I told myself I wasn’t going to be anxious today. Today is the day that I find out if our one egg that fertilized made it to blastocyst. I said I wouldn’t be nervous because I was already counting it out. I’ve already ordered all my meds for the next cycle and the last of them will be here by tomorrow. I’m set to start my next cycle, pending a clear ultrasound, right after my period starts. It’s easy to not be nervous when your expectations are so low.


But here I am – sitting in my office, knowing that my phone could ring at any moment. And I’m nervous; my palms are sweating. Damn it. That means that deep inside, despite what I told myself, I’m hoping for good news. And I’m scared because I know the chance of getting good news is low. This process really takes a large toll on you. I know the feeling of being told that none of your embryos made it to blast, and I don’t want to feel that way again. I keep telling myself that I will be okay with bad news. I will get through it again. And I will. I just want my luck with this to change. I want some good news. I want it to work. And so I sit and wait…


Then the call came. The embryo didn’t make it. I’m not surprised and at least the wait is over. I can’t dwell on this. I can’t change it. Now I’m just going to have to focus on the next cycle. It’s all so disappointing. But where else can I move but forward?