As the Summer Solstice quickly approaches, I’m struggling to connect with the energy of the season. This solstice marks the height of the Sun’s energy, gardens are in full bloom, and magic is afoot. Fertility is a major theme of Midsummer. Yet here I sit, struggling with mine.

I recently found out that 1 of my 4 embryos made it to day 5 for biopsy for PGS testing. The nurse attempted to cushion this news with reassurance that my tiny embryo is of “the highest of quality”. She rattled off technical details of the embryo’s cell structure, but honestly, my brain turned off at that point as I simply tried to take in the news that all of my hopes are riding on this one bundle of cells. And I know that embryo grading is not a good predictor of PGS results. Since then, I’ve been waiting as patiently as I can on the results from the genetics lab. If the results come back normal, then we will proceed with a mock transfer to determine the optimal day for a frozen embryo transfer. If not, then I’m back to square one, facing another simulation cycle. To be honest, all of this stress, having just one embryo after what I had though was a successful egg retrieval, and waiting for what seems like forever, is simply wearing on me. I’m not feeling the energy and magic of the Summer Solstice. And that’s okay. But I do want to find a simple way to honor the turning of the wheel and rekindle a connection that I’m struggling to feel as I tread in the depths of IVF stress. This is what I need to stay connected with myself, the Divine, maintain my hope, and prepare for what may come – good or bad.

So I’m going to take a relaxed, fun approach to try to both pull myself out of my head and to focus on the life and energy that is around me, even if I’m not quite feeling the spirit myself. It’s time to pull out the flying wish paper and sparklers and just play with my husband and toddler. I’ll watch my little girl, so full of Midsummer energy, run and laugh and spin, and I will be reminded of the blessings that I have. That is the true spirit of the Summer Solstice – fullness, strength, creation, love, magic. And at the close of the evening, I’ll sit in front of a small fire on my deck, gather up some of that buzzing energy and send it to my one little embryo.

You just never know what’s going to happen with IVF. One day you have 6 follicles growing and then…BAM… two days later you have 11! And that’s what happened to me. Three years ago I had 8 follicles at egg retrieval, so this is an increase for me.  I must say I’m shocked that some of my small follicles caught up to the larger ones, especially with my low AMH results. I’m actually feeling pretty proud of my ovaries at this point, which is a cool feeling since infertility is usually marked with body-related disappointment. My egg retrieval (ER) is scheduled for Wednesday the 7th. I won’t get to find out how many eggs were actually retrieved, how many were mature, or how many fertilized until a day after ER. That might not sound like a big deal to most people, but anyone waiting on ER news knows that a day of waiting can seem like a month.

Playing with predictions, I expect to get about one egg per follicle, so that’s 11 eggs. I may cry with joy if I get 11 eggs. Seriously. My clinic shoots for 10-12 follicles because they find that amount is a sweet spot for developing mature eggs. Some women produce a lot more follicles than this. I’m talking about upwards of 30! But the problem with that is usually the quality is compromised. I suppose the body only has the resources to produce so many mature eggs at once. Of course, some women are successfully able to produce many more high quality eggs than 10-12, but it really is a balancing act. Quality versus quantity. To potentially be in that sweet spot is exciting and so very unexpected for someone dealing with diminished ovarian reserve.

While the jury is still out on what we will actually get at ER, I’m considering my progress so far a success. I’ve administered the trigger shot per instructions and now I’m just biding my time until ER tomorrow. The trigger shot always makes me a teensy bit nervous. This shot (typically made up of the same HCG that a woman’s body produces when she’s pregnant) causes the eggs to begin their final stage of maturation and prepare for ovulation. The doctor has to gather the eggs from the follicles prior to ovulation, so this is all carefully timed. Rarely, some women ovulate before ER which, as you may guess, puts a big wrench in the IVF process.

As I sit here typing, I can feel those familiar ovulation pangs in my ovaries. Not all women notice those, but I’ve gotten pretty in tune with it after all this trying to conceive. I’m reminding myself that these sensations can actually happen before, during, or after a normal ovulation, so what I’m feeling is my body gearing up for tomorrow’s main event. But it is a scary thought. So I’m trying to relax, have faith and trust, and think positive thoughts as I wait for tomorrow. And I’m trying to not ovulate in the mean time. Cheers to happy egg harvesting!

When you do IVF there’s that first ultrasound. The one that will tell you how well you are responding to medications and how many follicles are growing. The follicles house one egg typically, though some can be empty and other can have more. Some follicles will be bigger and some smaller. You want to see a good number of follicles around the same size. These ones are responding well to the meds. Smaller follicles may catch up in size and produce an egg, but the larger follicles tend to get greedy with the hormones being injected and suck them all up, eventually muscling out the smaller ones. But it’s hard to predict at this point. All in all, this first ultrasound gives you a good prediction of what you will be able to harvest at egg retrieval.

It’s an appointment that women are usually nervous about. Will I have enough eggs? Am I responding well to meds? Will my cycle be canceled? Am I being over stimulated? That last one has never been my question but for some women, especially those with PCOS,  this is a serious risk. So it’s a big day.

Today was that day for me. The ultrasound revealed that I have 6 large follicles growing and about 5 or 6 smaller ones. Okay. Breathe. I was hoping for more. Last time around none of my smaller follicles caught up. It’s so easy to make comparisons, but the truth is that each cycle is unique. I’m thankful to have 6. A common mantra you hear in IVF circles is “quality over quantity”. I’m reminding myself that worrying won’t change anything. I’m going to go with the flow and see what happens. I’m going to keep focusing on growing healthy eggs, and reminding myself that my future baby (well, at least the egg part of that baby) is growing inside of me right now. And that thought is amazing.

The night before my ultrasound I was starting to feel the panic raise in anticipation. It’s a familiar feeling that all women who go through IVF know. I had my favorite Spirit de la Lune card deck nearby and the perfect card was pulled for me. The Waxing Gibbous: Courage.

With courage, I trust the path before me to guide my steps and my dreams unfolding. 

Women who walk the path of infertility are truly courageous. They face pain, uncertainty, and loss, and somehow in the depths of it all they find a way to keep moving forward. To try again. To smile. To change. To redefine success. To overcome. And so, with courage, I’ll continue on my path and trust that my dreams will come true.

Today is the day that I start my IVF injections. I had my baseline ultrasound and labs, which indicated we were all good to go. I vividly remember my “day 1” from my first cycle. I stood at my kitchen table, with a plethora of medications, syringes, and alcohol swabs laid out, and I stared at the sharp needle in my hand. I had my shirt pulled up and I was pinching my belly as my nurse had instructed, getting ready to jab myself with a needle. I was afraid of needles. Although I had received several injections up until that point, I never had to do it myself. I could have asked my husband to do it, but I wanted control over it. I wanted to control something. And so I stood there, ready…and began to cry.

It just wasn’t how I envisioned creating a baby. I was jealous of women who could just have sex and get pregnant. I was sad that my experience was so different. So medical. So uncertain. I was afraid it wouldn’t work. And then I jabbed myself in the stomach with the needed. That was the last time I cried during injections.

Today is different. I’m excited to begin. I’m hopeful. I still know that it’s uncertain, but I have faith and trust that it will work. I know there will be ups and downs, and every ultrasound appointment will have the potential to make me happy, hopeful, and excited, as well  as worried, sad, and fearful. But I know that I can experience all of that, and still have a positive outcome. So I’m choosing to focus on the positive. On the hopeful.

I created my own IVF ritual to kick things off today. A ritual not only to draw in success, but also to calm and nurture myself. I like to keep my rituals simple and work with elements that speak to me, such as candles, herbs, and essential oils. So here’s a bit of candle magic  for IVF…

Supplies:

• Beeswax egg-shaped candles to burn nightly (I purchased a 6 pack of hand poured beeswax candles from an Etsy shop that has their own well cared for bee farm.)
• Rose essential oil
• Apple wood shavings

I set up my sacred space in the way that I typically do. Next, I invoked Gaia, my spirit guides and angels, and all those allies in my fertility journey (hey, I want to be inclusive here – I need all the help I can get!). I asked them to hear me and grant me their assistance in making this IVF successful by blessing my husband and I with a second healthy child. Then I took some time to focus and raise energy. There are so many ways to do that, but today using sound was fitting. When I felt ready, I began by carving some symbols into my egg candle. While I carved I focused on the meaning of the symbol, filling not only the candle with the intent but also knowing that every time I light the candle my body will fill with this intent and that energy will be released into the universe. I chose two symbols. The first is a symbol for blessings. I love this symbol, which I often associate with the sacral chakra.

Painting I did of the Sacral Chakra with blessings symbol

Blessings can come in many forms, but to me this symbol always makes me think of fertility and abundance. So I use this symbol to represent the beautiful blessing of a healthy child. The second symbol I chose is a pentacle for protection. The reality of this crazy process is that my embryos are going to go through a rough process. They will initially be grown in a dish, not my protective womb. They will be biopsied, frozen, and thawed. I think they could use the extra measure of protection!

Next, I anointed my carved and charged egg candle with rose oil. I love rose oil, though good quality rose oil is pricey, so you can substitute something else that feels right to you if preferred. My husband gifted rose oil to me for a special occasion and I thought it would be a great addition to this working. Rose oil brings with it the essence of love, blessing, fertility, family, energy, and trust. Just want I need. Then I lit the candle and as the wax began to pool around the wick, I sprinkled into the melting wax a bit of apple wood shavings. Apple wood corresponds with action, beginnings, fertility, blessing, power, love, luck, and faith. Trust and faith.

I combined this candle magic with some additional energy work. I’ve completed my Level II Reiki training and attunement, so I utilized reiki, but just focusing your energy would work as well. With the candle burning, I placed my hands over my ovaries and sent reiki to my ovaries, focusing on healthy eggs growing. I find that words help me build and focus my energy as well, so I repeated the following words:

I send energy and love to my ovaries. I carry the seeds of life within my ovaries. I send energy and love to my eggs. My eggs that are being stimulated during this cycle are healthy and have the energy needed for development. From these eggs, my healthy baby will grow. So mote it be.

I repeated this several times, visualizing the energy wrapping around my ovaries and touching each egg that is going to be developing during this course of medical stimulation. I could see each egg light up in brilliance. I felt the emotions that surfaced as I affirmed that my eggs are healthy and have everything they need to develop well. To develop into my beautiful baby full of love and light. I focused on this, my intent, the energy involved in the process, the emotion of creation, until I was full. Then I released this energy and gave thanks in closing.

I plan on lighting this egg candle every day during the simulation phase, which will be about 12 days or so depending on progress closely tracked via ultrasounds and labs. When this candle is used up I will make a new one to continue the working. I’m stuck by the synergy here between science and magic. Creation truly is a miracle no matter how it happens. But it can feel really sterile when immersed in medications and doctor appointments. By engaging in this ritual daily, I’m bringing the beauty and magic back into the process. I’m honoring my body and it’s potential to create life. Everyday, when I’m asking it to do so much.

It’s been a hectic week. I’ve been traveling for work and returned to piles of laundry. So, of course, Beltane was in the middle of that and I was unprepared. With so many beautiful Beltane rituals filling my Facebook feed, I was feeling a bit like a “bad Pagan”. But that’s just how life is sometimes. So in an effort to avoid stress and self-inflicted guilt, I opted for a simple candle ritual. Really simple. Just a tea light and my favorite chosen symbols of my current IVF journey: a small pregnant Goddess, a spiral with a baby in center, and a septarian egg. As I lit my candle, I said a few words of appreciation for the season and all the fertility it brings.

Again I fought back a little ping of guilt that I hadn’t created a more elaborate ritual since this particular turning of the Wheel is dripping with all things related to creation, vitality, and hope. Pretty much exactly what I’m going for at this point, especially with my stimulation cycle just about two short weeks away. But I set that aside and reminded myself that simple and spontaneous can really be the best, and anything from the heart is what really matters.

And then, from somewhere I didn’t recognize came the desire to write a poem for the occasion. Talk about “from the heart”. Poetry is not my forte, but I honored the idea that came to me so strongly. So here is my impromptu Beltane Blessing. Go easy on me. And happy belated Beltane to you.

The fire sparks all around

Creation is in the air

The earth swells and blossoms

A Divine spiral afoot

May I harness this vibrant energy

To bring life into my womb

Into my heart, my arms

I pull it in

A glowing ribbon swirls around

Filling me with potential

Fears fade to the background

As the energy flows through me

Faith

Trust

Passion

I welcome you in

Precious one

At my IVF consultation I was instructed to call them on the first day of my next period. I wasn’t given any more details about why I needed to call, but I vaguely remember that some of the tests and such need to be done on certain days of the cycle. So today I called. I was told that they will be sending in a prescription for birth control pills and I’m to start taking them tomorrow. This is so they can control my cycle and time it for the start of the IVF protocol.  As I hung up the phone it hit me. That was it. My last chance for a natural pregnancy, gone. Deep breath… I knew this was part of it. I knew this would happen. But here it is right in my face.

Slightly shaken, I needed a moment for myself. Last week I created a fertility altar for my IVF journey. A place I can go to and find solstice. I sat in this space, took a few calming breaths, and picked up my palm sized labyrinth. I love this little labyrinth. It gives me a focal point for clearing my mind of the clutter that so often invades, and allows me to center myself and find insights. Moving the stylus through the pattern connects me to Gaia’s rhythm.

The words “love” and “console” came quickly into my mind as I moved through the labyrinth, and I realized that the moment I needed to take was one of grieving, accepting, and nurturing. Giving myself space to acknowledge the loss and disappointment I felt in the realization that I will not have a “natural” conception. I so wished I would. I even believed I would. But it is not meant to be. It is not the path that I walk in this lifetime. And that is okay. But first, I needed a moment to honor this hurt in myself and then let it go. I surrounded myself in a circle of rose quartz, a loving stone that I’ve felt quite drawn to in these past few months, and visualized a pink orb of light surrounding me with gentleness, love, and compassion. I sat with that for a short while until I felt done.

To round out this spontaneous mini ritual, I drew three cards from my favorite oracle decks. I love consulting my cards as a way to tap into my inner wisdom, my guides, and the Divine. This is one way I stay connected to my spiritual practice, but I still feel like a novice when it comes to interpreting the messages. And then I asked the question I had been avoiding. “Will this IVF result in the birth of a healthy child?” It’s a bold and direct question. I usually just ask more vague, open ended questions such as, “What message is there for me at this time?” But before I realized it, out slipped the question, so I went with it.

From my Womanrunes deck I received The Flying Woman. She is the rune of transformation, death, and rebirth. The Flying Woman tells me that something is transforming, and it will be beautiful though not necessarily easy. Next I drew from the Spirit de la Lune deck and received the Super Moon – the Wild Card. The energy of the super moon is unpredictable, primal. Anything can happen. There is beauty, freedom, and possibility in this energy. Lastly, I selected from the Earthly Souls and Spirits Oracle and pulled “Magical,” which tells me that magic surrounds this experience. Now I’m not sure if this all means my IVF will be successful. Sure I can see the parallels between the magical transformation of egg and sperm into an embryo filled with life, beauty, and possibility. Could this represent my baby coming into being? It may. What could be more primal than that? Certainly it’s what I wish for.

But what I definitely know is that whatever happens during this process, I will not be the same at the end. I too will have transformed. The ups and downs, the fears, the celebrated moments, the pain, the joy. No one goes through this process and comes out the same afterward. Whether IVF succeeds or fails to bring us the child we wish for, we will not be the same in the end. The anticipation of that unknown is scary. It’s easy to slip into worry, but worry will not change the outcome. (And yes, I’ll no doubt have to remind myself of that at several points along the way.) Instead of worry, in this moment, I’m looking to these cards and they are reassuring me that no matter what happens during this wild journey, I will be beautifully transformed.

We had our IVF consultation today. Everything was going great. Heard about new advances that have occurred since our last IVF. So much can change in this field in just 3 short years.  Success rates are significantly improved. What are these advances you ask? Well, Preimplantation Genetic Screening (PGS) has improved so that they are better able to test embryos before transferring them back into the uterus so they can tell which are genetically normal and which are going to lead to extra heartache.

Also, research is showing improved success rates with frozen, as opposed to fresh, embryo transfers. Which I suppose is good as it goes hand in hand with PGS. They have to freeze your embryos to send some cells off for testing,  so rather than putting them back for a 3-day or 5-day transfer, you get to wait a week or two for the testing results, then wait a few more weeks to fluff up your uterine lining to make it all cozy and receptive (in other words – more medications), and THEN you thaw the little bundle of cell joy and place it lovingly in the uterus. This frozen embryo transfer (FET), gives your system a bit of time to calm down from the raging insanity that was the stimulation cycle needed to hyperstimulate the ovaries to mature a bunch (hopefully) of eggs, since it take significantly fewer drugs to simply ready the uterine lining.

So there we have it. My reproductive endocrinologist (RE) said that if we can get at least one genetically normal embryo then our chance of success is 80%! He also said my chance of success is “no different than a 29 year old!” Oh good. I’m glad my aging reproductive system gets to re-live it’s heyday.

But there’s more…Since my uterus is “proven” (code for I’ve grown a baby successfully before) that also increases my chance of success. He explained that since a uterus never returns to it’s pre-pregnant size, ahem…that explains a lot, that now I have more real estate on which my em-baby can implant. So it’s all good, except…

Then I asked with a nervous laugh, “well how much worse could my eggs have really gotten in the past 3 years?” Apparently the answer is “a lot”.  Um, excuse me? Yeah I know what they say about decreased fertility after age 35 and the rapid decline towards 42. But there are individual differences of course, and I guess I was expecting that it wouldn’t be that bad. Well he drew me a graph and let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

So here I sit. Desperate to grow some healthy eggs. I also have endometriosis, which isn’t friendly toward eggs. I had surgery about 2 or 3 months before my first IVF to remove endo. On the plus side, while nursing my daughter, my period didn’t return until 22 months post-partum, so I’ve only had 7 cycles and endo only grows when you have your period, so at least that hasn’t been having it’s way with my eggs for the past 3 years. My RE gave me a list of supplements to take to help improve my egg quality. I bought these pills and organized them into one of those pill boxes with sections for each day (they don’t all fit). Sigh.

The nurse drew blood to test my AMH, which will give us a good indicator of just how my egg reserve is now. I get to wait 2 weeks for the results. I hate this part. The waiting. On the one hand, it’s easy to panic. I’m waiting on this number that will give me the first clue as to how this is going to go. Can I make some normal eggs that will turn into genetically sound embryos? It’s easy to worry. But on the other hand, I just know that there is this little soul out there waiting for me. Waiting to join our family. So, for today, I’m choosing to focus on that and not sweat the details.

One thing I learned the first time around is that those details can and do change on a dime.

In a few days I head back to my reproductive endocrinologist’s (RE) office for a consult.  That’s where the baby magic happens. Where hopes and dreams come true. It’s also where hopes and dreams crash down into a pool of tears. It’s been 3 years since I’ve been there. I’ll climb the steps, wait in the really beautiful waiting room (a reminder of just how lucrative this business  is), and then when my name is called I’ll walk past the Wall of Babies. That’s where they post the photos that their patients send in of all the bouncing babies conceived through science and tears. While I know that the Wall is hard for some to look at while deep in the darkness of infertility, I always found it oddly reassuring. I wanted to see that my RE had so much success. That is, after all, why I went there.

It will be strange to be back. Much has changed and I’m now the mother to a fiery toddler. I know a lot more about infertility and what this process entails. I’m excited and nervous for the appointment. I’m nervous about the prospect of doing this all again. I’m scared because we have high expectations. My family has high expectations. It’s easy to think that because it worked last time, it will work again this time. It will work on the first try. But I’m intimately aware of what the statistics say. The statistics stink, especially for women who are older. And apparently being almost 40 is definitely “older” when it comes to IVF. It’s actually pretty frightening when you look online at success rates. They actually have sites that predict your chance for success when you enter a few bits of data. But I’m ignoring those. Yep, totally ignoring those.

The thing about those statistics is that they are based on averages. So unless you are a completely average women (does she even exist?), they really say little to nothing about your chance for success. To really make a prediction that has any hope of being accurate, you need to take into account several factors, both about your unique circumstances and your clinic.

My RE is actually pretty good about taking the time to look at my chart, my labs, my history, along with my husband’s history, and giving me a prediction tailored to me. And I guess right now, that’s the scary part. In a few days I will hear the news. Good or bad. Probably somewhere in between. What are my chances of success? Should we go through with it? What number, exactly, do I need to hear to make me want to take the gamble? Is there a number that would make me want to give up before we even try? Is there a number that I can’t find a way to justify? To justify all the needles, all the time off work, all the hormones wrecking havoc on my system,  the procedures, possibly another surgery? A few months ago I would have said YES! I would have said that there needs to be a really good chance of this working for me to go through with it.

But somehow that changed.

When I made this consultation appointment my intention was to see where we sit right now and make a decision on if we want to proceed with infertility treatment again. But now I already know I’m going through with it. When did that change? So I guess what’s really scary now is admitting that I want this. I want to try to have another baby. And I’m willing to go through it all again knowing that there are no guarantees in infertility treatment.