At my IVF consultation I was instructed to call them on the first day of my next period. I wasn’t given any more details about why I needed to call, but I vaguely remember that some of the tests and such need to be done on certain days of the cycle. So today I called. I was told that they will be sending in a prescription for birth control pills and I’m to start taking them tomorrow. This is so they can control my cycle and time it for the start of the IVF protocol.  As I hung up the phone it hit me. That was it. My last chance for a natural pregnancy, gone. Deep breath… I knew this was part of it. I knew this would happen. But here it is right in my face.

Slightly shaken, I needed a moment for myself. Last week I created a fertility altar for my IVF journey. A place I can go to and find solstice. I sat in this space, took a few calming breaths, and picked up my palm sized labyrinth. I love this little labyrinth. It gives me a focal point for clearing my mind of the clutter that so often invades, and allows me to center myself and find insights. Moving the stylus through the pattern connects me to Gaia’s rhythm.

The words “love” and “console” came quickly into my mind as I moved through the labyrinth, and I realized that the moment I needed to take was one of grieving, accepting, and nurturing. Giving myself space to acknowledge the loss and disappointment I felt in the realization that I will not have a “natural” conception. I so wished I would. I even believed I would. But it is not meant to be. It is not the path that I walk in this lifetime. And that is okay. But first, I needed a moment to honor this hurt in myself and then let it go. I surrounded myself in a circle of rose quartz, a loving stone that I’ve felt quite drawn to in these past few months, and visualized a pink orb of light surrounding me with gentleness, love, and compassion. I sat with that for a short while until I felt done.

To round out this spontaneous mini ritual, I drew three cards from my favorite oracle decks. I love consulting my cards as a way to tap into my inner wisdom, my guides, and the Divine. This is one way I stay connected to my spiritual practice, but I still feel like a novice when it comes to interpreting the messages. And then I asked the question I had been avoiding. “Will this IVF result in the birth of a healthy child?” It’s a bold and direct question. I usually just ask more vague, open ended questions such as, “What message is there for me at this time?” But before I realized it, out slipped the question, so I went with it.

From my Womanrunes deck I received The Flying Woman. She is the rune of transformation, death, and rebirth. The Flying Woman tells me that something is transforming, and it will be beautiful though not necessarily easy. Next I drew from the Spirit de la Lune deck and received the Super Moon – the Wild Card. The energy of the super moon is unpredictable, primal. Anything can happen. There is beauty, freedom, and possibility in this energy. Lastly, I selected from the Earthly Souls and Spirits Oracle and pulled “Magical,” which tells me that magic surrounds this experience. Now I’m not sure if this all means my IVF will be successful. Sure I can see the parallels between the magical transformation of egg and sperm into an embryo filled with life, beauty, and possibility. Could this represent my baby coming into being? It may. What could be more primal than that? Certainly it’s what I wish for.

But what I definitely know is that whatever happens during this process, I will not be the same at the end. I too will have transformed. The ups and downs, the fears, the celebrated moments, the pain, the joy. No one goes through this process and comes out the same afterward. Whether IVF succeeds or fails to bring us the child we wish for, we will not be the same in the end. The anticipation of that unknown is scary. It’s easy to slip into worry, but worry will not change the outcome. (And yes, I’ll no doubt have to remind myself of that at several points along the way.) Instead of worry, in this moment, I’m looking to these cards and they are reassuring me that no matter what happens during this wild journey, I will be beautifully transformed.