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The Not So Fertile Goddess

~ and here we go again…

The Not So Fertile Goddess

Tag Archives: Two Week Wait

Mindful Strategies for Coping During the Two Week Wait

15 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by thenotsofertilegoddess in IVF #6 with Fresh 3-day Transfer, Uncategorized

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Coping, IVF, Mindfulness, Two Week Wait

How does one make it through the two week wait (TWW) without loosing one’s mind?

It’s a good question. It’s a rough time, often filled with anxiety, hope, fear, joy, anticipation, daydreaming, crying, excitement, etc. It’s all the intensity and contradictions of this roller coaster ride packed into two short weeks. Or less. It’s hard to maintain calm for the duration of what may seem like to others as a little blip on the calendar, but to us seems like dog years. Take me, for example. I’m trying to maintain hope and optimism. Yep I’m trying my best, but sometimes that little bit of fear or anxiety creeps in. Or sometimes it’s just neutrality.

Daily someone who loves me is asking me how I’m feeling. I know this is code for: “do you feel pregnant?” I smile and say, “I’m fine.” But I feel like the pressure is on. Not that they mean to make me feel pressured. Maybe I put that on myself. Everyone wants this to work. Of course we do.

Having gone through more TTW’s than I can remember, I’ve come to the conclusion that the most dangerous thing you can do during the TTW is symptom spotting, which that “how are you feeling?” question feeds into. Symptom spotting is basically the enemy of every women in their TWW. We tend to obsess over every little twinge or difference in our bodies. “My breasts feel more tender,” I think to myself.  Although that could be due to how much I’m squeezing them to check for breast tenderness.

But the reality is that all those “early pregnancy symptoms” can also be explained by the high levels of hormones pumping through our bodies. And to complicate matters even worse, many early pregnancy symptoms look an awful lot like what happens as Aunt Flow approaches. During my TWW during IVF #1, I was absolutely certain it had failed. I started getting a hint of a nagging heading slowing building up steam – exactly what always happens just days before my period starts. I thought I was out. I was so sure it was a negative that I typed out a list of questions to ask my RE at our follow-up “WTF appointment” (you know, the appointment you have after a failed cycle to discuss what went wrong). Literally 30 minutes after clicking save, my nurse called with my positive Beta results. Compare this to IVF/FET #2 where I was certain it worked – I felt tired, queasy, I felt what I thought was implantation cramping, sore breasts – and the Beta was negative. That was when I learned the hard way just how much progesterone can play with your mind, body, and heart.

In an effort to get through this TWW without symptoms spotting and maintain as much hope and receptivity as I can, I’m trying a different strategy. I’ve been using 2 tools daily to help keep my spirits up.

First, I’m doing a combination of deep breathing, affirmations, and meditation with the aid of a counting ritual tool. This tool can be a Witches Ladder, Prayer Beads, or simply a bowl of stones or other small items. The Witches Ladder I use is a beautiful string of crystal beads in 3 sets of 9 beads. Each set is a different type of stone, which represents certain characteristics. I created an affirmation for each set of stones. I start at the beginning and hold each bead between my fingers, take a deep breath and state my affirmation, then repeat for each bead in that section. As I proceed mindfully, slowly through each individual bead, my mind is calmed and my focus strengthened. I find this really calming when I start to feel that bit of doubt or anxiety creep into my mind. Also, doing it before I even begin to feel worried helps me prevent it and maintain a more positive sense of being.

Photo and Witches Ladder by Etsy shop Esmeralda Holly

Above is a photo of what I used, and here is a description of the stones and my affirmations. Starting at the antler (both the antler and acorns are also fertility symbols):

  • Aventurine  = luck, creativity, heart chakra, confidence
    • “The odds are in my favor”
  • Tree agate = stability and nurturing protection, weathering the storm, putting down spiritual roots
    • “I am rooted in the earth, nurtured, I can do this” 
  • Moss agate = creating abundance, fertility, new beginnings, the spirit of nature
    • “Abundance flows through me and fills me, I am fertile” 

The second strategy I’m using is drawing a daily “mantra,” or focus, using a Mini Moon Oracle set; but you could use any oracle or affirmation deck that resonates with you. I love the simplicity of the Mini Moon Oracle set, which I downloaded for free from Spirit de la Lune, because it’s just one word that doesn’t need any other interpretive guidebook to understand. Each morning, I take a few deep breaths, ask the Universe for a focus that will benefit me that day, and draw a mini moon from my bag. Throughout that day I mentally come back to the word and see how I can fit it in to support my well-being. As an example, I recently picked “Flow”. As my day progressed and at times got chaotic, I reminded myself to just flow with it, not fight with it. Things that would usually get under my skin were let go as I reminded myself of the bigger picture. The following day I ironically picked “Ebb,” so I carved out time that day to withdrawal into myself in healthy ways to engage in self care.  Each day, these guiding words have been helpful in different ways.

PicsArt_03-15-11.50.31

These strategies may not change the outcome of my cycle, but at least I’m finding this TWW a bit more tolerable than ones in the past.

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Holding Faith & Trust in the 2 Week Wait

15 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by thenotsofertilegoddess in IVF#2 with FET

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FET, IVF, Two Week Wait

The waiting has begun. Well, more waiting I suppose. The hard, second guessing everything and over-analyzing every twinge kind of waiting. We had our embryo transfer last Thursday. Everything went well during the thaw. I mostly knew it would, but there’s always that small chance of something going wrong. I didn’t focus on that. I did acupuncture right before (and after) the transfer and was feeling pretty at ease at that point. After we got called back to the transfer room, it was just a short wait until my RE brought me a picture of my precious little girl. There were two pictures actually. One was right after the thaw and the other was 4 hours later. I was relieved when I saw that in that short time she had already started hatching. To me, that meant that she hadn’t been harmed during the biopsy or thaw and was right back to growing strong again. My RE said, “Let’s give her something to attach to,” and just like that, my perfect baby was placed into my womb.

Embryo after thaw
Hatching embryo 4 hours post thaw

I’ve been following a post I came across about what happens after a 5-day transfer. It’s interesting to read about if you haven’t, and you can find it here.  Yesterday I was at Day 4 after transfer, and on that day my little embaby is finding her way deeply into my uterus and attaching to the endometrial blood supply. Early in the morning I felt a sharp jab to my uterus that actually woke me up from sleep. It was over in an instant. I can’t help but think maybe this was my baby making that final journey deep into her nest.

Or it could have been unrelated. This is that time during IVF/FET when you really over-analyze absolutely every little thing your body does. The two week wait is a trickster. Every “symptom” could easily be explained away by all that progesterone, a pending period, or anything else really. Feeling so unsure about myself is something I’m not accustomed to, and it’s rather unsettling. More than ever I have to rely on trust and faith. Trust in the science that brought us to this point. Trust that this  little embryo and my body know what to do and can do it. Trust and faith in the Divine that my prayers will be answered. Faith that this will really work. To hold space for that I must find my courage. I can do this.

Yesterday I went for a walk in the local arboretum. It’s a place of beauty, serene nature, and fond memories. It’s also home to a lovely labyrinth. Labyrinths are magical places and I feel lucky to have one so close by (although you could certainly make a simple one in your backyard or home with nothing but a long piece of yarn). Labyrinths are different from mazes. Mazes have multiple pathways, dead ends, and the correct path is hidden for you to deduce. Labyrinths have once path; it goes in then back out. There is no guessing or figuring. Walking the curving path creates a rhythm and lets the mind disconnect from everyday tasks and stressors. It’s a meditative practice. There are many different ways to mindfully walk a labyrinth.

In the spirit of connecting with my trust and faith, I began my path at the labyrinth opening by calling to the Divine and all of my spiritual and angelic helpers. As I walked the curving path toward the center I focused on my prayer – that my embryo transfer succeeds in blessing me with a healthy pregnancy and baby. I focused on this as I slowly walked with intention all the way to the center. Once there, I gave thanks. I am truly grateful for all the help and blessings I have received along this journey. I know that the Divine and my helpers have been watching over me all along, and have had a hand in all the amazing things that have miraculously gone right. As I wound in the reverse direction out of the labyrinth, I filled my heart with gratitude – including gratitude for the blessing that is growing inside my womb. Labirynth

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