I recently got back from a week long vacation. That never happens for us. Typically our only “vacations” consist of driving back to my hometown to visit my family. But we had an opportunity to join a couple family members at a cabin on Crescent Lake, Oregon. And for me, it was just what I needed after our failed FET. Time to get away from the stress of this process, spend quality time with my husband and daughter, and just simply relax in nature. Being in nature nourishes my soul. But there was one part of the trip that stood out among the rest in a very personal way – and surprisingly, it was when I was all alone.
I had the opportunity to ride a seadoo by myself for a good while. And when I say “by myself” I literally mean that I was the only person on the lake. It was magical and freeing. I love riding seadoos, but I haven’t done so in about 8 years. It was something I missed so it felt good to do it again. The wind whipping through my hair, the crip water hitting my body, the fun. It was beautiful out on this crystal blue lake surrounded by pine trees. I found myself laughing out loud as I sped and jumped waves. The elements of earth, air, and water swirled around me as I felt the spark of fire within. And it was in that moment that I realized that I can be perfectly happy just as I am.
At one point during the ride I found myself yelling out my wishes to the universe. Calling out my prayers at the top of my lungs, yet still, only the Divine and I could hear them. Then I noticed how calm and sure I felt that we would have success with IVF and be blessed with a second child. And that’s why I’m really writing this. I want to remember how calm I felt, how confident. Because I know that once the meds start, once the series of ultrasounds start, once the Facebook chatter ensues, once the agonizing waiting begins, it will be so easy to forget this feeling. It will be so easy for the feeling to get buried under mounds of anxiety, worry, second guessing, sadness, doubt, anticipation, and fear. Is it possible to hold on to this feeling while going through the ups and down of IVF? Probably not – I’m human after all and this journey is hard. But maybe I can call it back.
I hope I can read this post during those tough times when I’m deep in worry and fear, and remember that when all the hormones and stress were stripped away, I felt completely confident that it will work out. I tend to question what messages are truly intuition versus what is the insidious voice of fear. I questioned that quite frequently during my last IVF. I think the fear creeps in though, during the process. During the stress. But this feeling I had that day on the lake – that was coming from just me and the Divine. I want to remember that.
I want to remember the feeling of knowing that it will work out, while simultaneously knowing that I am okay no matter what happens. That even in loss, even if we don’t have a another child, I can be happy. It may seem contradictory to say that after just expressing my confidence, but I believe both views are important and valuable. So these are my thoughts going into my 3rd IVF. I hope that this will guide me through the difficult times.