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Pregnant After Infertility: Reflections on the things people say during IVF

26 Wednesday Sep 2018

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I’ll never forget the day I had my first ultrasound for this pregnancy. The fear and anxiety going in – just hoping that we would find a baby in there with a strong heart beat. All of the warm congratulations from the nurses, my RE, and other staff at my clinic. It was amazing.

But there was one comment made by one of the nurses that stood out at the time and has remained with me. She said, “You did it! You never gave up! And it paid off.” But what she didn’t know was that I kinda had given up.

Now that I’m obviously sporting a baby bump and it “looks” like I’m out of the danger zone, I’ve had others comment on the same thing. People who know how much infertility treatment I went through to get here seem to be saying, “you never gave up” in one form or another. I suppose it’s meant to be an affirmation or validation of some sort. It’s with good intentions, I know, but it always rubs me the wrong way.

What does “giving up” mean in the context of infertility treatment? Does anyone ever casually say, “Ummm, I think I’m good now. I don’t really want that baby. You can keep the medications. I’m done. Thanks.” No one casually throws in the towel when it comes to infertility. Maybe the term “give up” irritates me so much because it sounds a lot like failure or resignation. Simply quitting. It sounds like someone was too weak to continue.

But there is nothing weak about the women (and men) who go through infertility.

Honestly, I can think of few harder decisions that require more strength of mind than making the decision to stop infertility treatments. To choose to embrace the life before you, one that is not what you had planned or preferred, but can make something beautiful out of, rather than continuing down a dark and possibly quite unhealthy path.

And that’s assuming you even have a choice. For so many women and couples, the decision to end infertility treatment is made for you against your will. By insurance companies, lack of insurance, finances, medical conditions, age, and other factors out of one’s control. That lack of control can be traumatic. And being told to never give up when you don’t really even get to make the choice, can leave women feeling ashamed, confused, angry, or guilty. We don’t all have the luxury of “never giving up”.

In an environment that sings to the tune of “never give up,” discontinuing treatments, whether by choice or not, can leave a person feeling like they are doing something wrong. In the infertility community this starts to look like some form of peer pressure. Well-meaning women in IVF support groups readily tell other to “never give up” after any set back or negative test result. Sometimes I feel like shouting it’s not giving up! Sometimes stopping treatments, if the decision is up to you, is a healthy thing to do. Sometimes it’s healthy to choose the life you have rather than constantly hoping for or living for a “maybe” while the rest of your life passes you by.

For me, making the decision to stop began as a mindset not yet in sync with my actions. I had agreed with my RE to transfer my two unlikely embryos that I did not expect to take, and planned to do one last retrieval and fresh transfer afterwards. And then I decided that enough was enough at that point. I felt like I found the tipping point where maximizing my chances for success was going to become outweighed by the toll infertility treatments was taking on my mind, body, spirit, and relationships. Identifying that stopping point felt oddly liberating. Like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I began accepting what life would look like when IVF didn’t work, and I managed to see a light at the end of the tunnel (that wasn’t a train).

I realize that my road would have gotten rockier had my FET and last planned IVF hadn’t worked. I’m not naïve enough to think that I would have sailed through the finality of that loss without a huge crash, but I did have a support plan lined up for that outcome. Seeing a psychologist was a big factor in helping me come to terms with my stopping point, and although I ended my therapy while preparing for my FET – the ending was agreed upon and planned based on my progress – we agreed that if the final courses of treatment didn’t work, I would return to therapy to process my feelings and reactions to ending treatment and moving forward. Steps toward closure.

I’m not sure if this post is going to come off as negative or inspiring. I simply hope that it will help to open up the doors to acknowledging some of the difficult decisions that women face during infertility, provide a bit of insight into why “never give up” isn’t always helpful, and work to remove some of the shame and guilt that so often comes with infertility and treatment outcomes.

Pregnant After Infertility: IVF reflections and the needle shot

17 Monday Sep 2018

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PicsArt_09-17-02.02.50I saved my IVF needles. All of them. That’s a total of 6 egg retrievals, 2 fresh transfers, 2 frozen transfers, and 2 mock cycles. Some people, including probably everyone who has never gone through IVF, would think I’m a bit nuts for holding on to all these needles. But it’s oddly hard to part with something that you’ve put so much of yourself into. Something that symbolizes an experience, or maybe a part of you.

I even have my needles from my very first IVF cycle over 4 years ago – the one that brought me my feisty daughter. At that time I think it was just feeling a bit overwhelmed that kept me from taking the time to bring them back to my RE’s office for disposal. I didn’t have any grand plans for them. But this second time around, I did. I kept the needles from each cycle in a separate sharps container. I envisioned making one of those IVF baby announcements one day when it finally worked. You know, the cute pictures where all the needles are arranged in the shape of a heart with care, surrounding baby’s first ultrasound picture. Maybe a onsie or booties, too. I was so hopeful back then, and it made me smile every time I saw one of those pictures.

But as my failed cycles piled up, so did my needles. The idea that once symbolized optimism and success, morphed into something quite different. Now I have a giant pile of needles. I’m actually missing about 80 percent of my Gonal F pens because my nurse would discard them when I’d bring them in for her to combine the tails to get me an extra dose or 2 of meds. My pile began to feel chaotic as one cycle blurred into the next. The FET that finally worked consisted of 2 embryos from 2 different egg retrievals; I lost track of which sharps containers led to which of these embryos.

I’m left with a big pile of needles and no desire to shape them into something pretty.

Why did I keep these needles? Because when I look at this pile on my table I see my pain and strength. I see determination and perseverance. Countless hours spent crying in the arms of my loved ones, and even more spent crying alone in the bathroom when no one knew. Friendships fading away, while unexpected ones blossomed when I needed them most. Miracles. I see isolation and connection. The highs and lows that no one really understands unless you’ve walked in my shoes. Failure and success. Baddassery (especially when I self administered my first PIO shot). Luck – sometimes good, sometimes bad. I see hours of research and hard decisions made. Coping skills executed and eventually exhausted. Asking for help, and helping myself. Enduring more than I thought I could, and then a little bit more. Making a healthy decision of when to stop and finding peace with that. The emotional, spiritual, and physical tolls. Pride in myself. Somewhere along the way, infertility became a part of who I am. It is not all of who I am, but it has challenged and changed me in ways I never anticipated. And I’m different now. Oddly, I wouldn’t change that.

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Me and my almost 4 year old IVF baby and 17 weeks pregnant with my second IVF girl.

If all goes well, I will be a mom to 2 daughters. Yet in my mind, I will always be infertile. Despite the failures, I got the outcome that we all hope for. I am so very blessed. And, well, really I think I’m just lucky.

What to do with a blog

18 Monday Jun 2018

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I’ve been reading a few blog posts lately about what to do with an infertility blog after one becomes pregnant. People feel different ways about this, and I’ve given it my though too. And, for me, what it comes down to is this: infertility will always be a part of me. I’m one of the lucky ones who has become pregnant after IVF. My IVF baby is a big girl now at 3.5 years old. If I’m lucky, my current IVF pregnancy will also end up with a baby in my arms. But that is still in the works, and I haven’t even begun to feel secure with the idea yet.

Infertility is something near and dear to my heart. Gaining medical coverage for those who need infertility treatment is something I want to dedicate my time to. Advocating for reproductive rights and normalizing infertility by raising awareness is something I’m passionate about. I want to give back by supporting those struggling with infertility, just as I have received support from so many other infertility warriors. As  psychologist who devours research and has years of personal experience with infertility treatments, I think I still have much to contribute.

So I plan on continuing this blog. Some posts will be about pregnancy after infertility. As I began explaining in my last post, I believe that infertility has a significant impact on a woman’s experience of pregnancy that is distinctly different than what fertile women go through. This was something that I struggled with during my first IVF pregnancy, and from what I’ve seen in IVF support groups, it’s a pretty common experience. I want to give that experience a voice. In order to be mindful of those that might not be in a place where they want to read about pregnancy-related topics, I’m going to title each of those posts with, “Pregnant After Infertility…” for easy identification.

Otherwise, I’m going to continue blogging about infertility awareness, emotional coping, all the ups and downs, and the choices that we face while trying to conceive. I hope that some of my experiences and perspectives will continue to be informative and useful for those in the trenches. Oh, and I hope to throw in a dash of sarcasm and laughs, because we all need that.

The Problem with Manifestation

18 Friday May 2018

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It seems that where ever I go I find commentary about how we create our own realities. In spiritual circles the notion of manifestation, or the Law of Attraction, is everywhere. In essence, it’s the idea that by utilizing the power of the mind to focus on your desired outcome, and taking some action toward that outcome, your desire will become your reality. It’s like sending all of your positive thoughts and intentions out into the Universe, and being rewarded with your heart’s desires. And I admit, I’ve done my best to sing to the manifestation tune. I’ve visualized, I’ve sent intentions out to the Universe, I’ve been confident in an outcome, I’ve done my part. But can it ever really be that simple?

As a psychologist, you find countless examples of the power of the mind to “manifest”. What psychologist hasn’t knowingly smiled and thought, “yes, of course that’s what’s happened – it was a self-fulfilling prophecy”? Trust me, we say things like that.  A self-fulfilling prophecy is when one’s deeply held beliefs and expectations subconsciously effect our behavior and ultimately lead to an outcome consistent with our beliefs. One example of this is the placebo effect, which is when you expect something to happen and then it does. Take medications for example. In medical research, patients may think they are taking a certain medication, but really they are given a sham pill. Nevertheless, the outcomes look the same as it does for the patients taking the real medication. But since the people taking the sham pill, or placebo, believed it was a real medication, it ended up having the same effect. The placebo effect is actually a pretty common occurrence in scientific studies, thus illustrating the power of the mind. And then there’s the research on the perception of pain that shows that one’s thoughts about pain can actually impact their sensitivity to pain. Or how about ulcers? It is well known that ulcers can be caused by stress. Read: the brain can manifest physical illness.

It’s easy to start wondering what role manifestation might have in infertility and getting pregnant. Am I the reason I’m not getting pregnant? Am I not willing it hard enough?

These ideas get reinforced in the world of infertility in various ways. There are fertility meditations and visualizations designed specifically for conception, IVF, FET, and healthy  pregnancies. Don’t get me wrong, I love meditations. I’m a big fan of Circle and Bloom’s IVF and FET series, and have used them during multiple cycles. I think they are beautifully healthy ways to cope with the stress that goes hand in hand with infertility treatments. And that is hugely important. But is there another message being conveyed here? Is there a subtle pressure telling us that if we just visualize that embryo implanting strong enough…

The mantra said to women going through infertility treatment is, “Think positive!” When I was an IVF virgin, I was all on board the “just think positive” train. I tried my best to manifest like a goddess. Baby dust sparkled out of my vagina when I walked. (And if you don’t know what “baby dust” is, then you really are new here). As time passed, and I accumulated more infertility treatment experience than I ever thought I would, I found myself hanging off the back of that positivity train, kind of bouncing off the ground. I was feeling beat up by it. Then I simply let go and sat on the ground as I watched the train fade into the distance. I’m still not entirely sure what I think of it all.

But there are a few things I know for sure.

When it comes to infertility, and possibly other things in life, this idea of manifestation via the Law of Attraction has a really dangerous underbelly. It’s the underlying message that the reason I didn’t get pregnant is because I didn’t try hard enough. Because I didn’t think positively enough. I didn’t will it enough. I am to blame. I caused this.

That’s self-blaming, guilt provoking, and shaming. And complete bullshit. I did not cause this infertility.

People say, “Think positive!” in an effort to encourage us. To support us. We even say it to each other. Sometimes it’s said because the speaker is uncomfortable with our pain and doesn’t know what else to say. Sometimes we don’t want to tell the truth. Sometimes it’s all we have to hold on to. But those words can so easily be turned upside down when they’re received. Those words can become fears and anxieties: “Could this fail because I wasn’t positive enough? Did I ruin this?” It’s an insidious game that gets played in our minds. All too often infertility is marred by blame and shame.

I’m not telling anyone to not think positively if that’s helping them cope. What I am saying is that it will not change the outcome. IVF will either work or it won’t. And the determining factor won’t be how positive you were. So if you aren’t feeling particularly positive, don’t beat yourself up over it! Feel what you need to feel. And if you’re feeling extra positive, that’s great too. Just watch where you sprinkle that shit.

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Do you trust your RE?

15 Tuesday May 2018

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When you become involved in the online infertility community, you learn a lot about what happens with other women during treatment cycles. You quickly find that different doctors subscribe to different beliefs, strategies, and practices. Not all doctors or clinics are created equally. And sometimes the differences seem to teeter on negligence.

Just recently, in fact, I heard from one woman that her RE is recommending that she cancel or convert her IVF cycle to an IUI because her lead follicle grew too much and is “overripe”. She has several other eggs that are prime size for retrieval, but her RE subscribes to the idea that the healthiest eggs (that is, the ones most likely to become a baby) are the ones that respond first to stimulation meds, so if you miss your lead follicle(s) you may blow your whole cycle. Compare this to RE’s who purposely “sacrifice” lead follicles to allow smaller ones to catch up in hope of gaining a bigger harvest. Their belief is that with more eggs retrieved, you have a better chance of getting the baby. Two very different approaches, with potentially very different outcomes. This woman is stressed and torn about whether to forfeit this cycle or proceed.

Another women is fuming because for the second cycle in a row, her RE wasn’t able to retrieve all of her eggs due to issues with the dose and timing of the trigger. So her mature eggs are stuck in her ovaries. The RE should have known better and made adjustments after the first cycle.

Then there are the tests that should have been done, but never were. Protocols that weren’t individualized for women, who were treated like numbers instead. The examples can go on and on.

Some of this discrepancy is no doubt due to limitations in the research. Some things just aren’t fully known yet when it comes to assisted reproduction (or reproduction in general for that matter – the birds and the bees was clearly too simplistic). But a big part of that discrepancy also falls on the shoulders of the RE. They simply are not all built the same. And the most disturbing part for me, as someone in the health profession, is that not all RE’s stay up on the current research or are even qualified to understand the research (it takes training in research methodology and statistics to really understand the studies that are published. Just because it’s published doesn’t mean that the research design and/or statistical analyses fully support the conclusions drawn in the study). So some RE’s unfortunately aren’t up on the current findings, and some really don’t understand the findings that they read. I don’t mean to pick on RE’s – it’s like this in any discipline that attempts to bridge the gap between research and practice.  And then there’s the RE’s personal experiences, which can influence how they practice.

I often joke that I should be awarded an honorary degree in reproductive medicine after everything I’ve been through and all the studying I’ve done. Seriously, I know more about reproduction than my OBGYN. But all joking aside, I’m not an RE. I rely on my RE to advise me, make the best decisions for my individual case, be knowledgeable about current research, and care about making this work for me. And I do. I trust and respect my RE. I actually think he’s awesome for so many reasons.

And that gives me a sense of peace. I know that if this doesn’t end in a baby, it’s not because my RE wasn’t skilled enough or should have done something differently. That isn’t to say that I wish we wouldn’t have done some things differently, but I do believe that we did the best we could at each step with the information we had. And when we got new information, we changed things up accordingly.

Going through IVF is easier when you trust and believe in your RE.

It really is. In life we often have to advocate for ourselves, and I want to encourage women to speak up during infertility treatment. Ask questions – as many as you need to until you feel satisfied with the answers. Don’t be shy. And if you don’t feel comfortable with your RE – if you don’t believe in their skill and trust them – consider finding a new one. I know that’s not always an option. You may be restricted by insurance, geography, or other factors. But if you have the option, exercise it. If you don’t have the option,  it makes this difficult process that much harder.

How to Plan a Pregnancy IVF Style

07 Monday May 2018

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I came across a lovely article recently in Fertility Road Magazine titled How to Plan a Pregnancy. It had lots of helpful information about health, lifestyle choices, and tests that you can do to optimize your body and chances for successful conception. I’m glad that this information is out there, and I agree that these are all important issues to think about and plan for before getting it on. But for whatever reason, maybe it’s the hormones I’m currently injecting, I found myself chuckling about what I might say to someone about how to plan a pregnancy IVF style. So here goes, but reader beware, the sarcasm is strong with this one.

Step 1: Check with your insurance to see if they cover infertility treatments.

Read all the fine print to see how many procedures and medications are not actually covered. Oh wait, your insurance doesn’t cover infertility? Yeah, probably not. Move on to step 2.

Step 2: Find money.

Check your bank account to see how much money you have saved. You should also revisit your budget to see if there’s any money you can set aside to fund your treatments. This might include making decisions about necessities versus luxuries. Do you really need cable TV? How about those dinners out? Can you ride a bicycle to work to save on gas? Do you really need soap? Yeah, you’ll be stinky and bored if it means getting a baby. Don’t forget to check under the couch cushions for change. It adds up.

Step 3: Check your schedule to make sure that you have time for infertility treatments.

Do you have a work trip coming up? A family obligation? Planning a vacation? Wait – vacation? You can’t afford that anymore. You basically need to cancel your whole life for the next few months. You’re going to busy with lab draws, ultrasound appointments, and googling how to make PIO shots less painful. You won’t have time for anything else.

Step 4: Call your RE to make an appointment.

Be prepared to find out that the clinic’s timeline for when you can start IVF does not in any way match up with your anticipated schedule as outlined in Step 3. You can begin to rearrange your life now. Again.

Step 5: Surprise!

You need one more test. It will take one month to get the results, so your start date will be delayed. Rearrange your life again.

Step 6: Order your IVF medications

This is going to cost an inordinate amount of money. Good luck with that.

Step 7: Wait for your period.

For those of you who have a regular cycle that starts exactly on the same day every month (what? they exist), this will be the first time in your life that your period is late. Get excited because you just might be pregnant while waiting to start IVF! Just kidding. Your period will start the day after you get excited. For those of you who have never had a regular, predictable period, this will be the longest cycle of your life. You may need to get a shot or take pills for 5 days to jump start your period. These pills turn you into a raging bitch.

Step 8: Your period finally arrives.

For the first time ever, you’re thrilled to bleed all over your new Victoria’s Secret panties. Time to call the clinic and go in for your baseline ultrasound and lab work.

Step 9: Inject yourself daily with your prescribed cocktail of medications.

This step also involves crying because you saw a Facebook photo of a cute puppy sleeping with a baby, yelling at your significant other because he/she left the cap off of the toothpaste, crying some more for no actual reason, gaining ten pounds, then injecting yourself some more. Try to avoid the bruises while injecting.

Step 10: Shave your legs and lady bits so you’re prepared for multiple vaginal ultrasounds weekly.

Note that your partner will get excited in the beginning when you shave because they’ll think they’re getting lucky later that night. But they won’t be. You have been cut off from having sex anymore. So lay back and enjoy the ultrasound my dear, because that’s the only action you’ll be getting any time soon. But don’t get too excited, this wand doesn’t vibrate.

Step 11: Egg retrieval day.

Kick back and relax, you’ll be getting a nice cocktail of anesthesia in your arm. It will be the best sleep you’ve gotten since you started infertility treatments. When you wake up you’ll either get wonderful news about the bounty of perfect eggs that were retrieved and you’ll feel elated that all your effort has been rewarded, or your heart will be ripped out as you’re told that they got 1/10th of the number of eggs you expected. It will be one or the other. Oh and your male partner, if you’re using one, will need to jack off at some point during this day. Gee, he has it rough.

Step 12: Wait.

Wait to see how many eggs fertilized, wait to see how many make it to blastocysts, wait to hear PGS results, make up shit to wait on. It doesn’t matter. This step will take the longest. No, I lied. Step 14 will take the longest so read on, but this is a close second.

Step 13: Embryo transfer.

On this day you’ll get the first precious picture of your “maybe baby”. It will look like a blob of nothing, but you will cry with joy anyway as you picture this blob in a bonnet. You and your partner will stare intently at the ultrasound screen to watch as this tiny embryo is inserted through a long catheter into your uterus. Your RE will point out the spot in your uterus where the embryo is placed. You will swell with emotion and love, but you won’t actually be able to see anything where the RE is pointing (although you’ll both pretend you do). This is normal. Note that if you have gone through this step multiple times in the past, you will realize that the best part of this day is the valium.

Step 14: Engage in the dreaded two week wait (TWW).

Over-analyze every twinge, change, fluid, swell, burp, craving, and sneeze. Compare these “symptoms” to every list of early pregnancy signs that you can find on the internet. Make sure you use multiple search engines to maximize the number of lists retrieved. Each time you pee you will need to have good lighting in the bathroom so you can adequately scrutinize the toilet paper after you wipe to look for any sign of implantation bleeding. Squeeze your boobs several times a day to determine if they feel sore, until they become sore. You’ll find yourself shifting from elation and optimism that this cycle has finally worked and you are pregnant, to absolute certainty that it has failed. This will be the longest two weeks of your life. By beta day you’ll be a blubbering shadow of your former self.

Step 15: Beta day

This will either be the best day or worst day. If it’s the best day and you get a positive result, you will proceed to an entirely new list of paranoias and procedures. Congratulations! If you get a negative, you may find yourself back at Step 1. But look at the bright side: you’ve done it before so the next time will be easier! Right? RIGHT???!!! (Ha ha ha you poor fool.) Good luck.

Hope you enjoyed this, but if you didn’t it was probably the hormones.

In Other Words: Day #3 of a 3-day quote challenge

02 Wednesday May 2018

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Rounding to a close, today is the last day of my 3-day quote challenge. It’s been fun to share my some of my favorites because, let’s face it, during this infertility journey we all need a little inspiration and perspective. So before moving on to my last quote, a reminder of the rules:

    1. Thank the person who nominated you. One last thanks to CW from Almost Pregnant for tagging me. Be sure to go check out her blog if you haven’t yet. You’ll find great stuff there.
    2. Post a quote for 3 consecutive days and explain why it appeals to you.
    3. Nominate bloggers to participate in the challenge each day. My final tags are Silently Screaming and Serenity. Be sure to check out their blogs.

Today’s quote is a reminder of just how badass we all are – especially us infertility warriors.

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It’s simple but packs a big punch. During infertility treatments it’s easy to forget how tough we are when we focus so much on what is going wrong – with our bodies, our plans, our relationships, our eggs. But think about all the things we do in the pursuit of our dreams. We sacrifice. We endure pain. We get poked and prodded. We fall, and then we rise and do it all over again. We really are badass. And we shouldn’t forget it.

In total I’ve gone through 6 IVF cycles. I’ve always given myself the subcutaneous belly injections during the stimulation phase. Those were easy. Well, as “easy” as any of this ever gets. But I’ve always had my husband give me the intramuscular shots (IM). You know, the ones with the giant needles that go in the rear. Now, I’ve got plenty of booty, but still I always feared that if I stuck myself with that tree-sized needle I just might go too far and hit bone. The needle looks that big to me. I’ve had to do both progesterone in oil (PIO) and estradiol valerate intramuscularly. These shots have to be given at certain times. I have literally driven to my husband’s work site to have him give me an injection. (Umm, awkward much?) I’ve panicked when I thought he wasn’t going to be home in time to give me the shot. He’s turned down overtime to be home at the right time to administer my shot. It’s ridiculous.

This cycle I said fuck that. I decided to do the IM shots myself. I’m tired of waiting and worrying. I’m tired of being afraid.

So last night, while my husband was driving home late from work, I prepped my gigantic needle and gave myself the shot in my ass like an IVF boss. And then I smiled. Because I’m tough like that.        

If you missed Day 1 or Day 2, please check them out.

In Other Words: Day #2 of a 3-day quote challenge

01 Tuesday May 2018

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As the quotes continue to roll in the blogging world, I’m back for day #2 of the 3-day quote challenge. But first, a reminder of the rules:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you. Thanks again go out to CW from Almost Pregnant for thinking of me. If you haven’t checked out her blog you really should. It’s smart, informative, and witty.
  2. Post a quote for 3 consecutive days and explain why it appeals to you.
  3. Nominate bloggers to participate in the challenge each day. Today I’m tagging bloggers Dani of The Great Pudding Club Hunt and Allison of My Journey Creating Life. Another set of great blogs worth checking out.

Selecting a quote for today was easy. This is one is from Viktor E. Frankl who significantly shaped the face of psychology and my training. He was a neurologist, psychiatrist, and survivor of Nazi concentration camps. Through his unique lens as a psychiatrist, he observed and experienced both the darkest and brightest of the human condition during his imprisonment. His famous book Man’s Search For Meaning is harrowing and inspirational. The first half of the book is a must read for anyone who has ever had to endure and overcome. The second half of the book dives deeper into his conceptualization of psychotherapy and theory called logotherapy, which was heavily influenced by his personal insights into struggle, pain, and finding one’s meaning in life. While the theoretical half of the book is more academic, the first part of the book certainly stands on it’s own. While obviously a tragic subject, his insights are profound, easy to connect with, and apply to anyone struggling to move past pain.

Now for the quote…

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

~ Viktor E. Frankl

I’m come back to this quote many times in my life. And I’ve seen the truth in it in every person I’ve worked with. There are things that happen to us in our life that we have no control over – circumstances, the actions of others, abuses. We can live like victims, feeling helpless to our pain and circumstance. And there is a place for sitting with and honoring that pain in us. But that is not the whole picture.

If you put 20 people in the same situation, you will find that although there will likely be some similarities, ultimately you will have 20 different responses. And that is because each individual gets to choose how they think and ultimately how they will react. We all have a unique back-story that influences how we perceive things. But in the end, no matter where we’ve come from, the choice moving forward is up to us.

I choose to not let infertility beat me. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that I will get the baby that I’m after. That part I really don’t have control over. But I do get to choose how I will respond at the end. And that will shape the person I become.

If you missed the quote from Day #1, you can read the post here.

In Other Words: A 3-day quote challenge

30 Monday Apr 2018

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There are times when some else captures the sentiment so eloquently that we just have to repeat them. I love a good quote, so when I was tagged by blogger CW of Almost Pregnant to participate in a 3-day quote challenge, I decided I was up for the fun.

Here are the rules for the challenge:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you. So, thank you CW from Almost Pregnant for thinking of me. Not only is this a fun way to share some quotes that help keep me going through this crazy journey of life and infertility, but it also means that someone’s reading my blog and actually thinking of me. And that’s pretty cool.
  2. Post a quote for 3 consecutive days and explain why it appeals to you.
  3. Nominate bloggers to participate in the challenge each day. Today I’m tagging bloggers A Womb is a Place to Store Dreams and Fighting Infertility. I’ve enjoyed both of these blogs and encourage you to check them out.

corage

I have a little book called Courage that has sat on my bookshelf in my office for years. It’s a book with blank pages, and on each page there is a little quote at the bottom that touches on the book’s theme. It was given to me during my pre-doctoral psychology internship where I was doing assessment and therapy at a student counseling center at a private University in the mid-west. That year I worked with several college students, mostly women, many of whom were struggling with eating disorders, traumas, and body image issues. I loved working in that setting because it was a time in these young women’s lives when they were truly setting out to find themselves and begin carving out their individual paths in this world. It was a time of opportunity. Many were following their dreams or deciding just what their dreams truly were. Although this was an exciting time, it was also a scary time for those that were venturing off alone for the first time. And, like anyone, they brought their personal experiences and insecurities with them. I was grateful for the opportunity to be a part of their growth and journey.

By the end of the academic year, as my internship came to an end and I was moving on to the next phase of my career, I had developed close working relationships with several of the students. I remember one woman in particular – she was a pre-med student with plans to pursue her dream of becoming a medical doctor. She was organized and had tight control on her emotions, well achieved in every way. But what no one would have guessed from her strong outward presentation, was her inner struggle with her own confidence, self-esteem, and body image. That year she rose to her own personal challenges and together we uncovered her inner strength. I have no doubt that she is working somewhere right now as a highly skilled, compassionate doctor.

When we had our final therapy session and said our goodbyes, she was well composed as typical, but I could tell she was holding back just a bit. She ended up returning later that day saying that she couldn’t leave our goodbye at that, and she presented me with a little gift. It was the Courage book. She said that over the course of the year, I had helped her find her courage and so she wanted to give me some courage back in case I ever needed it. It was a heartfelt gesture and much appreciated.

Little did she, or I for that matter, know just how much I would need courage one day.

So here we go with a quote for day one from my little book of courage.

“The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt.”

~ Max Lerner

When I think about the women (and men) that go through infertility, including myself, I am amazed by our inner strength. It’s a strength that we don’t always realize that we have, and often can’t see it while we are in the depths of our struggle. But it’s when we open up that piece of ourselves and see our value, just as we are – with our scars, our broken Fallopian tubes, “old” eggs, endometriosis, with or without children, etc. – that we find our core strength. And at that point we see what we are capable of and know who we truly are. That is the unexpected gift of infertility.

Infertility changes us. But through our own strength, we will survive and grow. We will become.

#flipthescript

22 Sunday Apr 2018

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This week (April 22 – 28, 2018) is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) sponsored by RESOLVE The National Infertility Association. This year’s theme is #flipthescript, which you can read about here. I’m flipping the script in a way that people often don’t want to talk about, but it’s a perspective that should also have a voice.

They tell you to never give up. Always have hope. Keep trying.

And so we do.

We try everything. We pay tens of thousands of dollars out of pocket on treatments that have no guarantee of working. We sacrifice our time to make appointments and drive to clinics. We get poked and prodded. We change our lifestyle – what we eat and drink, how we exercise, what products we use, when we have sex. We spend countless hours researching and advocating for ourselves. We try every strategy from yoga to supplements to meditation to embryo glue. We hope. We pray.

It begins to take on a life of it’s own. Finding our fertility becomes a full time job. And then, it becomes consuming.

We begin to separate from family and friends who don’t quite understand or know what to say. We see pregnancy announcements and go to baby showers, then cry secretly in our bathrooms. Eventually we start avoiding them completely. Our world begins to get smaller as our one focus grows. We become desperate to have a baby. And we do everything.

For many there is the big pay off at the end – we get the miracle baby, healthy and sweet smelling. All of our efforts are rewarded. We say it was all worth it. And we mean it. That’s the happy ending that everyone tells you about.

But what happens when that happy ending is nowhere in sight? When your life has become something you no longer recognize? When your fluctuating emotions seem to control you? When your desire has morphed into an obsession? When your debt has risen and you’re simply exhausted? How long are you supposed to keep going?

Is it ever okay to stop treatments or should you really never give up?

In the early days of my infertility, I held onto the “never give up” mantra with an iron fist. And after 3 years of infertility and multiple treatments, my first IVF was a success. My beautiful daughter was born healthy and strong. At that moment I thought my journey was over and I had won. While I always wanted at least two children, I never wanted to go through infertility treatment again. It took so much out of me. It changed me. But as the years passed and the pain faded, my desire for one more child resurfaced.

Dealing with secondary infertility now, I’ve done five more IVF cycles and two frozen embryo transfers, and I’m realizing my ending may look quite different this time around. While my journey is not completely over yet, the outlook is not bright. For the first time, the “never give up ” mantra may be doing more harm than good.

Then I had an epiphany.  When a want becomes a need, then morphs into an obsession, sometimes it is healthier to let it go. It’s not giving up. It’s making a healthy choice. It’s not saying “no” to a dream, rather, it’s saying “yes” to the life I have.

I’ve spent so long holding onto a picture of my future, that I’ve lost focus of the present. I can change the picture of my future. I can take back my life. There will, of course, be sadness and loss for a dream that was never realized, but in time I will heal and I can find me again. I’m right here surrounded by blessings.

There will be life after IVF, and it will be good.