I saved my IVF needles. All of them. That’s a total of 6 egg retrievals, 2 fresh transfers, 2 frozen transfers, and 2 mock cycles. Some people, including probably everyone who has never gone through IVF, would think I’m a bit nuts for holding on to all these needles. But it’s oddly hard to part with something that you’ve put so much of yourself into. Something that symbolizes an experience, or maybe a part of you.
I even have my needles from my very first IVF cycle over 4 years ago – the one that brought me my feisty daughter. At that time I think it was just feeling a bit overwhelmed that kept me from taking the time to bring them back to my RE’s office for disposal. I didn’t have any grand plans for them. But this second time around, I did. I kept the needles from each cycle in a separate sharps container. I envisioned making one of those IVF baby announcements one day when it finally worked. You know, the cute pictures where all the needles are arranged in the shape of a heart with care, surrounding baby’s first ultrasound picture. Maybe a onsie or booties, too. I was so hopeful back then, and it made me smile every time I saw one of those pictures.
But as my failed cycles piled up, so did my needles. The idea that once symbolized optimism and success, morphed into something quite different. Now I have a giant pile of needles. I’m actually missing about 80 percent of my Gonal F pens because my nurse would discard them when I’d bring them in for her to combine the tails to get me an extra dose or 2 of meds. My pile began to feel chaotic as one cycle blurred into the next. The FET that finally worked consisted of 2 embryos from 2 different egg retrievals; I lost track of which sharps containers led to which of these embryos.
I’m left with a big pile of needles and no desire to shape them into something pretty.
Why did I keep these needles? Because when I look at this pile on my table I see my pain and strength. I see determination and perseverance. Countless hours spent crying in the arms of my loved ones, and even more spent crying alone in the bathroom when no one knew. Friendships fading away, while unexpected ones blossomed when I needed them most. Miracles. I see isolation and connection. The highs and lows that no one really understands unless you’ve walked in my shoes. Failure and success. Baddassery (especially when I self administered my first PIO shot). Luck – sometimes good, sometimes bad. I see hours of research and hard decisions made. Coping skills executed and eventually exhausted. Asking for help, and helping myself. Enduring more than I thought I could, and then a little bit more. Making a healthy decision of when to stop and finding peace with that. The emotional, spiritual, and physical tolls. Pride in myself. Somewhere along the way, infertility became a part of who I am. It is not all of who I am, but it has challenged and changed me in ways I never anticipated. And I’m different now. Oddly, I wouldn’t change that.
If all goes well, I will be a mom to 2 daughters. Yet in my mind, I will always be infertile. Despite the failures, I got the outcome that we all hope for. I am so very blessed. And, well, really I think I’m just lucky.
Clare said:
Wow, you’ve really been through quite the journey. I’m so glad that its paid off for you. I’ve been following your blog and you’re truly inspirational!
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thenotsofertilegoddess said:
Thanks for your kind words. I’m glad that you’ve been enjoying my blog. 🙂
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Sharnie said:
I think it’s a great picture to be able to take, especially for those who have no idea how hard and how physically painful IVF can be like myself. You look beautiful with your daughter, I wish you all the luck in the world through this pregnancy and I’ll definitely keep looking for updates! Xx
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thenotsofertilegoddess said:
Thank you so much. That makes me happy to hear.
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wannabemamab said:
I saved most, but not all of my needles, too, for similar reasons. “Infertility became a part of who I am” absolutely resonates with me. Infertility absolutely colors how I look at my pregnancy, and will no doubt impact my parenting when my child arrives. Thanks for writing about navigating these complex feelings. Sending you love and light as you prepare for #2! Looks like we’re due in close proximity! 🙂
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thenotsofertilegoddess said:
Thanks for your comment. I agree that it does color parenting too. That really took me by surprise after I had my daughter. It was something no one was talking about, yet is such a relevant part of the experience.
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Jillian S. said:
Such a well written and hopeful post. Thanks for sharing!!
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infertilityandlife said:
I saved mine too. Although not from all the cycles, which I now regret, because as you say – those needles represent so much about our journey, about me and my strength and about our little girl finally due in January. I’ve got all the needles from the cycle that made her, the last cycle. No idea what to do with them yet, assuming it’ll come to me in time 😂 Wishing you a smooth rest of your pregnancy 💕
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Jackie said:
You are definitely not crazy. Those needles are like a trophy. I have saved mine too. God Bless you.
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iLoveWine said:
I didnt even think about doing that. I actually just had my first egg retrieval yesterday and dr was able to get 17 eggs! Ive never thought i could actually inject myself, but here i am doing it sometimes 6x a day.
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thenotsofertilegoddess said:
One thing is for sure, as hard as IVF is, it brings out strength in us that we never knew we had. Best of luck with your cycle.
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iLoveWine said:
Yes it definitely brings out our strength. Thankyou ❤
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