Last week I had my first, and only, ultrasound since starting the medications for the mock frozen embryo transfer (FET). At this stage the goal is to grow a warm cushy lining so that when they put in my little embaby, she’ll be able to nuzzle in comfortably for a long 9 months. My RE said they like to see the lining at least at a 8mm for implantation success. Mine was 12mm and I was thrilled. Funny how excited one can get over endometrial tissue. So how does one grow a plush uterine lining? If you ask an RE you will get a much more technical answer, but from what I can tell it’s heavily influenced by how well your body responds to the hormones and how much blood flow you’ve got going to the uterus. When it comes to the fist part of that, well I think I’m just lucky. At least growing a lining isn’t one of the problems I have. And that feels good since my body apparently has so many other issues when it comes to conception. But there are things that I do to support my body by giving my uterus some of the nutrients it needs and increasing blood flow so it can do it’s job.

First, I attend acupuncture for fertility. My RE actually recommends it and there are some studies showing that acupuncture right before and immediately after embryo transfer increase the rates of IVF success. Many acupuncturists and doctors of Eastern medicine recommend much lengthier protocols than that to regulate hormones, improve egg quality, and increase both fertility and IVF success. There is less and some conflicting research on the totality of the effects of acupuncture on fertility, which I have to say is likely in part due to the fact that the Western approach to research is not often applied to Eastern medicine. Given that, you have to interpret some of the research findings, or lack there of, cautiously. But, you know, something must be said for hundreds, sometimes thousands, of years of experience. And it can’t hurt, plus it can help with some of the medication side effects and ease stress and anxiety.

I began doing acupuncture this time just about a week or two before beginning my stimulation medications for egg retrieval. I often hear that women do acupuncture for months, 3 months seems to be frequently cited, before beginning IVF, but to my surprise my acupuncturist didn’t seem to be in any rush for me to begin. Honestly I think it might have helped more with my egg quality had I started earlier, but by the time we got to the mock FET cycle that I’m currently in, I’ve had several sessions that are likely helping with the blood flow to my uterus. So I’ll count that as a win.

The other thing that I have been doing to help build a healthy lining is drinking red raspberry leaf (RRL) tea daily. RRL tea has an long history of use by women and midwives for supporting healthy fertility, pregnancy, and labor.  It’s a great uterine tonic and delivers several nutrients that support uterine health, such as carotenoids, citric acid, tannins, vitamin A, B complex, C, E, iron, calcium, phosphorus, potassium, and silica. You can read more about the benefits and uses of RRL tea here and here. A variation on tea that packs a much stronger punch is an infusion. Infusions are steeped longer than teas, which allows for significantly more of the plant’s constituents to be extracted. So basically you get more bang out of the herbs.

Here’s how I make a RRL infusion:

First you will need a lot of RRL. I buy mine in the bulk herbs section from either Mountain Rose Herbs or Starwest Botanicals. These are both trusted sources for great quality organic products. No I’m not getting anything for saying that, I just like their stuff. I purchase a pound, which is a lot of herb, but it takes a lot to make daily infusions, and it’s actually reasonably priced at as low as $11 per pound.

The jar will be about half way full. RRL is light and fluffy so 1 oz is a lot.

Second,  measure out 1 ounce of RRL, I use a kitchen scale, and put this into a quart size mason jar.

Third, fill the jar with boiling water. You’ll want to use a spoon to push down the herbs and saturate them. This will make room for more water so you can top it off. Then cap it with a lid and let it set for about 6 or more hours. I usually make mine in the evening and let it sit overnight.

Easy peasy. You can drink 1-3 cups of this daily. Sometimes I drink the whole jar’s worth in a day and sometimes I split it between two days. I strain out the herbs using a fine mesh metal colander and heat up the infusion on the stove. I avoid using the microwave because some say it can kill off some of the good things in food, and well, I’m not taking any chances when it comes to my fertility. Be prepared though, this makes a dark, strong infusion. RRL tastes noting like raspberry. Nothing. You can find recipes online for mixing additional herbs in to make it more flavorful (just make sure the herbs are safe for fertility and IVF), or you can add some honey. I just drink it straight because I know it’s good for me and it’s not that bad. Of course, I’d do just about anything to get pregnant so enduring the somewhat bitter taste of RRL infusion is the least of my challenges.

Happy drinking. And now I’m off to my second and final biopsy for ERA testing, which, by the way, doesn’t hurt nearly as much as I anticipated.

I spent last week anxiously awaiting the news about whether my one tiny embryo passed preimplantation genetic screening (PGS). All of my hopes are riding on this one embryo. This one shot. I’ve been preparing myself for what I would do if the results are abnormal. I’ve found information about different protocols that are better for egg quality and low ovarian reserve. A lot of the recommendations are different from the protocol that my RE had me on. I prepared a list of questions to ask him about to explore these options. I saved research articles to back up my points in case I have to argue, or should I say advocate for myself. I also spent a lot of time praying. I pray to Goddess and God, I call to my spirit guides and angels, and basically give a shout out to any benevolent energy that will lend a hand. I figure I need all the help I can get.  I do these things to feel empowered. To gain some sense of control in this process that feels so out of control. Because at this point I’ve really done all I can do to make this round a success. My embryo has been biopsied and frozen in time. I can’t do anything to alter the quality of that life or the outcome of that test. I just have to wait.

After calling the genetics lab to see if they sent my results to my RE yet, which they had on Thursday morning, I left a message with a nurse at my RE’s office asking about my results. I was feeling pressured and I didn’t have time to wait for their normal procedure of scheduling an appointment with the RE to discuss results and make a plan. I didn’t have time because my period had started a couple days before and if the PGS test came back normal, then I would need to start injections for a mock transfer the following day so I didn’t miss a whole cycle and waste more time. Really, I had no more time to be patient.

And then the call came. The nurse called me back. She started with the polite, “how are you doing?” I resisted the urge to give the curt reply that I was thinking. I mean, really, lets get on with this. Am I about to get my heart broken or filled? Then she said it: “Do you want to know the gender?” And at that moment I knew… the results were normal. My psychologist brain quickly processed her statement before I could even blink. She would never ask if I wanted to know the gender unless the results were normal, so I knew what she was going to say before she even said it. I just couldn’t believe it. My breath caught in my throat. My one lone embryo is healthy! This is really going to work!

While I know that getting a PGS normal embryo is not a guarantee for pregnancy and live birth, it does significantly improve the chances of that success. I  vividly remember at my IVF consultation when my RE told me that getting a normal embryo (at my age, humph) would be my biggest hurdle, and that if I got one then my chance for success is 80%. That’s an astonishing rate. I’ve seen other women get lower quotes on that one, but I’m going with my RE’s predictions because he does know me and my specific medical history. I’ve also seen countless women in online groups talk about their failed frozen embryo transfers (FET) with PGS normal embryos, as well as early miscarriages. But a PGS normal embryo significantly reduces the risk of failures and losses. I have to remind myself, repeatedly, that the stories I read online are not really representative samples of everyone that goes through this. Sure we hear a lot of successes online, but we really hear a disproportionately large number of failures. After all, many women who have success move on to pregnancy support groups, or even spend more time in real life preparing for their baby and less time online, and don’t spend much more time in infertility groups.

I remind myself of this because a part of me is still scared. Scared of falling into that dark 20%. I’m also scared because I’m feeling very optimistic. It’s a peculiar place really – to feel so confident and happy on the one hand, yet a tiny bit scared on the other. I asked a trusted someone if I should temper my excitement , you know, to try to reduce my heartbreak should my FET not work and prepare for the worst. She simply said, “No!” She told me to enjoy this and focus my thoughts and energy on my healthy baby. On this healthy baby that will join me soon. But she also said to find a place in my heart to be neutral and accepting of whatever happens.

How do you hold such different energies at once? To be optimistic and confident that I will have this baby, yet also accept a negative outcome. They seem like such different mindsets. Yet I know that humans are capable of such complex emotions. For me, I think it comes down to not feeding that one little part of me that is scared with excessive fear. That means not obsessively reading about FET failures with PGS normal embryos. And there are so many posts about that online. I simply pass those by. Sometimes it’s a matter of engaging my rational thinking to remind myself that there are many reasons PGS normal embryos fail, and many of those reasons do not apply to me based on my medical history. I remind myself that worrying won’t help. Sometimes it is a matter of simply noticing the fear creeping up, observing it without judgment, and letting it pass by me. I picture these fears on a sailboat and watch them sail away. I don’t attach myself to them or feed them. Observing without judgment can take some practice, but this mindfulness strategy really helps me. And then I focus back on my embryo and the excitement my husband and I share about our future with two amazing children. I think I can hold onto this mindset – being optimistic and also accepting of whatever happens. I know we have a back up plan if we need it. We would do IVF again if we had to. I’ve come to peace with that, but I’m not going to focus on that now. I’ve done all the research I needed to when that was helpful for me, but now I’m not going to focus any more energy there. I’m not going to feed that path or the emotions that go with it. And that helps me with the acceptance part.

Now I’ve started the medications for the mock transfer and endometrial receptivity assay (ERA) to determine the optimal time for a transfer. We want to get the timing right since we only have one chance. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? This little healthy embryo is mine. My baby. I already feel the connection. And I want her home where she belongs.

As the Summer Solstice quickly approaches, I’m struggling to connect with the energy of the season. This solstice marks the height of the Sun’s energy, gardens are in full bloom, and magic is afoot. Fertility is a major theme of Midsummer. Yet here I sit, struggling with mine.

I recently found out that 1 of my 4 embryos made it to day 5 for biopsy for PGS testing. The nurse attempted to cushion this news with reassurance that my tiny embryo is of “the highest of quality”. She rattled off technical details of the embryo’s cell structure, but honestly, my brain turned off at that point as I simply tried to take in the news that all of my hopes are riding on this one bundle of cells. And I know that embryo grading is not a good predictor of PGS results. Since then, I’ve been waiting as patiently as I can on the results from the genetics lab. If the results come back normal, then we will proceed with a mock transfer to determine the optimal day for a frozen embryo transfer. If not, then I’m back to square one, facing another simulation cycle. To be honest, all of this stress, having just one embryo after what I had though was a successful egg retrieval, and waiting for what seems like forever, is simply wearing on me. I’m not feeling the energy and magic of the Summer Solstice. And that’s okay. But I do want to find a simple way to honor the turning of the wheel and rekindle a connection that I’m struggling to feel as I tread in the depths of IVF stress. This is what I need to stay connected with myself, the Divine, maintain my hope, and prepare for what may come – good or bad.

So I’m going to take a relaxed, fun approach to try to both pull myself out of my head and to focus on the life and energy that is around me, even if I’m not quite feeling the spirit myself. It’s time to pull out the flying wish paper and sparklers and just play with my husband and toddler. I’ll watch my little girl, so full of Midsummer energy, run and laugh and spin, and I will be reminded of the blessings that I have. That is the true spirit of the Summer Solstice – fullness, strength, creation, love, magic. And at the close of the evening, I’ll sit in front of a small fire on my deck, gather up some of that buzzing energy and send it to my one little embryo.

You just never know what’s going to happen with IVF. One day you have 6 follicles growing and then…BAM… two days later you have 11! And that’s what happened to me. Three years ago I had 8 follicles at egg retrieval, so this is an increase for me.  I must say I’m shocked that some of my small follicles caught up to the larger ones, especially with my low AMH results. I’m actually feeling pretty proud of my ovaries at this point, which is a cool feeling since infertility is usually marked with body-related disappointment. My egg retrieval (ER) is scheduled for Wednesday the 7th. I won’t get to find out how many eggs were actually retrieved, how many were mature, or how many fertilized until a day after ER. That might not sound like a big deal to most people, but anyone waiting on ER news knows that a day of waiting can seem like a month.

Playing with predictions, I expect to get about one egg per follicle, so that’s 11 eggs. I may cry with joy if I get 11 eggs. Seriously. My clinic shoots for 10-12 follicles because they find that amount is a sweet spot for developing mature eggs. Some women produce a lot more follicles than this. I’m talking about upwards of 30! But the problem with that is usually the quality is compromised. I suppose the body only has the resources to produce so many mature eggs at once. Of course, some women are successfully able to produce many more high quality eggs than 10-12, but it really is a balancing act. Quality versus quantity. To potentially be in that sweet spot is exciting and so very unexpected for someone dealing with diminished ovarian reserve.

While the jury is still out on what we will actually get at ER, I’m considering my progress so far a success. I’ve administered the trigger shot per instructions and now I’m just biding my time until ER tomorrow. The trigger shot always makes me a teensy bit nervous. This shot (typically made up of the same HCG that a woman’s body produces when she’s pregnant) causes the eggs to begin their final stage of maturation and prepare for ovulation. The doctor has to gather the eggs from the follicles prior to ovulation, so this is all carefully timed. Rarely, some women ovulate before ER which, as you may guess, puts a big wrench in the IVF process.

As I sit here typing, I can feel those familiar ovulation pangs in my ovaries. Not all women notice those, but I’ve gotten pretty in tune with it after all this trying to conceive. I’m reminding myself that these sensations can actually happen before, during, or after a normal ovulation, so what I’m feeling is my body gearing up for tomorrow’s main event. But it is a scary thought. So I’m trying to relax, have faith and trust, and think positive thoughts as I wait for tomorrow. And I’m trying to not ovulate in the mean time. Cheers to happy egg harvesting!

When you do IVF there’s that first ultrasound. The one that will tell you how well you are responding to medications and how many follicles are growing. The follicles house one egg typically, though some can be empty and other can have more. Some follicles will be bigger and some smaller. You want to see a good number of follicles around the same size. These ones are responding well to the meds. Smaller follicles may catch up in size and produce an egg, but the larger follicles tend to get greedy with the hormones being injected and suck them all up, eventually muscling out the smaller ones. But it’s hard to predict at this point. All in all, this first ultrasound gives you a good prediction of what you will be able to harvest at egg retrieval.

It’s an appointment that women are usually nervous about. Will I have enough eggs? Am I responding well to meds? Will my cycle be canceled? Am I being over stimulated? That last one has never been my question but for some women, especially those with PCOS,  this is a serious risk. So it’s a big day.

Today was that day for me. The ultrasound revealed that I have 6 large follicles growing and about 5 or 6 smaller ones. Okay. Breathe. I was hoping for more. Last time around none of my smaller follicles caught up. It’s so easy to make comparisons, but the truth is that each cycle is unique. I’m thankful to have 6. A common mantra you hear in IVF circles is “quality over quantity”. I’m reminding myself that worrying won’t change anything. I’m going to go with the flow and see what happens. I’m going to keep focusing on growing healthy eggs, and reminding myself that my future baby (well, at least the egg part of that baby) is growing inside of me right now. And that thought is amazing.

The night before my ultrasound I was starting to feel the panic raise in anticipation. It’s a familiar feeling that all women who go through IVF know. I had my favorite Spirit de la Lune card deck nearby and the perfect card was pulled for me. The Waxing Gibbous: Courage.

With courage, I trust the path before me to guide my steps and my dreams unfolding. 

Women who walk the path of infertility are truly courageous. They face pain, uncertainty, and loss, and somehow in the depths of it all they find a way to keep moving forward. To try again. To smile. To change. To redefine success. To overcome. And so, with courage, I’ll continue on my path and trust that my dreams will come true.

Today is the day that I start my IVF injections. I had my baseline ultrasound and labs, which indicated we were all good to go. I vividly remember my “day 1” from my first cycle. I stood at my kitchen table, with a plethora of medications, syringes, and alcohol swabs laid out, and I stared at the sharp needle in my hand. I had my shirt pulled up and I was pinching my belly as my nurse had instructed, getting ready to jab myself with a needle. I was afraid of needles. Although I had received several injections up until that point, I never had to do it myself. I could have asked my husband to do it, but I wanted control over it. I wanted to control something. And so I stood there, ready…and began to cry.

It just wasn’t how I envisioned creating a baby. I was jealous of women who could just have sex and get pregnant. I was sad that my experience was so different. So medical. So uncertain. I was afraid it wouldn’t work. And then I jabbed myself in the stomach with the needed. That was the last time I cried during injections.

Today is different. I’m excited to begin. I’m hopeful. I still know that it’s uncertain, but I have faith and trust that it will work. I know there will be ups and downs, and every ultrasound appointment will have the potential to make me happy, hopeful, and excited, as well  as worried, sad, and fearful. But I know that I can experience all of that, and still have a positive outcome. So I’m choosing to focus on the positive. On the hopeful.

I created my own IVF ritual to kick things off today. A ritual not only to draw in success, but also to calm and nurture myself. I like to keep my rituals simple and work with elements that speak to me, such as candles, herbs, and essential oils. So here’s a bit of candle magic  for IVF…

Supplies:

• Beeswax egg-shaped candles to burn nightly (I purchased a 6 pack of hand poured beeswax candles from an Etsy shop that has their own well cared for bee farm.)
• Rose essential oil
• Apple wood shavings

I set up my sacred space in the way that I typically do. Next, I invoked Gaia, my spirit guides and angels, and all those allies in my fertility journey (hey, I want to be inclusive here – I need all the help I can get!). I asked them to hear me and grant me their assistance in making this IVF successful by blessing my husband and I with a second healthy child. Then I took some time to focus and raise energy. There are so many ways to do that, but today using sound was fitting. When I felt ready, I began by carving some symbols into my egg candle. While I carved I focused on the meaning of the symbol, filling not only the candle with the intent but also knowing that every time I light the candle my body will fill with this intent and that energy will be released into the universe. I chose two symbols. The first is a symbol for blessings. I love this symbol, which I often associate with the sacral chakra.

Painting I did of the Sacral Chakra with blessings symbol

Blessings can come in many forms, but to me this symbol always makes me think of fertility and abundance. So I use this symbol to represent the beautiful blessing of a healthy child. The second symbol I chose is a pentacle for protection. The reality of this crazy process is that my embryos are going to go through a rough process. They will initially be grown in a dish, not my protective womb. They will be biopsied, frozen, and thawed. I think they could use the extra measure of protection!

Next, I anointed my carved and charged egg candle with rose oil. I love rose oil, though good quality rose oil is pricey, so you can substitute something else that feels right to you if preferred. My husband gifted rose oil to me for a special occasion and I thought it would be a great addition to this working. Rose oil brings with it the essence of love, blessing, fertility, family, energy, and trust. Just want I need. Then I lit the candle and as the wax began to pool around the wick, I sprinkled into the melting wax a bit of apple wood shavings. Apple wood corresponds with action, beginnings, fertility, blessing, power, love, luck, and faith. Trust and faith.

I combined this candle magic with some additional energy work. I’ve completed my Level II Reiki training and attunement, so I utilized reiki, but just focusing your energy would work as well. With the candle burning, I placed my hands over my ovaries and sent reiki to my ovaries, focusing on healthy eggs growing. I find that words help me build and focus my energy as well, so I repeated the following words:

I send energy and love to my ovaries. I carry the seeds of life within my ovaries. I send energy and love to my eggs. My eggs that are being stimulated during this cycle are healthy and have the energy needed for development. From these eggs, my healthy baby will grow. So mote it be.

I repeated this several times, visualizing the energy wrapping around my ovaries and touching each egg that is going to be developing during this course of medical stimulation. I could see each egg light up in brilliance. I felt the emotions that surfaced as I affirmed that my eggs are healthy and have everything they need to develop well. To develop into my beautiful baby full of love and light. I focused on this, my intent, the energy involved in the process, the emotion of creation, until I was full. Then I released this energy and gave thanks in closing.

I plan on lighting this egg candle every day during the simulation phase, which will be about 12 days or so depending on progress closely tracked via ultrasounds and labs. When this candle is used up I will make a new one to continue the working. I’m stuck by the synergy here between science and magic. Creation truly is a miracle no matter how it happens. But it can feel really sterile when immersed in medications and doctor appointments. By engaging in this ritual daily, I’m bringing the beauty and magic back into the process. I’m honoring my body and it’s potential to create life. Everyday, when I’m asking it to do so much.