Tag Archives: Ritual

The Numbers So Far: Stims & Egg Retrieval

14 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in IVF #3

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I held off on writing about my follicle count during stims because I know how quickly it can change. But unlike last cycle, this one held pretty consistent. At each ultrasound I had 4 to 5 good size follicles and a few smaller ones. I kept hoping that the smaller ones would catch up. At my last ultrasound before egg retrieval, I had a solid 5 with 1 or 2 that might catch up in time, but I was told to not bank on those. I was actually okay with that going in and thought that perhaps my body was just putting in all the effort to grow these few high quality eggs, especially since we added in human growth hormone (HGH) for 6 days during stims to help with egg quality. Plus I’ve been on my egg quality cocktail of supplements – oh how I wish it was an actual cocktail – for so much longer at the time of retrieval. So I was ready for retrieval.

The anesthesiologist, however, was not. I sat there in the retrieval room, draped in paper gowns, and waited for this person to show up to my very important, and time sensitive, event. And then I waited some more. The RE assured me that I wouldn’t ovulate before retrieval because they calculate an extra couple of hours into scheduling specifically for uncontrollable events like this. Apparently there was a mix up with the anesthesiologists, or mine overslept – I’m not exactly sure. In an effort to get everything ready and save time while waiting on this person, a nurse came in to start my IV. She joked and said, “It’s okay, I’ve watch YouTube videos.” But then reassured me that she used to be a paramedic and I’m in good hands. Well I think dinosaurs must have roamed the earth back when she was a paramedic because the first attempt she hit a wall  and the second and third attempts were blow outs. My husband intervened and told her not to try again and that we’d like to wait for the anesthesiologist.

I got a little break, then my RE came in and told me that he had a “plan B” – if the anesthesiologist is much later, they will give me “lots of pain meds and a little something to forget”. Now, I know he meant well, and honestly I’d do anything to get the eggs, but I couldn’t help but have a few tears start to fall. I was scared. I know some women do egg retrievals awake, but I’ve never heard a good story about it. It would hurt and I’m getting a little tired of all the pain involved in this process. This was not going how I expected! The RE also said that either way, we need to get the IV started. In came a different nurse who was able to get the IV going on the first try, though not without some struggle. And let me just mention that I have great veins. I’ve never experienced anything like this. To my relief, the anesthesiologist finally arrived in the nick of time and we didn’t need to revert to the dreaded plan B.

I was shocked to find that they retrieved 10 eggs! Some of my follicles contained 2 eggs (bonus!) and I guess some of the smaller follicles caught up. It was great news. My RE said he was hoping to get 5 or 6 embryos growing from these. Ahh, if only. As last cycle, my excitement only lasted a day until I got the fertilization report. The good news was that 9 of my eggs were mature, but the bad news was that only 3 fertilized with ICSI. And I was crushed. Again. I just don’t get it. How can my fertilization rate be so poor? I’ve been taking so many supplements, as recommended by my RE and consistent with the book, “It Starts with the Egg,” and we used HGH. What went wrong? This fertilization rate seems lower than would be expected for my age, and a drastic reduction from the 100% fertilization rate (natural – not ICSI) that I had at age 36. I know I’m 40 now, but that really does seem a bit much. I want to know why, but I’m trying to not focus on that right now, and hopefully I won’t ever have to.

Now I have 3 embryos growing. One of them has to be my golden egg. It only takes one. I focus on that, but it is so easy to get pulled back into the numbers game of probabilities and percentages. That’s a scary game. So I’m putting all my energy, prayers, and intention out to these little 3. Coincidentally, or not, I happened to have 3 egg shaped bees wax candles left from the bunch I bought when I started this journey. Bedazzled with green glitter, rose essential oil, symbols for protection and blessing, and sprinkled with the herbal mix I created when I set my intentions for this cycle, which you can find here, I mindfully light these three candles nightly to send this love and energy to my embryos. Tomorrow I will find out how they fared.

3 embryos

IVF, New Beginnings, and the New Moon

20 Friday Oct 2017

Posted by in IVF #3

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The time is finally approaching to start my third IVF cycle. I’m currently still taking provera to bring on my period and control my ovaries until it’s time to begin IVF. I have three more days on it, and I seriously can’t wait to be done. It seems, for me, progesterone is the most crazy making of the cocktail of hormones I take during this process. I get irritable, short-tempered, and really want to retreat within myself. The latter likely compounded by the turning of the season, as fall brings cool weather, shorter days, and longer nights. I’ve been countering the effects of progesterone the best that I can by enjoying the fall festivities and creating a lunar inspired bullet journal. I’ve set this journal up so that it follows each lunation – the lunar month beginning with the new moon, waxing until the full moon, and then waning to the dark moon. The journal has been a fun, creative endeavor and has been helping me become even more intimately connected to the moon and her cycles. And I do love the moon and her mysterious energy, which tug on my emotions as well as by body rhythms.

I set some new moon intentions to carry me through this lunar cycle, especially since my egg retrieval will take place during this lunation. Since every full moon has an associated meaning, I decided to link my new moon intentions with the theme of the full moon that will accompany this lunation. That will be the November full moon, known by many different names such as the Mourning Moon, Beaver Moon, and Snow Moon, among others. Since this is the first full moon to follow Samhain, some see it as the beginning of a new year. A time to leave behind that which no longer serves you to make room for a fresh start. A time to wash away the past and focus on the joys of the future.

As I thought about this idea, it truly seemed perfect for what I’m about to embark on. I’m setting aside my last IVF/FET failure, and with an open heart, I’m opening up to a new beginning. And quite literally, my body is going to be growing the seed for that new beginning. So with candles lit I focused on my new moon intention:

I let go of past failure and fearful, anxious thoughts. I focus on a new beginning – a new life. I’m creating healthy eggs. My focus is on a healthy embryo, who will become our second child. Expanding our family fills my heart with joy and gratitude. 

Then I decided to draw a couple cards form my favorite decks to see what messages I would receive to go with my new moon intention. From the Womanrunes I pulled The Cauldron of Dancing Women. The rune of honor, loyalty, and commitment. From the Spirit de la Lune I drew the waning gibbous “Surrender“. To me, the message in these two cards is saying that it’s time to show up with steady purpose. Something I will certainly need to get me through the grueling IVF process. It’s about trying again so that I can create a partnership. Hopefully that will be a partnership with a new child that I will carry in my body. I’m committing my energy and love to this. The path is not easy, and I cannot control it. Not every current will always run smooth. I will need to relax and be carried by the current. I surrender to what I cannot see, and with an open heart and trust, I will do this.

new moonBy the time this lunar month comes to a close with the dark moon, I will have injected a full protocol of stimulation medications into my body, underwent another egg retrieval, learned how many eggs were retrieved, waited for and received the news of how many fertilized, found out how many embryos made it to biopsy for PGS testing and what quality they were, undergone two uterine biopsies for more ERA testing, and will be anxiously awaiting PGS results.  Waiting on the fertilization report, embryo biopsy report, and PGS results will be some of the hardest parts to endure – far worse that what I will physically go though, which is by no means easy either.

All of this will happen during this lunar cycle. It’s almost overwhelming to think about. But I will show up – committed to making this child, ready to love her before she is even conceived. And I will flow with the current, surrendering to the process during it’s inevitable ups and downs. I can do this.

Finding the Way Back

04 Wednesday Oct 2017

Posted by in IVF #3

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It’s kind of amazing how women going though infertility treatment can find hope again after so many disappointments and failures. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve seen in support groups hit what appears to be the lowest point of sorrow and despair, only to turn it around, try again, and hold hope. I’m truly amazed and inspired by these women.

I’ve read so many posts after losses and failures where women have asked the question, “How do you go on? How do you find the strength to try again?” Inevitably someone responds with the declaration that you just will. I wish there were instructions on how to climb out of the pain. And certainly, different people find strength in different places. For some it’s spirituality/religion. For others it’s support and love, whether from family, friends, or the infertility community. For many it’s that drive to have a child that is so strong it seems to have a life force all of it’s own. For some it’s habit. And for yet others it’s the passage of time that heals. Maybe it’s a combination of many or all of these things, or something completely different. But for all of us it includes an internal strength that we might not have even known that we had. 

After my failed FET I questioned my spiritual beliefs. I felt abandoned by the Divine and lost in a vast universe. I felt alone and confused. I think it’s normal to feel all of these things after loss. And for a moment, I wasn’t sure if or how I would gain back my sense of faith and connection that my spiritual beliefs have brought me. It felt like an identity crisis. Because after all, my beliefs are a central part to my being. I didn’t share my reaction with my IVF support community because I often feel like a spiritual outsider in IVF groups that are often composed of many vocal people with Christian beliefs. I typically don’t mind the difference because I appreciate religious diversity and understand how much support and strength women get from their personal religious beliefs, just as I get strength from mine. But I didn’t feel like that was the right forum for sharing my crisis of faith because I knew that the responses I would receive wouldn’t be inline with my particular belief set. I’ve yet to find a pagan post in my IVF support groups. Of course, I’m sure they are quietly in there, just like me, but that’s another topic.

So I took my struggle to two of the pagan online communities that I’m a part of, even though they are not infertility groups. The responses I received were overflowing with love, kindness, validation, and support. Not one person told me how to “fix” my crisis of faith though. And I really wanted someone to tell me what I should do to feel better. So there I sat, re-reading all of the supportive comments from mostly women who had never dealt with infertility (and a few that had), and somehow after a while I began to slowly feel better. As it turned out, these wise women gave me exactly what I needed. They didn’t try to fix it or convince me that “everything happens for a reason”. They just held space for me in my struggle and offered me kindness. I suppose they knew I would find my way back to Goddess, and I did.

Earlier in the month, as the dark moon transitioned into the waxing crescent, I found myself ready to begin again. Renewed from the darkness. I revisited my candle magic that I did here during my first egg retrieval, to modify it for what I felt was the new focus for this upcoming IVF stimulation. For this cycle I’m focusing on energy and power – that fiery spark that my eggs will need to grow strong and healthy. Egg quality was a problem for me during my last round, and at my age that basically means that my ovaries and eggs didn’t have the energy stores needed to really thrive. So here’s what I did for my egg ritual this time around:

IVF 3Supplies

  • Beeswax egg candle
  • White dish (white is for  activation, beginnings, blessings)
  • Green glitter (fertility and rebirth)
  • Rose (for love) and Frankincense (for energy and attraction) essential oils
  • Herbal blend of Apple wood shavings, rosemary, basil, sage, and lavender (this combination brings in action, beginings, fertility, blessings, energy, love, protection, and a dash of luck)
  • Crystals: bloodstone (strength & reproductive health), amazonite (calm, clarity, & peace), moss agate (fertility & birth), rose quartz (love), and septarian egg (healing, nourishing, & calming)

I started out my ritual by invoking Gaia, my spirit guides and angels, and all those allies in my fertility journey to hear me and grant me their assistance in making this IVF stimulation cycle successful by helping my ovaries grow strong, healthy eggs that contain all the energy and life force needed to form healthy, normal embryos – one of which will grow into  our second healthy child. This was my intention for this working.

Then I did some candle magic! First, I anointed the egg candle with rose and frankincense essential oils. Second I carved some symbols. I combined 3 runes that I intentionally selected from the Womanrunes deck into one symbol: The Dancing Woman (rune of power), The Yoni (rune of making), and The Flame (rune of fire/energy). On the other side of the candle I carved the Reiki Power symbol to boost my intention. The Reiki power symbol (“Choku Rei”) is often translated to “place the power of the universe here” and I love to work with this symbol when using Reiki. Then I sprinkled on the green glitter because who doesn’t like glitter? Next, I placed the candle in the white dish and surrounded it with the herbal mixture and crystals. Finally I lit the candle and as the wax pooled near the wick, I sprinkled some of the herbs into the melting wax.

As the candle burned  I held my hands over my ovaries and let the energy flow. I focused on healthy eggs growing, visualizing my ovaries glowing with light as I said these words:

I send energy and love to my ovaries. I carry the seeds of life within my ovaries. I send energy, vitality, and love to my eggs. My eggs that are being stimulated during this cycle are healthy and have all the energy needed for development. From these eggs, my healthy baby will grow. So mote it be.

I repeated those words until I felt done. Then in closing I gave thanks. It felt good to re-connect with the Divine and the magic within me, especially after I had thought I was lost.