As the Summer Solstice quickly approaches, I’m struggling to connect with the energy of the season. This solstice marks the height of the Sun’s energy, gardens are in full bloom, and magic is afoot. Fertility is a major theme of Midsummer. Yet here I sit, struggling with mine.
I recently found out that 1 of my 4 embryos made it to day 5 for biopsy for PGS testing. The nurse attempted to cushion this news with reassurance that my tiny embryo is of “the highest of quality”. She rattled off technical details of the embryo’s cell structure, but honestly, my brain turned off at that point as I simply tried to take in the news that all of my hopes are riding on this one bundle of cells. And I know that embryo grading is not a good predictor of PGS results. Since then, I’ve been waiting as patiently as I can on the results from the genetics lab. If the results come back normal, then we will proceed with a mock transfer to determine the optimal day for a frozen embryo transfer. If not, then I’m back to square one, facing another simulation cycle. To be honest, all of this stress, having just one embryo after what I had though was a successful egg retrieval, and waiting for what seems like forever, is simply wearing on me. I’m not feeling the energy and magic of the Summer Solstice. And that’s okay. But I do want to find a simple way to honor the turning of the wheel and rekindle a connection that I’m struggling to feel as I tread in the depths of IVF stress. This is what I need to stay connected with myself, the Divine, maintain my hope, and prepare for what may come – good or bad.
So I’m going to take a relaxed, fun approach to try to both pull myself out of my head and to focus on the life and energy that is around me, even if I’m not quite feeling the spirit myself. It’s time to pull out the flying wish paper and sparklers and just play with my husband and toddler. I’ll watch my little girl, so full of Midsummer energy, run and laugh and spin, and I will be reminded of the blessings that I have. That is the true spirit of the Summer Solstice – fullness, strength, creation, love, magic. And at the close of the evening, I’ll sit in front of a small fire on my deck, gather up some of that buzzing energy and send it to my one little embryo.