The time is finally approaching to start my third IVF cycle. I’m currently still taking provera to bring on my period and control my ovaries until it’s time to begin IVF. I have three more days on it, and I seriously can’t wait to be done. It seems, for me, progesterone is the most crazy making of the cocktail of hormones I take during this process. I get irritable, short-tempered, and really want to retreat within myself. The latter likely compounded by the turning of the season, as fall brings cool weather, shorter days, and longer nights. I’ve been countering the effects of progesterone the best that I can by enjoying the fall festivities and creating a lunar inspired bullet journal. I’ve set this journal up so that it follows each lunation – the lunar month beginning with the new moon, waxing until the full moon, and then waning to the dark moon. The journal has been a fun, creative endeavor and has been helping me become even more intimately connected to the moon and her cycles. And I do love the moon and her mysterious energy, which tug on my emotions as well as by body rhythms.
I set some new moon intentions to carry me through this lunar cycle, especially since my egg retrieval will take place during this lunation. Since every full moon has an associated meaning, I decided to link my new moon intentions with the theme of the full moon that will accompany this lunation. That will be the November full moon, known by many different names such as the Mourning Moon, Beaver Moon, and Snow Moon, among others. Since this is the first full moon to follow Samhain, some see it as the beginning of a new year. A time to leave behind that which no longer serves you to make room for a fresh start. A time to wash away the past and focus on the joys of the future.
As I thought about this idea, it truly seemed perfect for what I’m about to embark on. I’m setting aside my last IVF/FET failure, and with an open heart, I’m opening up to a new beginning. And quite literally, my body is going to be growing the seed for that new beginning. So with candles lit I focused on my new moon intention:
I let go of past failure and fearful, anxious thoughts. I focus on a new beginning – a new life. I’m creating healthy eggs. My focus is on a healthy embryo, who will become our second child. Expanding our family fills my heart with joy and gratitude.
Then I decided to draw a couple cards form my favorite decks to see what messages I would receive to go with my new moon intention. From the Womanrunes I pulled The Cauldron of Dancing Women. The rune of honor, loyalty, and commitment. From the Spirit de la Lune I drew the waning gibbous “Surrender“. To me, the message in these two cards is saying that it’s time to show up with steady purpose. Something I will certainly need to get me through the grueling IVF process. It’s about trying again so that I can create a partnership. Hopefully that will be a partnership with a new child that I will carry in my body. I’m committing my energy and love to this. The path is not easy, and I cannot control it. Not every current will always run smooth. I will need to relax and be carried by the current. I surrender to what I cannot see, and with an open heart and trust, I will do this.
By the time this lunar month comes to a close with the dark moon, I will have injected a full protocol of stimulation medications into my body, underwent another egg retrieval, learned how many eggs were retrieved, waited for and received the news of how many fertilized, found out how many embryos made it to biopsy for PGS testing and what quality they were, undergone two uterine biopsies for more ERA testing, and will be anxiously awaiting PGS results. Waiting on the fertilization report, embryo biopsy report, and PGS results will be some of the hardest parts to endure – far worse that what I will physically go though, which is by no means easy either.
All of this will happen during this lunar cycle. It’s almost overwhelming to think about. But I will show up – committed to making this child, ready to love her before she is even conceived. And I will flow with the current, surrendering to the process during it’s inevitable ups and downs. I can do this.