sacral chakra2

Artwork by Lori A Andrus

Here I go…writing my first post. I guess I should start with some background. First, a little about me. I’m a psychologist. A wife. An earth child. A moon lover. I’m independent, smart, opinionated. A feminist. I’m a pagan and I lean toward a goddess path. I am a goddess. I have endometriosis and scarred Fallopian tubes that apparently don’t work well. I’m infertile, but then I became fertile. Well at least I did after countless infertility treatments, 2 surgeries, and a successful IVF. Does that count? I guess I’m somewhere in between. So now I’m a mother, something I pretty much never though I’d be. Oh and I’m turning 40 any minute now.

My little love is a rambunctious toddler, and I’m starting down that infertility road again. I want my daughter to have a sibling. My husband and I want another child. Don’t get me wrong, I feel really blessed to have a child after the dreaded infertility diagnosis. I know IVF doesn’t work for so many couples. I don’t want to be stingy. But I can’t shake it – that desire to grow my family. That’s normal, right?

I really, really thought I would be one of those lucky people who conceive naturally after IVF. You know, one of those magical unicorns we all hear about. Well, that didn’t work out and so here we go again…

That brings me to this blog. The first time around was rough. I was lonely, scared, angry, overwhelmed, sad, hopeful, hopeless. If you’ve struggled with infertility then you know just how many more adjectives I could add on there. I felt disconnected from myself, my family and friends (except for a few that held on through the discomfort), my body, and my spirituality. To say that it was hard emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially is really an understatement. I never thought I’d do IVF again because I didn’t want to go through that again.

But time does heal. It doesn’t make us forget. So as I ready myself to embark on this journey again, I want to do some things differently. Mainly I don’t want to lose myself again. I want to put what I learned the first time around to good use. No amount of worrying, sleepless nights, anticipating the worst, and panic will change the outcome. I got lucky. IVF worked for me the first time. I know what the statistics say about that. I know I may not be so lucky this time around. But freaking out won’t change the outcome, it will only impact the process. The journey. So I’m hoping that writing this blog will help me keep my sanity, keep me firmly grounded on the earth and connected to Goddess,  and maybe it will resonate with someone else too. Wish me luck…