Today is the day that I start my IVF injections. I had my baseline ultrasound and labs, which indicated we were all good to go. I vividly remember my “day 1” from my first cycle. I stood at my kitchen table, with a plethora of medications, syringes, and alcohol swabs laid out, and I stared at the sharp needle in my hand. I had my shirt pulled up and I was pinching my belly as my nurse had instructed, getting ready to jab myself with a needle. I was afraid of needles. Although I had received several injections up until that point, I never had to do it myself. I could have asked my husband to do it, but I wanted control over it. I wanted to control something. And so I stood there, ready…and began to cry.
It just wasn’t how I envisioned creating a baby. I was jealous of women who could just have sex and get pregnant. I was sad that my experience was so different. So medical. So uncertain. I was afraid it wouldn’t work. And then I jabbed myself in the stomach with the needed. That was the last time I cried during injections.
Today is different. I’m excited to begin. I’m hopeful. I still know that it’s uncertain, but I have faith and trust that it will work. I know there will be ups and downs, and every ultrasound appointment will have the potential to make me happy, hopeful, and excited, as well as worried, sad, and fearful. But I know that I can experience all of that, and still have a positive outcome. So I’m choosing to focus on the positive. On the hopeful.
I created my own IVF ritual to kick things off today. A ritual not only to draw in success, but also to calm and nurture myself. I like to keep my rituals simple and work with elements that speak to me, such as candles, herbs, and essential oils. So here’s a bit of candle magic for IVF…
- Beeswax egg-shaped candles to burn nightly (I purchased a 6 pack of hand poured beeswax candles from an Etsy shop that has their own well cared for bee farm.)
- Rose essential oil
- Apple wood shavings
I set up my sacred space in the way that I typically do. Next, I invoked Gaia, my spirit guides and angels, and all those allies in my fertility journey (hey, I want to be inclusive here – I need all the help I can get!). I asked them to hear me and grant me their assistance in making this IVF successful by blessing my husband and I with a second healthy child. Then I took some time to focus and raise energy. There are so many ways to do that, but today using sound was fitting. When I felt ready, I began by carving some symbols into my egg candle. While I carved I focused on the meaning of the symbol, filling not only the candle with the intent but also knowing that every time I light the candle my body will fill with this intent and that energy will be released into the universe. I chose two symbols. The first is a symbol for blessings. I love this symbol, which I often associate with the sacral chakra.
Blessings can come in many forms, but to me this symbol always makes me think of fertility and abundance. So I use this symbol to represent the beautiful blessing of a healthy child. The second symbol I chose is a pentacle for protection. The reality of this crazy process is that my embryos are going to go through a rough process. They will initially be grown in a dish, not my protective womb. They will be biopsied, frozen, and thawed. I think they could use the extra measure of protection!
Next, I anointed my carved and charged egg candle with rose oil. I love rose oil, though good quality rose oil is pricey, so you can substitute something else that feels right to you if preferred. My husband gifted rose oil to me for a special occasion and I thought it would be a great addition to this working. Rose oil brings with it the essence of love, blessing, fertility, family, energy, and trust. Just want I need. Then I lit the candle and as the wax began to pool around the wick, I sprinkled into the melting wax a bit of apple wood shavings. Apple wood corresponds with action, beginnings, fertility, blessing, power, love, luck, and faith. Trust and faith.
I combined this candle magic with some additional energy work. I’ve completed my Level II Reiki training and attunement, so I utilized reiki, but just focusing your energy would work as well. With the candle burning, I placed my hands over my ovaries and sent reiki to my ovaries, focusing on healthy eggs growing. I find that words help me build and focus my energy as well, so I repeated the following words:
I send energy and love to my ovaries. I carry the seeds of life within my ovaries. I send energy and love to my eggs. My eggs that are being stimulated during this cycle are healthy and have the energy needed for development. From these eggs, my healthy baby will grow. So mote it be.
I repeated this several times, visualizing the energy wrapping around my ovaries and touching each egg that is going to be developing during this course of medical stimulation. I could see each egg light up in brilliance. I felt the emotions that surfaced as I affirmed that my eggs are healthy and have everything they need to develop well. To develop into my beautiful baby full of love and light. I focused on this, my intent, the energy involved in the process, the emotion of creation, until I was full. Then I released this energy and gave thanks in closing.
I plan on lighting this egg candle every day during the simulation phase, which will be about 12 days or so depending on progress closely tracked via ultrasounds and labs. When this candle is used up I will make a new one to continue the working. I’m stuck by the synergy here between science and magic. Creation truly is a miracle no matter how it happens. But it can feel really sterile when immersed in medications and doctor appointments. By engaging in this ritual daily, I’m bringing the beauty and magic back into the process. I’m honoring my body and it’s potential to create life. Everyday, when I’m asking it to do so much.