through at least half of the waiting period for our PGS results. These are going to be a long 7 to 10 business days…