Tag Archives: C-Section

Pregnant After Infertility: A birth story

19 Tuesday Feb 2019

Posted by in Pregnancy After Infertility

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This is what it all lead up to. A birth. A birth that was very different from the birth of my first IVF baby, both in body and emotion. My first daughter’s birth was chaotic and scary. Given the trauma of the first, we decided the safest option was a planned repeat c-section. For a while there I didn’t think we’d make it to the scheduled date. During this pregnancy I was admitted twice to the hospital. The second time was just shy of 35 weeks and was prompted by a scary bleed at 2AM and contractions. They were able to stall the contractions and stop the bleeding, gave me two steroid shots to mature baby’s lungs in case she did come early, and released me after two days. But we made it.

We arrived at the hospital bright and early at 5:30 AM on Jan 18th to check in for my c-section that was scheduled at 7:30 AM. It was odd knowing when it would happen. For the two weeks leaving up to the date I lit a selenite infused candle for purification and cleansing. I meditated on releasing fears and any stagnant or negative energy. I talked with my unborn child and explained to her what was going to happen during the birth and after. I wanted us both to be prepared and in harmony. I felt ready when we went to the hospital.

Having a planned c-section is worlds apart from my experience with an emergency c-section. The mood was light, joyful, and tingling with excitement. That doesn’t mean that it was all easy peasy. Last time, under emergent conditions, I didn’t care what the surgeon was doing, I didn’t think about whether the anesthesiologist would miss and paralyze me (hey, I’ve hear of it happening) – I simply wanted the baby out. But this time I was acutely cognizant of everything that was going on.

birth morning

My last pregnant picture. Early in the morning before leaving for the hospital. So bitter sweet.

My husband wasn’t allowed into the operating room until after I received the spinal anesthesia and the procedure had started. I was accompanied by a kind nurse who held me while the long needle was inserted into my back. Then I laid there, naked from the waist down on a narrow cold metal table and stared up at the bright lights overhead. I felt vulnerable – seriously, why was I naked with all these medical people in the room? Couldn’t they have put a sheet over my lady bits while they discussed and prepared? I suppose I had to stay sterile or something. The lights were so bright and the room was freezing. I was acutely aware that I was about to be cut open and that sometimes things go wrong. I distinctly felt like I had been abducted by aliens. Or at least, what I would assume an alien abduction might feel like.

Then the tugging started as my body was pulled this way and that. I couldn’t see what was going on but I knew that this was the result of being cut open. I felt no pain, and was rather surprised that my body didn’t bounce right off of the narrow table. I suppose I was strapped down, though I didn’t see that either. My arms were free on my side of the curtain. Then I began smelling the distinct smell of burning flesh and realized they were cauterizing me as they cut. I was scared. This was the main event. Would my baby be okay? Would I be okay? I silently recited a meditative prayer/visualization that I learned so many years ago. Over and over. Asking the Universe for protection. Willing it so.

Finally my husband came in. He reassured me that everything was fine. My anxiety eased up a bit. And then I heard her. My daughter’s first cry. I knew she was okay. She was born at 8AM. It was only a few short minutes before they handed her to me. The medical team was responsive and respectful of my request to do skin to skin and breastfeed as soon as possible in the operating room. Once I had my new, perfect baby on my chest and she began nursing immediately, the rest of the procedure faded to the background. From that moment, I kept my daughter with me – from OR, to observation, to recovery – she was in my arms. It was surreal. 15539

Another highlight came when my parents brought my 4-year-old daughter to the hospital later that day to meet her baby sister. I had been waiting for that. It was something that I thought might never happen – that my daughter would get to become a big sister. Deep in the trenches of infertility, there were many times when I thought I would never have a child, let alone two. Both of my girls are IVF miracles. When the baby was handed to my older daughter, I simply watched and was so very grateful.

first meet

The first meeting. Sisters forever.

All in all, this birth experience was exactly what I had hoped for (minus the alien abduction part). It was calm and I felt more in control. It was not traumatic. I think these differences made it easier to bond with my baby. Another big factor that eased post-partum adjustment was my emotional and cognitive state in relation to infertility. The first time around, I was traumatized not only by the birth but also by infertility. Infertility was a silent trauma that I had not resolved despite IVF success. I believe that trauma carried over into my experience of new motherhood. It affected my postpartum emotions, my confidence in mothering, and my ability to fully bond with my baby. It took quite some time to recognize and address those carry over effects. After all, few want to talk about the pain of infertility once you have “success”. It makes you feel like you are being ungrateful, especially when you know how many are still struggling. But that carry over trauma is real and does need to be addressed when it hangs around.

This time I had done so much more work on the emotional side of infertility, that I was actually in a pretty good headspace when I became pregnant. While infertility will always be a part of my experience, and has certainly shaped who I am to some extent, it no longer consumes me. Now I can move forward, refreshed and renewed. Honestly, I sometimes have a hard time remembering who I was before infertility – its changed me so much. I’m not trying to go back to who I was before, we can never really move back in time, nor would I want to. I am stronger now than I was before. But I would like to reconnect with the lightness and playfulness I once felt. I suppose now I’m moving forward, as a mother once more, but wiser, more confident, and with opportunity for discovery.

Pregnant After Infertility: C-section without shame

14 Friday Dec 2018

Posted by in Pregnancy After Infertility, Uncategorized

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When I was pregnant with my first IVF baby, I wanted a non-medicated “natural birth”. The kind you see in beautiful pictures, with a strong woman in an almost trance-like state as she delivers her baby into her own hands. In this picture, she is surrounded by a team of supportive women, a village, who are there to help, yet not interfere. After all, this is natural and she is built for this. Her significant other is there, lovingly rubbing her back, in awe of the miracle unfolding. Yes, there would be pain, but nothing that she can’t handle. She is built for this.

I did everything within my power to set myself up for the “natural” birth I pictured. I read all the books, watched all the documentaries, hired a doula and midwife, spent hours training myself in self-hypnosis for birth. While I did decide to deliver in the hospital, I was surrounded by a team of nurses, midwives, and doula, who were there to be my village, as well as my husband. I was not induced. There was not a “cascade of interventions” causing any stalls or other mishaps. Everything was set up for the birth that I wanted. There was even mood lighting and aromatherapy.

And yet, I still ended up with a c-section. As it turned out, my body just wasn’t built for this.

imagesI’ve written previously about my birth experience here and some of my reactions to it. Ultimately, I’m okay with the fact that the birth didn’t go as planned. I learned some hard lessons that day, including how to advocate for myself when I though I might have lost my voice. I did end up finding strength that day, it just wasn’t where I had expected it to be.

I am truly grateful to have access to medical treatments to help me get pregnant, and medical interventions for helping me birth by child safely. I can never think of this without remembering that my Grandmother’s sister died in childbirth; this was around 75 years ago, give or take. There’s a good chance her outcome would have been different had she lived in a different time like me.

So when I became pregnant with my second IVF baby, I was faced with some choices regarding this birth. The OB that did my c-section was retired, but he had said that my bone structure was about 1.5 inches too small in diameter to ever give birth to a full-term baby. I went back to the midwife that was there during my delivery and spent over an hour discussing this with her. We spent a lot of time talking about the pros and cons of trying for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Ultimately, there seems to be some higher risks with trying a VBAC and failing, thus ending up needing a c-section anyway, versus forgoing the attempt and simply planning a c-section. One of the scariest risks during a VBAC is a uterine rupture. However, when we discussed those risks, the actual prevalence rates of something like a uterine rupture happening were just so small, and the success rates of VBACs were rather high. Still we had to consider my unique circumstances that led to my c-section in the first place. It wasn’t due to anything that happened in the hospital, such as medications used, induction, rushed schedules, nor was it anything to do with the baby, such as position or size. It was simply me. My body.

At one point, she said to me, “I know I’m not supposed to say this being a midwife, but sometimes too much importance is put on having a vaginal birth. It’s your experience that matters most. It’s okay to choose a c-section.” She also admitted that she learned a lot from witnessing my birth. You hear so many stories about unnecessary medical interventions being pushed on laboring women, but my story was just the opposite. My team was so focused on a medication-free, vaginal birth, that they didn’t truly hear me when I knew something was wrong.

This time, I’m planning a c-section. My new OB agreed that that was the safest course given my particular history. And so, I shamelessly scheduled a c-section.

I won’t lie, sometimes I have to remind myself that this is a valid choice and should not come with any shame or guilt. Yet, I still find myself “explaining” or excusing my choice to have a planned c-section when I’m asked about my due date or planned birth. I annoy myself when I do that. After all, birth is an incredibly individual experience and no one has the right to tell another woman how to go about it. This is not a time for shaming. But I’m not immune to the stigma. In my culture, c-sections are often seen as somehow a “failure,” or at least “less than” a vaginal birth. Just the fact that we say “natural birth” to refer to vaginal deliveries is telling, isn’t it? It’s the connotation that comes with the word natural and assumes that anything else is unnatural and thus, not right. Yes, I know that a c-section is a surgery and so it’s not actually the “natural” way for a baby to exit the body, and yes, I do believe that often c-sections are unnecessary. But they can also be life saving. And they are still a method of birthing a baby. Women who have c-sections are not less than. I keep expecting to encounter someone who is going to try to “talk me out of it” and I’m well prepared to argue my point.

Yet, to my surprise, I have received nothing but the opposite reaction. Every person who knows I’m having a scheduled c-section has responded with some variant of, “well after everything you’ve been through, you deserve a less stressful birth.” They are talking about my infertility.  They know the year leading up to this pregnancy was markedly stressful due to multiple rounds of IVF. And so they are basically suggesting that I’ve “earned” an experience that is somehow predictable and safe. This reaction always sits oddly with me. On the one hand, I’ll admit that going into this birth “knowing” when and what is going to happen, having a plan that is scheduled and predictable, is somehow comforting and really is less stressful. Probably less stressful because I will be able to avoid the birth trauma that I experienced last time. (Granted, I know even a scheduled c-section can go rogue, especially if this little babe has a different agenda, but shhhhh, let’s not talk about that.) However, on the other hand, this reaction irks me. As if you have to “earn” a stress-free birth experience. As if a major abdominal surgery is even stress-free.

But what I do know for sure, is that a c-section delivery is a birth just as much as a vaginal delivery is a birth. I am not less than because I have had (and am having) a c-section. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around my emotions with this upcoming birth. It does seem like it may be a bit surreal to go into the hospital before labor begins, and then undergo this procedure and be handed my baby. I suppose I keep comparing it to my last birth where I didn’t have the c-section until after 32 hours of hard labor. So there will be more posts to come about my emotions leading up to this birth, as well as the choices I’m making to support a “family friendly c-section” (yes, that’s a thing) and my emotional well-being pre- and post-partum. Stay tuned…